[DDHELP]

Thanks twilight and velvet…our Mom my not have all the traits of a CG as she still has friends , hobbies and leads a full life, That is the Mom I know..the Mom we don’t know (but we do) has lead this secret life of gambling . She minimizes her time at the casino when we all know how much damage you can do in 1 hour there. She bounces, borrows pad day loans etc. we were all taken back by how much we hurt her when we sent the letter . She read things into that letter that never existed from our point of view, similar to your story…I do not have expectations about her recovery as she has not fully come to terms about her addiction. We are concentrating on getting her bills paid and keeping a roof over her head. My mother is one of the strongest people I know but to a fault. She can’t open up and talk about any of this. We all let her be through the years because she did have a full life but now that we reflect we should have been more involved . ..but when asked she would always she she was fine but what she was really saying was the total opposite and we missed it.. I no longer live in the same state so this has fallen mainly on my sister which makes me feel badly. Mom is too proud and we would never get any other family or friends involved in her recovery.
That decision needs to be hers alone. My siblings and I will support her as best we can and try to see she remains accountable to what is best for her regardless how much she lets the beast show,,,that is not our Mom. Never thought how true the saying “one day at a time” is. Posting has made me feel so much better with our plans and I am going to suggest my sister post here when she returns from vacation also. It is amazing to me that people like you take the time to do this for others….you rock!

[DDHELP]

Thanks for answering Velvet….
Recently my sister and I decided that since she is never willing to talk that we would write her a letter, We were offering our help.
There were financial ultimatums contained in the letter and she complied with all our requests for credit card , passwords etc.
What we did not see coming was the other person who has taken our mother (yes I have read the “beast ” from your posts). She got very upset at the letter and said we broke her heart and made her feel incompetent and worthless. She lashed out and said we(brother and sister and myself ) were the last people she would ever come to for help. She said some hurtful things but we did see this as the addition talking and not really her. Her world is a facade and she now believes the lies. She has calmed a bit but if we bring up the CG I know what is going to happen. Should we not push until she is ready to really commit? My siblings and I are united and will not give her any money. Yes I think she would lose the house if we did not take over her finances. The only place she would have to go is either with me or my sister.
When we talk as long as the word gambling is not mentioned it is like nothing is wrong and we have a normal conversation.
I told her I bought some books on women and gambling addition and had them sent to her…she did not lash out but got quiet.
BTW this all got started when my Dad died 27 years ago.
We are not ashamed of her addiction and have told her that but she is very embarrassed we can tell. My mother is a very intelligent, warm ,giving person, who has been hiding her true feelings for years. This addiction has not had financial implications for us siblings…she has just gambled any money she could get her hands on away and there is nothing left.
Do we poke the beast? Do we just have superficial conversations that do not address the problem?
We are all grown and can’t believe that she is suffering with this at this stage in her life….we want our mother back and we want her to be at peace and lose the beast that controls her world. We need to face that this may never happen and it is heart wrenching.
Thanks for listening…..

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