[desdemona]

Thank you (((Liz))) and (((P))) for your kind posts. Having my coffee and cigarettes (I won’t lie). Yesterday was a gamble free day as well. I spent three hours yesterday with Charles in the chat room. I try and be grateful for what I have in life but after chatting with Charles, I felt an even greater sense of gratefulness, peace, and joy. It’s the everyday things like feeding the birds, seeing wildlife, flower gardening, and my cats that bring me joy. The activities that don’t involve gambling. I talked to Danny last night and told him that I was refusing his offer of understanding if I gamble once a month with three hundred dollars. Some time back we came to an agreement that if he wasn’t nasty to me, I wouldn’t gamble. Works for me!! Today will be gamble free as I’m not going to town. I plan on vacuuming my place of all cat hair. Plus I told my renter/casual friend that I would make us chili tonight. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Charles))) for the “well done.” I managed to stay gamble free today, and every dollar made it to the bank. Prior to leaving for town, I asked myself what else I could do to ensure I wouldn’t gamble today. The thought came to me that I could not wash my hair, so I did that. I did not allow myself any time for gambling, only enough time to run my errands. Cash money enough to gamble with is a huge trigger for me. I am counting on my husband making me more accountable when it comes to our bank account. Anyways, I’m safe and sound in my warm cozy home so that’s enough for me. Carole

[desdemona]

I struggled with gambling urges yesterday, but was able not to gamble as I did something that I rarely do. I prayed to God to save me from myself. A renter brought me $900 cash in one hundred dollar bills. Had he brought me the money in twenty dollar bills, it would have been more difficult for me to say no to myself. The VLTs here do not accept hundred dollar bills. I am going to look after my granddaughters for an hour and a half today so I will take them through the McDonald’s drive thru and the bank drive through so that I can deposit the cash and a cheque I have. With Christmas coming soon and our family vacation on January 1st to Mexico, we are going to need all the money we get. Most days I go along and it doesn’t seem that not gambling is a huge problem, but there are days, I struggle with gambling urges and thoughts. I am also one of these people that struggle with staying emotionally stable. If the sun is shining it’s easier for me to stay positive. I’m going to do my best to stay gamble free today. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Bettie))) and (((Kpat))) for your kind words. I just love my cats so very much. I know I shouldn’t have a favorite but my Pablo, the one eyed cat melts my heart. He went from a farmer’s barn cat where he lost his eye, to a vet clinic cat, and then to a house cat. He talks to me a lot during the day and tries to sleep as close to me as he can. He thrives on affection and is almost like a dog as he comes to me when I call him. I’ve put not showing up at Remembrance Day behind me as Danny didn’t make a big deal of it like I was sure he would. The only comment he made was something to the effect that people fighting in a war didn’t have the luxury of saying I’m not fighting today because I’m tired. I’m glad I didn’t go because of the strife in Danny’s family. His one brother will not even say hello to him, because of the Christmas decoration fiasco that happened after Danny’s Mom died. The decorations were offered to his brother and he didn’t pick them up, so Danny’s Dad told him to take them to the dump. I informed his brothers that the decorations were at my house and to stop by if they wanted any of them. Danny’s brother and his wife phoned me and they were furious as he said they belonged to them. I told them that were it not for Danny, it would have all gone to the dump. They picked up the decorations and haven’t spoken a word to us since and that’s been a couple of years ago. Nothing is easy in that family. Danny complains that I only have three out of seven bedrooms rented in my rental accommodation. There is a 33% vacancy rate in my town right now as approximately 1000 people have moved on from the oil field plant they spent the last 2 years building. Everyone I speak with has had to reduce their rent significantly to even get renters. I am going to lose 2 of my renters mid December as their jobs will be over. At least the gambling money bleed has stopped, and that was significant. Construction companies have built an overabundance of houses in the past couple years and my realtor said that has been killing their business of selling pre-owned homes. I expect house prices to drop significantly which is not good news for us as we are trying to sell our home and acreage. One day at a time. Carole

[desdemona]

