[desdemona]

(((Liz))) I can only go by my experience when my brother died, and what other people in the grief support groups I facilitated, told me. The first year is the hardest, and Christmas is the hardest time to get through. I cried so much Christmas Eve after my brother died, that I couldn’t put the annual fondue dinner together for our kids, spouses, and grandchildren. They were at the house and I stayed alone in the trailer crying. My very pregnant daughter had to step up and do all the work, as I couldn’t be around people. I think that once Christmas Day is over, a lot of us that are struggling with urges, will have some respite from them. I’m so happy that you are away from living in that year round heat, and that you are now the proud owner of a house. I wish I lived closer as I would love to help you landscape your backyard. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((P)))! I can understand how relentless the urges can be, as I have been fighting them myself. You proved that you’re stronger than the urges because you didn’t gamble. One point for you and zero point for the addiction. This time of year is stressful for so many people due to all kinds of reasons. I don’t like the holidays myself, but somehow we have to get through them as best as we can. There are times in my recovery that I have urges and then I go along fine, feeling like gambling is foreign to me. I’m waiting for the days where I don’t struggle and they will come to both you and I. We just have to get through one day at a time. Neither one of us can go back to gambling. Not only will we feel dreadful and horrible, but we’ll have actually given them our money so we can feel this bad! I hope that you will feel better very soon! Carole

[desdemona]

I had a decent sleep last night but still have my cold, though I feel well for the most part. I’m on track for having a gamble free December. I don’t know if anyone realizes that in the past 3 years, I have never had one month of gamble free time. I sabotaged each month by having a slip(s). A day at a time, I will make this month gamble free. It’s taken me 3 years to get to this point. I need to break this pattern and this will be the month I do it. I have this irrational thinking that someone I know will die before Christmas. So I’m waiting for Christmas to be here to let that thinking go. I’m trying to figure out where this thinking is coming. My Mother-in-law died 2 years ago just before Christmas, and I remember how painful the first Christmas was after my brother died. Or maybe it’s because I’m travelling back to the country for the first time since I left Danny. Or maybe it’s my addiction not wanting to die because I’m going to have a gamble free rest of December. My logical mind tells me that statistically there is no more chance of someone I know dying before Christmas than any other day of the year. I don’t even know anybody that is palliative. I sound like a nut case to people that don’t know me, I’m sure. But this has always been the place that I put thoughts to words, just to get them out of my head. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! You were not blind and stupid. Your addiction blinded you and you made decisions that were as a result of being so ill emotionally with a gambling addiction. Addictions thrive in secrecy and we lie to keep our addiction going because the addiction is so strong and compulsive. Your friends that are telling you that they can see that he loves you so much and that he will change his mind, are telling you these things because they want to give you hope, and I’m sure their intentions are good. The truth of the matter is that no one knows what is going to happen in your situation with your boyfriend. I know you don’t want to hear that and I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I really am sorry! But I have to say that anyone who will make you move out a few days before Christmas, if you get your cheque, doesn’t sound like someone who in the future will support and stand by you. You don’t even know if you’re going to have continued employment and he wants you to move after 3 years of being together. A restaurant’s reputation that he may get in the future is more important than you?? Is this the man that would stand by you if you were diagnosed with cancer or involved in a motor vehicle accident that left you disabled? He seems to be thinking only of himself and his future, and not supporting you in your recovery. There are better days ahead for you though I know you can’t envision that now. Even though worry changes nothing, it would be impossible for a person not to worry in your situation. But just do the best that you can in today, and try and relax when you can. I care what happens to you. Carole

[desdemona]

(((Liz))) I ate healthy all day other than all the M&Ms I ate. I’m not laughing about that!!! Nicole was baking here and left the bag here, and of course good ole sabotage Danny told me that they were in the cupboard where my granddaughter left her cookie decorating stuff. When I was out at the store today I made sure that I didn’t buy a lick of junk food. Not a good thing, but I’ve had lots of gambling thoughts today. Maybe because I’m stressed about Christmas, even though it’s just another day really. I remembered earlier today of having a dream about gambling last night, and about all 5 gold symbols in a row lining up. Christmas is a hard time of year for a lot of people, for various reasons. I would just as soon stay home by myself that day, but my granddaughters want me to make that long drive and come visit them. Carole

[desdemona]

(((Liz))) The geese sound like a hoot!! I’m eating M & Ms that my granddaughter left here after baking and icing the shortbread cookies. Not exactly on my healthy eating plan. It’s cold here so I’m feeling sleepy. Glad you got the groceries you need to hunker down with. We should think about going somewhere this spring/summer, like the Oregon Coast. Carole

[desdemona]

(((Liz))) You have done extremely well in the past year handling what life has thrown at you. You have shown that even in the toughest of times that you have handled yourself with dignity and strength of character. That’s what makes you an inspiration to me and to others. As far as your sister is concerned, I can understand not wanting her son to spend Christmas in jail. As you and I both know, a person will be willing to change when what they are doing is not working for them anymore. When the pain of the self-destructive behaviors becomes greater than making the change. I’m excited to see what the new year brings for you (((Liz))) and I hope it rains blessings for you. Carole

[desdemona]

