[desdemona]

Thank you to you lovely ladies (((Liz))), (((Sherry))) and (((Laura))) for your kind supportive posts! I’ve been  busy since I came back to the country with organizational stuff related to the accommodation business and got a new renter for the bedroom that became available the two weeks I was in the city. In less than 10 hours I had someone moved into that room. All the bills are paid and all of the August rent has been collected. Danny paid for my car insurance for the next year which was good. I bought tires a few months ago and three of them are defective so I am taking my car back when the rep from Edmonton comes here mid-week, so he can look at them.  I had my 4 year old granddaughter with me the past two days. We went to the Smurfs movie last night. Today is my granddaughter’s 20th birthday so I will be going over there for supper and cake. I am driving Ruffuss to the city on the 23th so that he can go with his new family. One of my renters wants me to leave the cat and I said I would, as the cat sleeps with him. I know that he would like to take the cat back with him to New Brunswick. I have thought about saying I would leave the cat, but I need the cat with me at my new place. I’m sure he will be disappointed when Ferris leaves, but I need to think about me first. Overall I am feeling good about the changes in my life. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Liz)))! That is obscene that it was 109 degrees yesterday where you live. It was hot here as well but not that hot! It at least cooled off enough here to sleep, with all the windows open and the fan blowing. I didn’t dream about gambling, but woke up with a feeling that I had gambled yesterday, and I have to reassure myself that I didn’t. I’ve never had that happen before unless I had really gambled in real life. I certainly wouldn’t want to go to my group next Tuesday and have to say I didn’t have a good week. I’m going to drive in to the city for the group as I think it’s really important that I go on a weekly basis. I notice that when I slip and have a gamble, that my clear-headed thinking evaporates for a few days, which I don’t like. I ran to the bank yesterday evening and deposited all the cheques and cash that have been in the house since August 1st, as Danny hadn’t deposited them. I took the grandgirls as no gambling insurance. I notice that Danny is creating his own bachelor pad. He bought himself a Keurig coffee maker, has peanuts in a dispenser beside his lazy boy chair, has beer and premixed cocktails in the fridge, has organized the pantry, has went to the butcher and got himself things he likes to eat like different kabobs, etc. It’s good to see he is moving on, but I detect a certain level of anger. He mentioned that someone had told him I was on Facebook again. He made a comment about now having to explain to other people why his wife was living in the city. I asked him what time he was leaving yesterday, and his response was that he was leaving when he was leaving. I have to sort out the vehicle insurance as unless I do, Neither one of us has insurance as of August 18th. Carole    

[desdemona]

Thanks Cat for your kind post. My friend called me today and said she didn’t need me to take her for the medical tests tomorrow as she said she didn’t react to the radio-active stuff they injected her with today. I hadn’t planned on driving to the country till tomorrow, but decided to clean my house, pack a few things and drive today. Ruffuss was overjoyed to see me. Danny was his usual self, but I think he is angry that I left. I sorted through the mail, paid the bills online, and went to town to deposit the August 1st rent cheques and deposited ALL the cash, as it was calling my name……..I took my 2 little granddaughters with me to ensure that not a dollar would be spent on gambling. The 4 year old is having a sleepover with me tomorrow. Made it through another day of not gambling! Carole

[desdemona]

Thanks (((Cat))) for your kind supportive post. You don’t strike me as someone who wouldn’t hear the alarm clock. I didn’t need to get up this morning with the alarm clock as my course is rescheduled for August 31st and September 1st. This might surprise some of you but I am going to attend GA meetings on Thursday evenings. These meetings are discussion step meetings of steps 1, 2, and 3. The format is different from regular GA meetings. I know that I need structure and support really bad in my life right now, due to all the changes I have made. So now I have my Monday evenings with my granddaughter and yoga, Tuesday evenings with my recovery support group, and Thursday evenings with GA. I plan to join Weight Watchers in September. Today Danny brings me Ruffuss overnight, and tomorrow after my friend’s medical tests, I am travelling back to the country to look after the renters’ house. I committed to doing that if the need was there, till the end of August. Danny is paying my bills till I find a job so I am cooperating by helping him with the house when he is away working this month. Ruffuss goes to his new family on August 23th, which I’m trying not to think about. My cat Ferris comes to live with me at the end of this month, and Ferris will think he won the lottery being here with me. (((Cat)))- you said I have come a long way but I don’t feel that. It’s hard to remember how emotionally ill I was prior to recovery and the anxiety I suffered at the beginning of recovery. And everything in between! It’s still hard for me to believe that I left my 19 year relationship with Danny. I would/could not have done that if I was as emotionally ill as I was. I don’t cope as well anymore being older. The last part of my jigsaw puzzle will be finding a job and getting up for it 5 days a week. I used to wonder where I’d be living; now I’m wondering where I’ll be working. All in good time!! Carole      

