[desdemona]

My head cold seems to be getting worse and we fly out Friday morning. I have been watching some TV programs that have been really inspirational, such as CNN Heroes of the year and the Michael Morton Story. I was very inspired by one hero particularly that is building homes for wounded US veterans. The other program was about Michael Morton who was wrongly convicted for murdering his wife and he spent 25 years in prison, and one night he cried out to God and said, “I got nothing here, show me something!” A few weeks later he was bathed in a golden light and felt God’s love, right in his cell. I also watched a program of 3 people who also “died” and experienced being in the presence of God. One woman said that she had a conversation with Jesus and he told her that her son was going to die, and he did die. I’m a real cynic when it comes to out of body experiences but it is hard not to believe what I heard these 3 people talk about. The point of me explaining what I have been watching is that it so touched my heart and got me thinking a lot, like I normally do, but I actually got an answer to a question I have been asking myself for several years. I have been asking myself what my purpose in life is, and how have I changed the world, even in small ways. And I couldn’t answer that! I have decided that I am going to contact Habitat for Humanity, and go do some volunteer work with them. They build homes for disadvantaged families with small mortgages that the families can afford to pay. The family’s down payment is sweat equity in helping them build their home. Most of us can’t effect big change in the world but we can help out right where we’re planted. Michael Morton could be very bitter about having been wrongly convicted but he is a beautiful soul, and he knows 3 things since his golden light experience: God exists, God is wise, and God loves him. He used his time in prison to get an education, and do moral inventories of himself, and became a changed man. All three people who “died,” said that their out of body experience taught them not to fear death, and to live with much less fear. I know I’m all over the place with this post, but a seed has been planted in me and my life is going to change. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Laura)))!
It’s good to see you post. Hard times and major life changes and staying gamble free is an awesome accomplishment. Way to go girl!! Sorry that you deal with chronic pain as that is wearing on a person. You have worked an amazing recovery and I applaud you for that. Carole

[desdemona]

Sore throat and feeling under the weather turned into a serious head cold, and some coughing. An hour or so before Danny left my place, he took out his ipad and went to our joint account and started querying me as to what every transaction was about. Same thing he did to me last time he was here. He mentioned past gambling indiscretions and started talking to me meanly and paternalistic. I’ve been trying really hard and have not been gambling recently, so how is that helpful to bring up the past, just to have a reason to lord over me and treat me like a child. He keeps reminding me that he is supporting me and that I wouldn’t have my suite if he wasn’t supporting me. I stewed about how he had treated me all day yesterday and woke up at 4:30 am fuming. I called him and told him how disgusted I was with his behavior towards me, and that he was going to pay me x number of dollars per month till he could pay me my share of the house, and that this money would go into my own account, and that I would be accountable to myself for this money. I told him that I was reconsidering whether I wanted him in my life at all. It reminded me perfectly of why I left him. I resorted to my old way of dealing with stress and comfort ate all day yesterday. I suppose it’s better than gambling. I won’t be doing either of those negative behaviors today. I’m angry! Carole

[desdemona]

Bloodwork went better than I imagined it would be. I was impressed by all the young people donating blood, and by an older lady who was giving her 100th donation. I have a sore throat, a bit of a headache, am feeling under the weather, and have sniffles. I hope I am not getting sick. We are still enduring some very cold weather here, like 40 below. I won’t be going anywhere. My sister lives in Texas and they got snow there. Carole

[desdemona]

Hi (((Cat)))! I spoke to Larry through email and he is fine and not gambling. He reads posts but is working on some issues in his own life. I also spoke to Vera through email and she is not gambling. They will both come back and post on GT in their own time. A lot of us compulsive gamblers have been type A personalities and perfectionists in the past. It’s been all or nothing for us. Could you just prioritize what needs to be done before your trip, and only do that, and not the “it would be nice if things”, and just do the basic. One day at a time! Everything doesn’t have to be perfect. Ask for help with the Christmas dinner; it doesn’t make you less than, if you ask. My mother had a cleaning obsession, and she has stated that she maybe shouldn’t have cleaned so much. As kids we don’t remember any good times with our mother, only that she cleaned crazily. My kids and grandkids will remember the good times we had, not that their grandma’s house was spotless. Give yourself a break (((Cat.))) Be kind to yourself! Keep reminding yourself of what life was like when you were actively gambling. I know that you don’t want to jeopardize your future by doing the one thing we cgs can’t do, and that’s gamble. I hope that you can retire soon so that you don’t have the workplace stress. As we age, I find that I don’t have the patience for workplace nonsense, nor the energy and stamina I used to have. It depletes a person’s emotional energy in the kind of job you have. I’m going to remind you again of one day at a time, as it seems that you’re worrying about everything personal and workplace related you have to do, for December. You can get through today, and that’s all that is required of you. Carole

