[desdemona]

The woman said that they get plenty of identified donors that change their mind about donating, either because they didn’t realize all that was involved, or it isn’t a good time in their life. I mentioned that they’d probably get more refusing, if people had all the information about what was involved right from the start, but that isn’t a reason to not provide them with the information. One Match Registry is a highly respected organization throughout the world and is linked to all the countries that have bone marrow registries. She would have received my post-donation survey where I outlined my experience honestly, which I’m sure becomes part of my file. Feeling used is a huge trigger for me because of the abuse I suffered as a child, and because of “people pleasing” ways, that I have been working hard to change. I’m not going to take this to a higher level as I don’t believe it would make any difference. I have my form for an additional request to donate in my purse ready to be mailed whereas I said no to any further requests!! I often say to myself in my head “What do they want blood?” (old expression) Then I chuckle because I realize I already gave them that. I hope I’m pretty done venting about this experience! Carole

[desdemona]

And I forgot to mention that the injections I was given are a chemotherapy drug. She told me that today! I would have liked this information long before this. No wonder I was so ill when I was getting the injections!! I’m not happy with how I was treated! Carole

[desdemona]

I left a message for my case coordinator in Ottawa to call me as I wanted to discuss my experience with the donation. I told her I was offended getting the letter asking me to consent to donating to the same recipient should the person require it, before I was even fully recovered. I told her that I had donated two complete stem cell collections so I had already donated twice. She said it counts as only one donation. That makes no sense to me as they give the lady one transfusion and they freeze the second portion if she needs it later. I also explained that I would have liked to have the information about the injections not being approved by Health Canada before getting so heavily invested in the process. I found this out just before I was to start my injections. I probably would have decided to donate anyways, as I knew a lady was dying if she didn’t get stem cells, but I still would have liked to make a fully informed decision. Her response was that I could have decided not to go ahead with the donation at any time. In good conscience I wouldn’t have let someone die if I could have helped them. I don’t feel heard or understood by my case manager. I still feel that my needs weren’t taken good care of. It feels like the agency’s mandate is more important than me as a donor. She even tried to tell me that maybe I missed that information due to the amount of information that was presented to me in a short period of time. I was able to identify to her when that information was given to me, and it was after I went to Cancercare and had the ECG, chest X-ray, more blood work, and met with the doctor and case worker in Winnipeg, in a phone call with her from Ottawa. She had to concede to that and not that I had missed that information. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor to get a requisition for blood work to see what my CBC levels are. I have to have this annually for years. Anyways it is what it is!! It doesn’t seem I can get her to understand where I’m coming from. She stated that they struggle about how much information and when, to give donors as an agency. Try giving them all of it and let them make an informed decision. Carole

[desdemona]

(((Liz))) I hear you about feeling suicidal when your husband died. I felt the same way when my brother died for a short while as I too didn’t think I could manage the crushing grief. Way to go on healthy eating and exercising! I will probably start walking once the spring weather arrives!! Like many people in Canada, I am sick of the cold winter, but I know that soon I’ll be complaining of how hot it is! Carole

[desdemona]

Day three of being gamble free. I have no urges to gamble which is great even though I have cash in the bank. The next time I go into the bank I am going to lower my ATM limit to $100 or Charles will “nag” me till I do. I appreciate that kind of nagging. I applied for three more jobs this morning. I’m more serious about finding a job as I am taking my time to write my cover letters and am laying out my education and experience as it applies to the position. I spoke to my daughter yesterday and told her that I had changed my mind about caring for my little granddaughters in March, as I needed to be available if I was called for an interview or a job. She received this news well as she doesn’t want me to have to move back to the country unless I truly want to. I don’t have my day planned yet, though I do know it won’t involve gambling. Danny has still not heard if he has a job to go back to. He is checking out working for other companies, while he waits to hear. Cats seem to be tolerating each other a “tad” better. There were several times yesterday afternoon that all three were within 10 feet of each other in the same room and there was no hissing or scraping. Thank God for small and big mercies! Carole

[desdemona]

(((Liz))) You’re so sweet for saying that I was there for you last year. It was my honour to do that for you. Marriage counselling Vera?? Surely you jest!!! I wouldn’t even consider it! Sometimes it’s a case of too little too late! Carole

[desdemona]