[desdemona]

I did attend the evening recovery group tonight and it suits me well. Support and structure is what I’m trying to put into place into my life. I was walking into a restaurant before the meeting with my friend Valerie, and there were two people about ten years younger than myself, who were kissing like they really liked each other. I asked them a question and it was "Are you married?" They looked at me for a second and answered no. Then I said "I didn’t think so." And we all laughed! I think I have a jaded view of marriage right now. Hopefully that will change over time. Carole

[desdemona]

You should try the yoga (((Liz))) as I’m thinking that it will be fun as well as a stretching work-out. I sent you a fb message with my new cell phone number and new email address. I deleted my old email account. I’m a bit ticked off that I slept through the alarm this morning. I couldn’t hear it because of the fan on in my bedroom and the noise my CPAP machine makes. Danny brings me Ruffuss tomorrow for an overnight as he is going back to work. I am excited to see my boy. Now Telus is telling me that it is taking 4 to 6 weeks for the "free’ TV, as the promotion is so successful. I am going to the recovery support group tonight, so my whole day won’t be unproductive. it cost me $25 to reschedule the First Aid/CPR course. Next time I am going to not have the fan on, and a couple of alarm clocks, plus ask a few people to call me. Thankfully it’s cooler outside today as the heat was wearing on me. I’ll be glad when I can complain about how cold it is outside. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Cat)))! I have a friend I used to work with that says that since she retired, she is busier than when she was working. I believe the key to successful retirement is having hobbies and interests to pursue prior to retirement. That way the transition is more seamless. I was driving down the street, 2 avenues from where I live, and I saw that a person could learn to scuba dive, take yoga, or learn to pole dance. LOL! I can’t swim so the scuba diving scares me, and pole dancing isn’t me, so my granddaughter and I will try something new and sign up for beginner’s yoga. That should prove interesting as I have a hard time getting up from a squatting position once I’m down there. I will do what I can and not worry about my "form" and just have fun with it. Carole

[desdemona]

(((Deb))) Sounds like Barry isn’t sitting so pretty anymore……………Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Larry)))! When I first started recovery on GT on December 27, 2010, GT was my lifeline to recovery, and I proudly told the addiction counsellor today that I found recovery online. The first person I met was Ken L. and he supported me through private emails and he referred me to Safe Harbour and then to GT. I spent more time on GT than I had gambling. As many of you know, I was an almost daily gambler. I received tremendous support on GT and I believe I gave back a lot of support to others on this site. As I got healthier emotionally, I started this process of eliminating toxic people in my life, starting with the most obvious. I was in the contemplation phase for quite a long time when it came to my relationship of 19 years with Danny. I came to a point where I felt I had no options left but to leave as I could no longer allow myself to be treated with contempt and disrespect. Recovery brought me to this place of putting myself first. I’ve heard it said that recovery is a selfish process, but I couldn’t disagree more. For the first time many rcgs are putting their needs first, instead of self-medicating with destructive behaviors. I see my new life as a jigsaw puzzle and I’m slowly getting the pieces I need put together so that I can have a balanced life with enough structure and support, that I don’t get freaked out about having made a 180 and turned my life completely upside down, at age 58. Oh! I just looked at the puzzle pieces and they don’t include a romantic relationship. Even the thought of it, makes me nauseated! All kidding aside, I know that I am not healthy emotionally enough to be in that kind of relationship. The point of this post was to say that as rcgs get healthier, their lives become fuller with activities that don’t center on gambling, as well as living fulltime on a recovery site. I will always be grateful to the staff on GT and the friends who supported me and continue to support me on this site. I support others as I can, but my emotional energy goes to my own recovery first, and the changes I need to make in my life. I  look forward to having a margarita with you sometime, like we did in Chicago. Carole  

[desdemona]