[desdemona]

A week from today at this time, we’ll be on a plane flying to California, with 2 of our grandkids. It has been so cold here with the wind chill factor and low temperatures that even my bones feel chilled. I came home yesterday after running errands and had a hot bath, and I was still cold. It’s freezing out there today and I have to go for my bone marrow bloodwork. I’ll be glad when that’s over. I have been a fainter in the past and am hoping that doesn’t happen today. I heard from Vera and she is not gambling. Woowho!!! One day at a time. I won’t be gambling today. I have to keep reminding myself that I have too much to lose to go back to the old life, and what bottom could look like for me. That’s not somewhere I want to go, so I have to keep working at my recovery. Carole

[desdemona]

Hi (((Reds)))! I changed my user name from Carole to Desdemona. Nice to see you posting! It sounds like you’re close to finishing all the renos in your house! That scenario with your Dad could have ended very differently, and good to hear he ended up somewhere safe. One of the doctors in CL had his Mom living with them and she ended up going outside in the middle of the night and freezing to death in their backyard. Dementia is a cruel disease. I can well imagine caregivers getting exhausted, and the need for placement to somewhere safer for the affected person. Your Christmas plans sound lovely. We are taking 2 of our grandkids to Disneyland on Dec 13th, so I am looking forward to getting away from the snow for a bit, and a change in scenery. Carole

[desdemona]

After visiting the pediatrician Jeremy is allowing us to take our grandkids to California which is a huge relief as we’ll get to see Disneyland and Universal Studios through the eyes of our grandkids who have never gone before. I finally tracked down my pay cheque and it’s at the treatment centre and I have asked them to mail it to me. Danny is arriving today from working out of town and is going to stay the night as he is going to take me for my bloodwork tomorrow. I have asked him to go home after that so that I can rest, as they recommend that. The next time I see him we will be going on our vacation. My granddaughter will be living at my place with the cats while we are away. I still don’t know what I’m doing for Christmas Day. One day at a time!! Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Cat))) for your kind post. I hear that you that you are struggling with thoughts and urges lately, due to stress. I know that you have some new staff hires so that has to be stressful. Are you stressed in any way about your upcoming trip? Overwhelmed about the basement renos?? Hubby? You have just passed your one year milestone, and I’m wondering it that has anything to do with your stress. I’m sure there were times you were white-knuckling it during that first year. Maybe it’s like “now what?” I hope that you rewarded yourself big time for that year of sanity! In January, would it be possible to have a “painting bee,” for a day or two, and then you could feed them supper, either home cooked or take-out. You supervise and let the others do the work. When I feel overwhelmed I have to ask myself what I can do so that I feel less overwhelmed. Danny’s daughter and her ex-husband are going to see the pediatrician today to get the facts on how at risk our grandson would be to go to California unimmunized. This appointment will resolve once and for all whether our grandkids are going on vacation with us. I’m hoping for the best, and we’ll hear later today. My daughter and 4 year old granddaughter spent the night here last night due to the road conditions and to avoid driving in the dark. The doctor is doing 2 procedures on her today and I am wondering if she’ll feel well enough to drive home today, though I know she wants to go home badly, and be in her own home and bed. We went to the mall yesterday and I bought her a gorgeous dress for a Christmas party, as her Christmas gift. My daughter can rock a flour sack. I finally talked to payroll today and she has a cheque has been issued and she will call the payroll company and see if they will direct deposit my money. That would be the easiest for me. It doesn’t matter much when I get the money as I’m not planning to use it for gambling, but I would like it sitting in my account. I almost forgot to say that I have lost 19 pounds in 2 months with myfitnesspal. I bought a scale yesterday and weighed myself this morning. I will not weigh myself more than once a month as I need to see progress. I’ve goaled for 6 pounds in December as we are going to California and with Christmas holidays, I want a reasonable goal. My daughter was surprised at how much of a difference the weight loss has made in my appearance. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. One day at a time! Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Liz))) for your kind post to my thread. Surprisingly, I don’t feel irritated by my “missing” paycheque as that is the way that organization operates. I’m going to try and phone them again today. My supervisor stepped down from his position so there is no supervisor to ask, and my old supervisor is vacationing in San Diego. I’m just happy that I’m not working in that dysfunction anymore. It affected my emotional health and screwed up my sleeping patterns and that is why I think I’ve been having insomnia. I was hoping that because it was a recovery centre, that it would be a healthy environment to work in. Danny has been negotiating with Jeremy to have our grandson travel with us, but no progress has been made. I had told Danny not to say anything negative or threatening to Jeremy even if he flat out refused to let our grandson go. Danny sent me a copy of the emails he had between him and Jeremy, and the last one sounded threatening to Jeremy, that he would lose what he had with his kids, and that he was glad that he wasn’t going to be the one to tell the grandkids that they couldn’t go to Disneyland. Jeremy has been diagnosed with borderline personality along with other mental health conditions, so I know that he is going to perceive what was communicated as threatening. I would react negatively to getting such an email. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Danny resorted to this kind of communication even though he had been clearly asked not to. Now we have no chance of our grandson travelling with us, short of a court order, which Danny said he would pay for. Jeremy’s reason for not letting his son travel is because he has not been immunized for childhood diseases, and it’s too late to get them as they need time to take effect. It was a decision that they both made while being married. We leave on December 13th for our trip so time is ticking by. Neither grandchild will be able to travel if both can’t go, which I agree with. My daughter is driving in from the country for an appointment today and there are vehicles littering the ditches along that highway because the roads are icy. I’m going to have to dig out my vehicle as it is snow covered and hasn’t been moved for 3 days. It will be good for me to get out for a while today, and as soon as I finish my morning coffee, I am going to color my hair. I’m taking it a day at a time in recovery, and I have to keep reminding myself that I have too much to lose to go back there, and of all the different bottoms I could experience. Carole

