[desdemona]

Dear (((Liz)))! Your life seems to be moving along pretty fast. You are a get ur done type of girl!!! Good to hear that you sold your vehicle and for the life of me can’t figure out why your Mom didn’t want that nice vehicle with a brand new motor. I’m excited to hear that you are going to have a new home. I need to come see your new place once you settle in. Is it possible that the judge could award you the entire equity in the condo? I am hoping that happens as it was the work that both you and your husband did that build up that equity. What kind of retail business is your daughter opening up?? I’m at my daughter’s looking after my granddaughters while they whoop it up in Vegas with their friends. I’ll be back at my place by Monday evening. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((friends)) for your kind posts. I have been staying at my daughter’s house in the country since Thursday as they have gone to Vegas with a bunch of their friends. They will be back tomorrow which is Monday. I am cooking a turkey dinner for my granddaughters today. Danny is coming for dinner as well. We have been spending time together but he is still difficult to get along with at times. His granddaughter is getting married in Mexico in March and he was told he wouldn’t be getting an invitation to the wedding, which hurt him I’m sure, though he won’t acknowledge it. I got angry about it, as I don’t like to see family members hurt him. He has been excluded from family dinners before due to his negative behaviors, by this same daughter who he raised since she was 5 years old. It is his ex-wife’s daughter. I still love Danny but I can’t live with him due to his anger management problem. I feel sorry for him that he has COPD and MS. I need to get serious about identifying and applying for jobs once I get back home. Carole

[desdemona]

Too funny (((Liz))) about your grandson and his ninja moves. I can visualize him doing that! Are you planning to live with your daughter and grandson in your new digs?? I am very much enjoying living alone as I find it relaxing. No complaint or mean comment around the corner, so much better for me emotionally. No dealing with Danny’s family anymore! It’s all about me and what I need to do for myself, at my own pace. Carole

[desdemona]

I still can’t figure out how to get to the end of people’s threads to read the entries or to post. I had to scroll through my entire thread to be able to post. What am I missing here?? (((Liz))) I am so sorry to hear about what your mother did. You must be so hurt! It does sound like you are going to have to keep those emotional boundaries up with her, especially if you are going to move up to the area she lives in. It will be cooler weather up there which will be a good thing. I don’t know how people live in extreme heat a good part of the year, where you live. I know I couldn’t do it. Yesterday I walked to a grocery store in the university area for exercise, and there was a slight breeze and it was raining fall leaves. It was beautiful to see and the air was fresh. Now that I have an exercise and eating program to keep me occupied, I have less urges to gamble. I am driving to Calgary to pick Danny up as he is flying in from St. Louis later today. I am starting to get myself organized in my new place. Yesterday I organized my closet and jewellery, and listed my CPAP machine for sale. I have lots of cleaning that I have been putting off such as cleaning kitchen cupboards and windows and a blind in my kitchen. As I get to know the city better I am liking it more. When I first moved here, I didn’t like all the traffic and noise but I’m getting used to that. I love all the selection in stores. I don’t miss the country at all. I am putting more structure into my life and have people to spend time with, and places I can go by myself if need be. I am much less lonely than when I first moved here. The only thing missing is a job even though I really don’t want to work. Carole

[desdemona]

I am having trouble figuring out how to get to the latest posts on people’s threads. I had my bone scan and the results were that a ligament partially separated from the bone. The treatment is what I was doing and that was to rest my foot. I still have swelling and it looks like a bone is sticking up at the injury site, below the skin. But it is getting better. I started to walk for 30 minutes a day, 2 days ago. I found the most incredible health tool online, and it is called myfitnesspal. It allows you to enter your exercise and food intake and it calculates your calories, amount of protein, sugars, fats, etc. Cats are doing well. They have bonded so well that they are always curled up together, grooming each other faces, and spend all their time in each other’s company. The only time they seek affection from me is at bedtime. The rest of the time they are meeting each other’s emotional and physical needs. It wasn’t exactly what I had hoped for, but at least I know they are happy together. I did not get a job interview for the 3 positions I applied for. I can say that I wasn’t seriously looking for a job but I should do that. Danny is in St. Louis with a childhood friend and they are spending time with another childhood friend who was an NHL professional player. I had to drive him three hours to catch his plane in Calgary as I had spent 6 hours in Emerg with him due to generalized Multiple Sclerosis symptoms. He was feeling unsafe to drive those three hours, so I said I would drive him, so he wouldn’t miss his trip. He really wants us to get back together but nothing has changed as far as his anger management goes. He says that the separation eats at him 25 hours a day.I have a lease for my suite till the end of June, and am thinking of buying a condo, as I am sick of yardwork. If I want flowers I can plant some on the balcony. I don’t miss the country one wee bit. I have become close to someone I worked with for many years in Edmonton. That fills some of the emotional void I have been feeling. We talk on the phone and on facebook, and we walk outside together. We have a lot in common and she is a devoted grandmother. I don’t see my granddaughter often as she spends time with her friends and has school work to do, which is fine with me. We did go down Whyte Avenue which is an artsy fartsy avenue and we went into unique shops and bought a few things. I took silly pictures of her wearing old fashioned hats and glasses, and of her wearing a unicorn mask that we found in one shop. It was just like old times we used to have. Red used to be my favorite color and it is now my favorite color once again. I bought a bright red necklace even though I haven’t worn make-up or jewellery in years. I can see myself doing that soon. I never wanted to draw attention to myself, because I didn’t feel good about myself. I like living alone as it is so relaxing. Carole