I emailed your address to Liz so she will mail you the items. Nice chatting with you on the phone tonight. Thanks for calling. Carole

[desdemona]

It’ so good to hear that you and your daughter are friends again (((Liz))). Your daughter seems to be managing well as she has secured herself a nice apartment. It will probably be better for everyone concerned now that she is on her own with your grandson. I bought an antique looking table for my bedroom for beside my bed today. it requires assembly and so far I’ve taken it out of the box. Why can’t things like that come preassembled for people like me? I’m signed up for the Tuesday evening recovery support group. I’ve also got an addiction counsellor again. My oldest granddaughter and I are signing up for beginner’s yoga starting in September. Carole

[desdemona]

Went in and did the intake at the Addictions foundation and got assigned a new counsellor, that I like even more than my previous one. She assessed me as being in the maintenance phase in gambling recovery, and in the huge changes I have undertaken to start a new and very different life at age 58. I was having gambling urges while I was in her office, but I decided that it would be the height of lunacy to gamble right after a counselling appointment. Instead I drove to a huge shopping centre and bought myself an antique looking accent table for my bedroom. I hesitated paying the over $200, but then I thought to myself, that I had gambled more than on many, many occasions, so I bought it. The lady said that it took them 1/2 an hour to assemble it, which of course means it will take me 2 days. Tomorrow night is the Recovery Support Group and I’m hoping to go, if the First Aid/CPR course doesn’t suck the life out of me. Carole 

[desdemona]

I called the Addictions Foundation this morning to inquire whether the recovery group on Tuesdays is still active, and it is. She said that because I haven’t seen a counsellor in 6 months, that my file is about to close, so I need to come in today and do a new intake. My old counsellor doesn’t work out of that building anymore so I need to get another counsellor assigned to me. I like the recovery group as you are asked how your week was, and there is no pressure, only support. I am feeling so much better emotionally today as I have concrete things to do today and for the next three days after that.  My Aunt told me to go for a walk when I’m not feeling well emotionally. Sometimes the most obvious things to do aren’t so obvious to me. Because I had nothing concrete to do with my time in the city, I was feeling that my life was no different than it was in the country. Carole 

[desdemona]

Thanks (((Cat))) for your supportive post. The last couple of days have not been, a day at a time, but moment by moment as I have been feeling depressed and lonely, yet had an opportunity to go out with my friend, but refused, both yesterday and today. It was incredibly hot today and that got on my nerves. I did accomplish the couple things I had goaled to do, plus my laundry. I had one thought to gamble today, as I thought it would be comfortable temperature wise, but quickly banished that thought. I need to stay with my emotional pain and not medicate it with gambling. Carole 

[desdemona]

Thanks (((Bettie))) for the supportive post. I don’t understand why you didn’t get my email, so I will phone you to confirm your address. I believe I have your right address, but I don’t have your condo number. Or can you phone me seeing as you have free long distance? I only have my cell phone and I pay for every call, except the 10 people I have designated as free phone calls. Do you have my cell phone number that starts with 5 after the area code. I am going to call and see if the Recovery Group is still active on Tuesday evenings at the Addictions Foundation. I don’t know that I will feel like going this Tuesday after the First Aid/CPR course. Then I am back looking after the renters’ house for 2 weeks while Danny is away working. I believe that to be a true statement what you said, that we cling to the familiar, and the few ***** we have been supported in our relationships. As they say, better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t. It would not be the right decision for me to return home, as nothing has changed nor will it. Come September, I am thinking of joining Weight Watchers. I was looking at old pictures of me, and most of them I would consider myself slender or normal weight. It’s just been since I’ve been with Danny that I have been packing on the weight. Getting older and having gone through menopause accounts for some of the weight, but not the majority of it. Big change is going to be uncomfortable emotionally. I just have a problem staying with the emotional pain, and working it through. One thing I hate about the city is that they have photo radar. My first cheque from my new account went to pay for a photo radar ticket. To me that’s the equivalent of hunting with a high powered scope. It’s not fair to the animal. And everywhere I want to go, I have to drive in lots of traffic. I hate that! I can hear people having conversations and laughing from homes in the alleyway. The other people that live in my building are my granddaughter’s age, so that sucks! I got my dishes done. Now it’s to go upstairs and sort through the papers for the filing cabinet. Carole 

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