Thanks (((P))) and (((Charles))) for your kind supportive posts. I am feeling so much better now than I was earlier today! I identified the things in my life I can change such as organizing my place, and my granddaughter put some of the stuff she’s not using in my vehicle, as we are travelling to her mother’s house on Friday anyways. I realized that if I don’t want to have to move back to the country, I need to find myself a full-time job, and I applied for 3 in my field today. That way I structure my time and am not financially dependent on Danny and I can stay in the city. I cannot give my Mom’s cat away as she loves it very much and was comforted by the fact that it was going to my house. We’re still going to keep trying to see if they can get along!! I need to get some passports pictures as my passport expires this summer. A person should always be ready for an impromptu trip. I am going to once again lower my ATM limit to $100, which will be a huge deterrent to gambling. I control my weight as no one is force feeding me chocolates, so I need to go back to not buying stuff like that, or having it in my house, as I have zero self-control with treats. It’s been so easy for me to slip into bad behaviors with so many things going on, and with the house not selling and with the possibility of Danny being unemployed. I can’t control these 2 things, but I can control pretty much everything else going on in my life. I am still organizing my bedroom walk-in closet and my granddaughter has vacuumed and mopped the floors and looked after the cats’ needs. I’m going to launder the living room drapes as the cats brush themselves against them, and I’m pretty sure we could make another cat out of how much hair is on them. All in all I’m feeling so much better! Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Liz)))! My life is such a mess right now, especially compared to how yours is. You have managed your life so well, even though you have had such huge stressors, like the death of your husband. You obviously have a lot of strength and character! I need to get back on track with many areas of my life. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Liz))), (((Vera))), (((P))), and (((Reds))) for your kind supportive posts. It was wonderful this morning (((Reds))) to see a post from you. Everyone is saying such nice things about me but I feel like crap this morning. I started my day yesterday with the intention of eating healthy and I ate about 30 Quality Street chocolates by the end of the day. I also gambled the day before yesterday. I am feeling overwhelmed with my life right now. I know I should change the things I can such as getting my place in order. Since my granddaughter moved in with her large dresser, night tables, and her personal possessions and clothing, vacuum, etc, my place is not the serene place it was. There’s stuff everywhere!! And with the cats not getting along it creates another stressor. Danny still doesn’t know if he has a job to go to. Our property not selling has taken a lot of choices away from me. I am gaining the weight back that I lost which is a huge confidence killer. Danny and I don’t get along and I don’t want to be forced to move back to the country because of finances. So now I have to figure out what I can do today to feel less overwhelmed. First thing I am going to do is throw out the rest of the tin of chocolates! Second thing is I’m going to apply for jobs in my field. I promised my daughter yesterday that I would look after my 2 granddaughters in March so that her and her husband could go on a holiday together. These cats hissing, growling, and screeching at each other is stressing me out. I don’t want to move back to the country and have to deal with Danny and his crazy family. Carole

[desdemona]

(((Liz))) I’m so proud of your daughter for one year clean, but she definitely has a wonderful role model!
What was good in my day so far is: starting on my laundry, eating a portioned healthy breakfast, remembering to take out salmon from the freezer for supper, and having a get organized mind set. The cats aren’t fighting at this moment, and Canada won gold in men’s hockey!!! Carole

[desdemona]

New cat Emma-Lou is not getting along with my 2 males. She bullies the one eyed cat as he won’t fight back. She is just a little witch and I hope that changes soon, as I have to close my bedroom door at night with 2 of my cats in bed with me, so I don’t wake up to a cat fight!! I’m trying to organize myself somewhat today as I feel my life has been on hold and not in my control for about 6 weeks now. Some of what I could have controlled, I didn’t. I have started portion controlling my food intake again today! I took out salmon from the freezer for supper tonight, instead of a frozen individual dinner, that I have come to rely on. I’m laundering my bedding today and have plans to organize my clothes, as I have stuff everywhere since my granddaughter moved into my small place. I need to control my life again. Danny doesn’t even know if he has a job to go back to as he and another guy got themselves into trouble. The other guy has been moved to another site, but that site refuses to have Danny there. And with the sale of our property seemingly not happening, my future in Edmonton seems uncertain. If Danny isn’t working, he won’t be able to continue supporting me. I need to start seriously looking for a job. I had a job interview but had to cancel it as I was in Winnipeg with my mother. Danny and I just don’t get along for more than a day or two. I don’t try hard as he had many opportunities when I still lived with him to treat me right. He squandered them so why should I even try now?? It’s just where I’m at. Carole

[desdemona]

(((Debbie))) It would be so nice if you shared some of your life with us at GT here, as I for one am always wondering what and how you’re doing. You’re missed here! Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Liz)))! You have done so well since your husband was diagnosed with cancer and his subsequent death. You have been a rock to your grandson and your daughters! You have managed to move on and sell your condo and purchase a new home closer to your mother. You have found peace and tranquility away from the city! You have days of sadness related to his death, and you are going to have that for some time still, as his death is recent. It hasn’t even been a year yet!!! By the way folks I saw a recent picture of Liz’s husband and he was very good-looking! I don’t know how I forgot to mention that for so long!!! Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((P)))! I read everything you post on your thread and other people’s threads, and I find that you are changing a lot, especially in the past few months. I think the biggest change for a female cg is when women start standing up for themselves and starts putting in boundaries with people that are toxic to them. I found some people didn’t like that I no longer felt responsible for their problems, and did nothing to help them out emotionally or financially. I saw this saying on facebook about stop swimming oceans for people that wouldn’t jump puddles for me. I HAD a lot of people in my life that wouldn’t jump puddles for me. With your mother boundaries are essential! Mother/daughter relationships seem to be the most complicated!!! Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Lorraine)))! That had to have been extremely stressful to have your daughter go through such a major surgery. I’m happy to hear she came through so well! It doesn’t matter how old our kids are, they always need their mother to acknowledge the owies. When my daughter had her first baby she called me “mommy,” like she used to do when she was a child. I’m so glad you’re back on GT amongst your friends here. You deserve support of every kind we can give you. You were always someone very special to me. Carole

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