[desdemona]

I figured out accidently how to get to the last posts on your thread. I can’t figure out this new system and I’m a reasonably intelligent person……Good for you for standing your ground with your work schedule. And very good that the manager and his GF have transferred out of there. When is your visit with Deb? I am getting settled in the city though haven’t looked very hard for a job yet. I have started walking though with a friend that also needs to lose weight, so we’re doing it together. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Liz)))! I’m sorry if you read that I was thinking you were feeling suicidal because I meant nothing like that! I was talking about myself in the very early grief process when my brother ****. That’s the thing with communication online, sometimes we don’t get exactly what the other person is saying. I’m sorry that you felt hurt by what you thought I was saying. I knew you were physically ill with the flu. If I thought anyone was feeling suicidal I would phone them, not communicate online. I was saying that I thought you had managed incredibly since your husband ****. That you were inspirational on how you have handled things. Carole

[desdemona]

(((Debbie))) Nice to see that you’re happy with where your life is now. You were right that things have settled down since I moved permanently to the city. I have no desire to return to the life I was living with Danny. I also have zero desire to meet "anybody" else, but we’re all different. When I first left Danny I was feeling really cynical about marriage and relationships. That is slowly changing. I refuse to have unhealthy people in my life anymore, unless they are working some kind of recovery program and are trying to change. You’ve done really well with working your gambling recovery program, and I’m sure that getting rid of the source of a lot of your stress has helped (read Barry). Carole

[desdemona]

Hi (((Lorraine)))! It’s Carole but under a new name. It’s so nice to reconnect with you. It sounds like you’re struggling with gambling. I know that you have been under a lot of stress for years, with your husband’s diagnosis and subsequent placement, as well as financial stress due to compulsive gambling. And that you live with other cgs. Did you ever renew your self-exclusion when it expired? Keep reaching out for support from people that care about you on this site and the other site you frequent. Every single day that you don’t gamble is a victory. This is a nasty addiction and it will ***** everything it can from us. Not only financially but emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. I believe that God always had his hand on me, even when I was compulsively gambling, waiting to lead me out of the dark place I was in. I believe He has his hand on your life as well Lorraine. Keep reaching out! The red convertible down the Oregon Coast is within your grasp some day. Carole  

[desdemona]

(((Cat))) I’m disappointed too! Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((P)))! I know all about facades as I went around for many years with a big smile, and people thought I was so competent and had it altogether. When all the time I was dying inside of emotional pain. I felt shame for things that had been done to me and for bad choices I had made. I thought that nobody could help me, that nobody could ever understand my pain. I wouldn’t have asked for help if I was on fire! I was there for everyone but myself. It’s only when I started asking for help from professionals and showing my weaknesses and pain to others that I started to recover. You say you have no support from family, and I believe you. Family can be people that have no biological relationship to us. Family are the people that support and care about us, even if they are friends, professionals, etc. There were decades where I tried to get my mother’s approval and love, sadly only to realize that this was never going to happen, and I had to let that go. In emotional recovery, there is pain, but once we walk through that pain, there is so much freedom. I get lonely a lot but it sure is better than living in a situation that was very unhealthy for me emotionally. I now will not have people in my life that don’t treat me with respect and value. I am working on being a better person, but for me that doesn’t mean that I don’t put in emotional boundaries with others. I can’t fix everything about my life or myself all at once. I try and do it in baby steps so I don’t get overwhelmed. My relationships with my family of origin are on my terms now. I no longer feel that I have to help or fix everyone’s problems. (((P))) Ask for help, and keep putting one foot after the other, and you will get there. None of us ever arrive where everything in ourselves or our lives is perfect. That’s why it’s important to cut ourselves some slack. Progress not perfection. It’s easy not to gamble when we don’t have the money to do so. At some point you’re going to have money again. so you have time to come up with a plan on how you’re going to put barriers around accessing that money. Carole