(((Kin))) I am proud of you for not self-medicating your unpleasant feelings with self-destructive behaviors. And I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom’s cancer diagnosis. I hope she will be cured with the surgery. She needs you to be present for her emotionally at this time and to be lost in destructive behaviors will not help you or her. You are going through a very stressful time with this diagnosis and your contract not being renewed, so it’s important that you take good care of yourself. Your posts sound very different than they used to be. You seem to be more focused and you seem to be more stable, even though situations in your life are out of your control. Way to go (((Kin))). Carole

[desdemona]

I was able to motivate myself to go out and do the errands I had listed, even though I dreaded the crowds! The truth is I was back home by 10:30 am, and there were no crowds anywhere I went, and I was able to buy exactly what I was looking for. I even bought my cats a cool present for when I’m away over Christmas. The clerks in the store said it would be crazy busy later on in the day, so I’m thankful that I went early. Most of what we worry about never comes to pass is my experience. For 2 days I dreaded going shopping, and it turned out to be completely the opposite of what I expected. I had a pay cheque in my purse that I dreaded going to deposit, because I was concerned that I would impulsively withdraw cash out to gamble. So I made that my first errand and quickly got out of there. I had a few urges but told myself how awful I would feel losing that money, and that my shopping wouldn’t get done. I had to say out loud “No! No! No! Money has more value than to make the wheels spin, and make me feel depressed. Other than changing the kitties litter box, I’m going to chill the rest of the day. Carole

[desdemona]

Wow (((trinitysky)))! Three months gamble free is a huge accomplishment! You say you are scared for your boyfriend, that he may go through life not fighting for worthwhile things. Sweet girl, that is not your responsibility as to whether he allows others to dictate his actions for him. You are only responsible for yourself and your actions. I know that him closing your joint account hurts, but it probably isn’t a personal attack on you, even though that’s the way you feel. He is doing what he needs to do to protect himself, which is something you talked about, and agreed to. You have every right to your feelings of anger, especially because it has been a long-term relationship, and you had the expectation that he would be there for you no matter what. They say actions speak louder than words. Feel your anger and express it in a healthy way. I know you love him but I have to agree with the lady at the GA meeting, that if he can’t support you emotionally when you need him the most, perhaps he isn’t the right guy for you. Do you even want someone who lets his family control him?? As you grow in recovery, you will see and realize things about friends and loved ones, that you were either unable to see or refused to acknowledge due to being ill from compulsive gambling. Try to live in today, and try to focus on anything that is positive. Perhaps write down positive things about yourself and the day, and focus on those things. I totally understand that you are feeling like you are having a heart attack due to all the stress you are under, not knowing what the future holds for you, court-wise, employment-wise, or relationship- wise. I’ve had my heart totally shattered a couple of times, but time and talking about it heals the pain. Just know that your life won’t always be this stressful. This too shall pass! Sending you a hug (((trinitysky))). Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((icandothis))) for your kind words. It’s taken me almost 3 years to get to where I’m at in recovery, and it’s been far from perfect, as I’ve had many slips. I’ve been an all or nothing person in my life, and I’ve hung on to progress not perfection, which has taken me this far. I have to agree with you that I am owning my own recovery more, as I started recovery using whatever what was happening in my life as excuses to slip. In all fairness to myself, I hadn’t developed all the coping skills I now have. Then when I slipped, I would tell myself progress not perfection and I would focus on that I had so many more gamble free days than slips, and that kept me going. I am at a point in my recovery now where if I were to slip, I have no excuse and it would be that I didn’t exercise the skills I have learned. I don’t want to be the person I was pre-recovery as I was a people pleaser/enabler. Gambling was a “reward” for me, as I wasn’t getting most of my emotional needs met in my marriage so I gambled to try and fill some of the void in my life. As compulsive gamblers, we all know what gambling has done and continues to do in our lives, when we slip. We are all one bet away from losing our recovery. Recovery is a process of believing we are worthy of recovering, and acquiring the skills we need to not have gambling as part of our life. We never arrive; we will always have to stay vigilant. I’m going to dig deep today to go out shopping, as I dread the thought of crowds. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Liz))) for your kind post. I’m so happy to hear that your daughter is no longer responsible for anything that has to do with the business and that she has or will get the money she invested back. That’s a great idea to find a group right in the city, seeing as you’ll be there already. I love the weather in Hawaii, and I’m sure your grandson will really enjoy his time there. As for me I still have a cold and haven’t done anything in my house since I returned home from California, except one load of laundry. I need to go out and do my present shopping for Danny but can’t seem to find the motivation so far. I dread the crowds at the stores and going out in the cold. It’s snowing today and is supposed to snow for the next 3 days. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((icandothis)))! First of all congratulations on all your gamble free days. I like that you said that you want to make the best of today, and that you’re not letting three hours of gambling define who you are. That’s the best thing a person can do is forgive themselves and move forward. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a very happy New Year. Carole

[desdemona]

Great Post Charles!! None of us is no better than anyone else as we’ve not walked in anyone shoes. I remember being surprised the first when a cg mentioned they had embezzled money from an employer, and thinking I wasn’t as bad as she was, as a compulsive gambler because I had not done that. Today I can so easily see how this could happen with this nasty addiction that will do anything to survive. A person “borrows” the money, planning to repay it with their “winnings.” Then they lose that money and soon they have “borrowed” more money than they can repay. I really feel for people that have gotten themselves in these kinds of situations because by the grace of God, go I. Let’s just all be non bettors, like you said. Carole

[desdemona]

Hi (((Kin)))! I’m so proud of you for having 10 weeks of no destructive behavior. Merry Christmas to you (((Kin)))! Carole

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