I reread my thread and I noticed that all the plans I came up with such as volunteering, taking courses, taking yoga, going to support groups, etc., never materialized. The best laid plans of mice and men…………I regained the weight I lost in 2013. But I have made progress on my recovery journey, so that’s the main thing. I have started to cut my strips for quilting. Danny came home early today and talked about strife between family members at the legion today, after the Remembrance ceremonies. My daughter as well felt she had been slighted by Danny’s daughters today, so I wasn’t imagining it last night. When people asked where I was today, Danny told them I was sleeping because I was tired. It could have been worse; I could have been gambling, and then I would have felt worse that I didn’t attend. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Kpat))) and (((Liz))) for your kind posts. Kpat, I posted on your thread. I have committed a huge sin in my family today. I did not get up to go to the Rememberance Day ceremonies and to spend the day with my husband and his family. I had a difficult time sleeping last night so I was very tired today, and didn’t get up till 12:30 pm. Every time Danny would wake me up, I kept falling back instantly asleep. My husband has military service as does his father and three brothers. In his family, it is the most important day of the year. There will be unkind words directed towards me today from my husband when he gets home. Dinner last night was a bit weird. I noticed that Danny’s daughter did not come over and hug me like she normally does when she sees me and when she leaves. They live in the city. I don’t know what sin I committed there! Lol! Also my daughter’s girls didn’t come to talk to me right away. I asked my daughter why and she said that the girls said I had said I didn’t like them. I would never say that. I said I didn’t like their behavior the couple days I was babysitting them. They were upset that I had said I wasn’t babysitting them anymore. Lily admitted that I hadn’t said those words but that’s how they were feeling. Seventeen of us that were at the dinner will be going to Mexico on January 1st. Included are 8 young children which will be chaotic as they get excited when they are together with their cousins. I have to remember that these are not my children and that I’m not responsible for how they are behaving. Danny goes back to work tomorrow morning for 2 weeks. My cats like me right now no matter what I do or don’t do. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Kpat)))! I was touched that you read my thread. I can relate to the stress of being a Homecare nurse as I was a Homecare Social Worker for several years. I want to assure you that managing your addiction does get easier with time. I’ve fallen off the recovery train many times but the key to recovery is always getting back on. Recovery is not an all or nothing thing. I have yet to speak to a compulsive gambler that hasn’t had trauma in their life. At first gambling is fun and an escape from feeling anything except excitement that a person might win “free” money. For me it very quickly became a compulsion as I won a large amount of money the first time I went there. I would get a feeling in my stomach that was very much like being on a ferris wheel or a roller-coaster, when I was on my way to the casino. I used gambling to escape boredom, stress, loneliness, and to escape the anger my husband was expressing most of the time. I am banned from the casinos in my province, but the ban does not include the vlts. The only people I see at the vlts are compulsive gamblers like me, so there has become no social value for me to go there. The good thing about you and your husband working recovery together, is that he understands how a cg mind works. My husband does not have a clue and doesn’t believe in depression, and thinks that addictions are just a cop-out, and that people should be able to just pull up their socks and get on with it. So I haven’t had support in quitting gambling and he has at times enabled me. It is only in recent time that he is making me more accountable as to where the money is going. I do not work outside my home anymore so my biggest challenge has been to find something to replace gambling with. Another positive is that you have a church family so you do have opportunities to help out there. I used to berate myself that I would be held accountable for not being a good steward of my money. God forgives and when we know better, we do better as Oprah would say. Sin is sin, no matter what it is and if God forgives, who are we to not forgive ourselves. We are not our addiction; it is a small part of who we are. All we have is today and it is a blank canvass. Way to go on choosing recovery!! Carole

[desdemona]

Went for a haircut, did the recycling, bought cat food from the vet’s, bought 6 bags of bird seed, and a salt block for the deer. Waiting to meet all our kids, spouses, and grandkids, and my father-in-law to go out for supper. I’m not enjoying the cold and the north wind, and that’s with a winter coat. Carole

[desdemona]