[desdemona]

Insomnia and procrastination seem to be my nemesis at this point. I had to reschedule my blood work today as it is snowing and the roads are slick and the police are reporting many accidents, and some highways closures. Flights are being cancelled both leaving and landing, so best not to risk an accident. I guess I’ll be home watching Dr. Phil today. I haven’t been outside of my house for the past three days. I can’t seem to track down my last paycheque and no one is returning my calls. Our grandson’s father is still not changing his mind about our grandson travelling with us, and has said that he will not change his mind. It is somewhat worrisome but it is something I have no control over. A few gambling thoughts but no urges. I have to keep reminding myself that bad things can happen to people that keep compulsively gambling. I have too much to lose if I gamble. I think that I would not stoop to illegal behavior to gamble but other people who never thought they would do what they did, have. None of us knows what our bottom could become. One day at a time. Carole

[desdemona]

Danny has been texting our ex-son-in-law and he’s agreed to let our granddaughter go to California with us, but he says no to our grandson. As a couple, they decided when the kids were young, to not get their children vaccinated. Our grandson was born with a hole in his heart that we were told usually closes over as kids age. Because he is not vaccinated, Jeremy refuses to let him travel, feeling like he would be at risk. It’s all just control and manipulation on his part. Danny’s daughter has 2 letters from doctors saying that it is safe for him to go to the US, but Jeremy says that his pediatrician says it isn’t. Danny has asked him to do the right thing and let his son travel with us. I hope this can be resolved as one can’t go with us, and the other stay home.
I’m stuck in an emotional rut since I quit working, staying home almost every day, all day long. There are things I could be doing, but I’m not. My insomnia is back and last night I was still awake at 5:00 am. Even my cats look bored! Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Cat)))! I’m excited that you’re going to be with your son, daughter-in-law, and precious grandkids this Christmas! You are going to get to hold that precious granddaughter for the first time. I am staying away from the machines. I am seeing so many programs on TV where cgs get themselves in real trouble. I don’t want that to be me! You are doing so well in your recovery and there’s nothing new under the sun when it comes to gambling. It’s like an alcoholic having one drink. It’s never enough!! One day at a time! Carole

[desdemona]

It’s so nice to see you so happy (((Liz)))! Your first turkey; way to go!!! It sounds like you have considerate neighbours! I saw the pictures of your backyard and the surrounding area, and it looks gorgeous and relaxing. Are you going to transplant your memorial bush from your condo yard??? Carole

[desdemona]

Great for you (((Bettie))) for walking away from her after she was mean and cruel to you. And good for you for going to Debbie’s where you have solid support and friendship. I hope you two have a great time!! Carole

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