[desdemona]

(((Liz))) It does sound like you have been really ill with that flu. Anybody who has lost a family member knows what an incredibly hard journey grief is. I had a day when my brother **** that I felt very suicidal as I didn’t think I could bear such emotional pain. It’s important to ask for support, and if a person can’t get it from family members, then they need to get it through resources available in their community. With grief a person has good days and bad days, and also very bad days. I thought that it was amazing that you were able to still take your grandson as much as you did, take your Mom to see her sister, and make the journey to come see me, so soon after your husband ****. I know that you are stressed out about the situation with your husband’s daughter, which by the way, seems ridiculous that you should have to share any of your and your husband’s assets with her. Once that is resolved, you won’t be as stressed out. It sounds to me like your decision to move to other housing, is already made, reading between the lines. A new start will probably be good for you. Experts recommend that a person wait a year before making any big changes when a person is grieving, in case a person regrets those changes down the line. Hope you’re 100% well soon. Carole  

[desdemona]

Thinking of you (((Vera))) as you have your meeting today! I hope it goes well! I have a stress fracture in my foot and am having a bone scan on the 23th where they inject you with dye. I don’t know what the treatment, if any, is going to be. I spoke to my daughter about the way my granddaughter treated me after she had talked to my granddaughter. My granddaughter admitted that she had been really mean to me to her mother, and wanted to apologize to me, but she wanted me to apologize to her for something. My daughter explained to her that I had done nothing wrong so I had nothing to apologize for. My granddaughter felt that I was abandoning her and my daughter explained to her that what I had said was that IF she couldn’t treat me respectfully, then we should take a break from each other. So that’s where our relationship stands for right now. And I’m OK with that for now! I told my daughter that I will no longer allow anyone to disrespect me or treat me badly in any way, anymore. Overall I am sleeping better in my new place than I was in the country. I’m much more relaxed here and am grateful to have some down time before I go back to work. I would have liked to travel somewhere before I start working but injuring my foot has really affected my ability to go a lot of places, as I can’t walk too much or my foot aches. I have a jackrabbit that comes and lays about 8 feet away from me every afternoon, which I think is cool. I have my bird feeder out but so far the only birds eating out of it are magpies. There is also a dark orange cat with one green eye and one blue eye that comes visit me. So after a couple of really emotional days, I am feeling more stable emotionally. The good news is that I didn’t gamble. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Cat))). The doctor had me come in again to see him today and he said I had a stress fracture in my right foot, and that he wanted me to have a bone scan which is scheduled for September 23th. They inject dye into your vein, you go away for a few hours, and then come back for the scan. I don’t know what if anything is the treatment for this type of fracture. I have realized that I can’t drive to where you live as I drove a fair amount yesterday, and by evening time, my foot was sore. I thought of flying but because I don’t know what’s going to happen with my foot and possible job interviews I can’t buy a ticket, because of all the unknown factors. I really wish this would have worked out that we could have spent time together and shopped in the US. Sorry about that (((Cat))). You are welcome to come visit me and stay with me. Carole 

[desdemona]

Thanks (((Liz))) and (((P))) for your kind posts. I am still waiting for my xray results as they didn’t come back to the doctor in the later afternoon as the doctor expected. I will hear today. I cried and cried yesterday evening after taking my granddaughters out to supper. My 20 year old granddaughter asked me if I was feeling better about the 4 year old spending her time in the city with her, as opposed to me. I said I was and then my granddaughter said " When my sisters come to the city, I should stay away because they are going to "pick" me every time." It was not just what she said but her tone of voice when she said that. Then she kept asking her sister to kiss her on each cheek, and asking her who her best friend was." She really laid it on thick with the little one. I was devastated that she could be so mean to me. I had looked so forward to spending time with the little one, and to be treated with such disrespect from my granddaughter devastated me. I am going to let my granddaughter know that if she can’t treat me with more respect, she shouldn’t come around me. Carole 

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