Danny just called and said “this is your idiot husband calling!” I said that I hadn’t called him an idiot. He said it was him calling. He apologized and I said, why don’t you just tell me that I’m not spending enough time with you? He said “it’s not just that.” At that point I tuned out and stopped listening. This is a skill that develops with long-term marriages, and I’ve got it mastered. Does turning the oven on self-clean count as housework??? Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Liz))) for your kind post. I am ticked off with Danny today. He was complaining that I have not done much work since he has been home. He is also complaining that I hire a cleaning person once a week now to clean my renters’ house. He complains about my cats and that they have taken over both bedrooms. Because we don’t like the same programs, I go to the spare bedroom and watch TV there, and the cats want to be where I am, cozy on the bed. The complaining and trying to fight with me started this morning because I didn’t want to go with him to town so he could get his injections, he could get a haircut, and could pick up salt for the water conditioners. I told him that I went to the hockey game yesterday when I really didn’t want to, and that I would be spending Rememberance Day with him and his family tomorrow. He said I sat with and visited with different people at the rink instead of being with him, and that I invited a couple to lunch after the game. I’ve cooked suppers for him, did dishes, did laundry and bought fabric and started to quilt (part of my recovery is having a hobby). I clean the litter box, vaccum, and feed my birds, and went grocery shopping. He is complaining that I spend more time with Claudia, my renter than I do with him. Instead of saying he would like me to spend more time with him, he starts nitpicking that I don’t do enough housework. He complains I don’t have enough renters as I only have 3 right now. There are a lot of vacancies right now everywhere as a major project in the oil field has been completed. He says I don’t bring in enough income from the rental to cover the costs of the house. He is complaining that he needs more space for his clothes. Get rid of some of it, you darn hoarder! He should be happy I’m not spending money gambling. And if there is one thing he should know about me, is that you don’t ask me to start planning my day before I’ve had several cups of coffee. He thinks that because he is away working for 14 days, that he shouldn’t have to do anything on his week home. I am not in this world to live up to Danny’s expectations! I’m fine with how much I clean as I’m sick of cleaning. Carole

[desdemona]

Thanks (((P))) for your kind post. I am going to our grandson’s hockey game this morning, even though I don’t like hockey, but it would upset Danny if I didn’t go. My house looks like the beginning stage of a hoarders, with all the cat toys and their stuff brought in, and the disorganization everywhere. I have to feed my birds as they wait on the trees for me to come and put seeds out. In the evening a white tailed deer comes and eats all the seeds that are remaining, so it gets to be an expensive hobby. I have my feeders outside my kitchen window so it is nice to be able to see so many different birds, especially the yellow, blue, and red ones. I also have a squirrel that has worked tirelessly to accumulate seeds for the winter. Danny found one of its nests and it had a lot of cat and dog hair it had hoarded so that it would be a cozy nest for the winter. I love living in the country as I love the quietness and the peacefulness, and the animals I see from time to time. I like living without gambling and doing normal stuff. The only people I would ever see at the vlt venue were cgs like me. The social value is zip. I might as well go to Walmart and engage strangers in small talk; it’s cheaper. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Vera))) and (((Maverick))) for your kind posts. Roast in the slow cooker and Danny’s home for his week off. I finally went and bought material to make quilts for my 2 granddaughters. I haven’t quilted in years but I did enjoy it. The quilt backing I bought is flannel so it will be toasty for the girls. I am going to cut back on how often I babysit my granddaughters as they fight too much and don’t listen to me. I will only babysit them on Thursdays for 1 1/2 hours. No more overnight babysitting. One of the most difficult things I’ve encountered in staying away from gambling has been to find things to replace it with. I think that is a lot of addicts’ struggle. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Vera))) for your kind post. The snow that fell yesterday has melted thankfully! Our clocks in Alberta go back an hour this coming weekend. I have had moderate level urges today as I have $600 cash in my wallet from a renter last night. I’ll be putting a green X on my calendar today as I won’t be gambling that money. It’s always the same when cgs gamble. We only leave the venue when we have no more money to gamble with. And the following day we want to recoup our loses. It’s an endless cycle, unless we don’t place that first bet. So for today I choose to stay home! Carole

[desdemona]

(((Liz))) It sounds like you are enjoying your get-a-way! You are always so busy and you need time to de-compress. I admire the way that you have stopped enabling your youngest daughter, but that has to be such a tough thing for you to do. I have asked my daughter for cash to gamble in the past, and she always said she wasn’t going to enable me to gamble. It made me angry and embarrassed for a short time, because I would think to myself all the things I did to help her. When we enable addicts, I believe it takes them that much longer to hit their bottom where they are sick and tired of their addiction. Hope you have a great time on your trip!! Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Liz))) (((Vera))) and (((Bettie))) for your kind posts to me. I am finally recovering from the nasty cold I had for 2 weeks. It knocked the stuffing out of me. Today is a no school Monday so I am at my daughter’s looking after my granddaughters. It is also snowing for the first time this year. The girls were out at 8:00 am making a snowman. As for not gambling, those green Xs keep accumulating on my calendar. It hasn’t been that I haven’t had thoughts and mild urges but with the support of Danny moving any extra money into another account that doesn’t have my name on it, it’s been a lot easier. He never wanted to help me before. I got his attention by gambling huge amounts of savings money, which was my goal. I have more gamble free time than I have ever had. Carole

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