[dcor]

Been away for a while, dropping back in I guess. Have been lurking the posts but didn’t reply to anything.

Things have gone up and down a lot since I last updated. I don’t know where things stand now, or where they may be going. We’ve had decent days, and days where we haven’t spoken more than required for the kids. Everything in between.

I vary the way I go home, just for a change of pace. A couple of them pass the shops where she used to spend so much time. I drive past, and don’t see her car, and that eases a little tension inside. Except for the one day I saw her car in the lot. I stopped, and walked in, and she was sitting at one of the machines, so there was no question this time. I just said we had things to talk about, and she needed to think about it, and left.

I hadn’t passed those places every day, but it was off and on, but hadn’t seen her car there. So I’d like to believe she hasn’t been going. For the most part, the financial end seems to have leveled out. I have managed to get caught up on everything I was paying, and have gotten numerous paid off, so that’s a plus. On the other hand, I can’t ask questions about much of anything without it blowing up in my face. Almost anything seems to cause tension. So, $ is about the only way we seem to be making progress, and that’s been slow and a lot of work.
Most days it feels like I’m not welcome in the house, and that’s made things even tougher with the kids.

She finally did admit that she’d had a problem, but to the best of my knowledge, never talked to anyone, joined any groups, etc. Said it’s all under control and she’s not going any more. I know she isn’t going like she was before, cause we’d have been sunk by now. I don’t know that she hasn’t gone at all, and that makes me feel like a total jerk that I can’t trust that.
I want to get past that, but I don’t know how.

[dcor]

Well, here we go again. Not sure where to start with what… From everything before, I had taken over the majority of the house bills. Talked to her about having her paycheck go into my accnt, except for her weekly amount (exact opposite of how it was before, when she was paying the bills) and she was having none of that.
At this point, there are a few bills that she pays from her paycheck, and I cover the rest. As such, I no longer have access to her account, to check for suspicious withdraws or charges, etc. She refuses to do that, to prove to me that she isn’t gambling anymore.
For a few months, things seemed good, and I didn’t think she was going to those gambling shops. Now, I’m getting nervous again. I’ve tried to trust her, when she says she isn’t going, but it’s tough, especially since she won’t show me transaction history with no withdraws at those places and their in-house atms.

I found a receipt last night, for one of them, dated last week. So I know she has been through their atm at least once again. I’m sure that’s not the only time, but have no proof. She refuses to add me to her new account, because “That’s my account, you’re just trying to be controlling and tell me where my money goes”
If she’s going down that road again (or still… I never received any proof she actually stopped…. other than her saying that she did… but that’s exactly what she said before, when I DID have proof she was going)…

At a complete and total loss at this point. Betrayed. Insulted. The bills are being covered, but it’s tough. This week has been tight. No lunch to save money, 15$ to last till payday 4 days away. I don’t want to have everything fall apart, but I’m at a loss of what else I can do. If she is still gambling, that money would make all the difference at this point. That’s just looking at monthly bills. Not even counting anything getting saved for the future, just living paycheck to paycheck.

Is divorce my only option? Our son is early 20’s, but still living in the house. Daughter is 16, and can’t stand me most days. If I go that route, she’ll want to stay with her mom. How can I do that when I don’t know if she’ll be able to keep a roof over their heads, or food on the table? If we have to sell the house, I can’t keep it if they moved out, figuring there would be child support and alimony involved. She can’t keep it if I moved out. Where does she and the kids go to? I don’t want to make the fragile relationship with my daughter worse, but what she would probably see as me throwing her, her brother, and her mom out the door.

But the stress of possibly losing everything if she goes off the deep end gambling again is starting to give me health issues.

Is there any way I can get access legally to her account, to see if she is / is not gambling again? Is there any legal way I could track her car (it is registered and purchased in my name, not hers, so I would be tracking my own car)

If your experience, with what she may / may not be doing, would any type of marriage counseling work? She has refused to call, talk, email, anything… with anyone, about what she sees isn’t a problem.

[dcor]

Thanks for the response Jenny… I’m trying to keep it together, have to see how it goes.

Thus far, to the best of my knowledge, she hasn’t gone back there, but, I haven’t been trying to find out, or keep tabs on her. That would do me no good at this point, just stress me out more. So far as I know, she hasn’t sought any help anywhere, no groups, nada. I know I can’t force that, so I just have to let it go. She knows what I think, the next steps have to be hers.

I have my hands full now, trying to get the bills pulled back together. She isn’t on any of my accounts at this time, and I never have cash in my wallet, so no concerns there. As far as responsibility for the debts, I haven’t made it to talk to anyone yet. We have monster deadlines at work, so I’ve been doing 10-14 hour days. Have to work to pay what I can, then schedule after that to see what I can manage.

As far as, have I seen any difference in the way she acts…. yes, but nothing I would consider positive. As I said, she hasn’t worn the ring in days, and isn’t outright rude to me most of the time, but there have been days where, unless it was something concerning the kids and school, cars, etc, she’s said less than a half dozen words to me.

As for where the money has gone, I know it’s gone, trying not to dwell on it, but it’s tough. But, I know there’s nothing I can do to get it back, so grit my teeth, and onward.

As you said, not much more I can do at this time, without it being a more drastic, likely permanent decision. If it gets to the point she feels she’s leaving, she won’t come back later. She’s too stubborn to do that. I’m not at that point yet, but I can see where it might be my only viable option. We’ve been together almost 20 years, and divorce isn’t really the route that I want to go.

Sorry for the bouncy responses… just typing per my train of thought. Thank you again.

[dcor]

Sorry if I’m missing things, using a comp with a really small screen, so cutting it a little short today… will try and provide a fuller response later.

Velvet, thank you (and all the others as well!!) for your time. No, I don’t have concrete proof that she is gambling… but I do have dates and times, where she has withdrawn money from an ATM. The address that shows up on the bank statement isn’t where it is located, so I asked our bank. They got in touch with their technical folks, and that ATM is registered to one of the gambling shops around here (Is that legal that the address is wrong? I asked the business for the address that shows up, and they say they have no association with the gambling shop)

Anyhow, the ATM times show up, sometimes 15 minutes apart, for anywhere from 40 to 300 dollars, sometimes 3 within 20 minutes, for totals that sometimes top 600$ a day. Sometimes, her account was negative before the first withdrawl, and that just drags it further under. Sometimes it’s a couple weeks in between, sometimes, it’s 8 days in a row, every single day, with 3 or more every day. The only way I can interpret that is, gambling, or sitting there with people who are, and loaning them money. In either case, it’s come close to costing us everything.

Last year, I received some money from a relative that passed away, and we had to use all of it (over 5K) to get caught up on bills. I was hoping to use that for something specific, but no way at that time. We paid the bills with it, and got everything almost current…. THEN, over the next 3 months, at that single ATM, there were over 4000$ in withdrawls again, and we’re almost back where we started, and that money from my aunt basically got flushed. I don’t want to say that the money was that big a deal in and of itself, but it is. My aunt that passed wouldn’t be happy that it got run away like that, and that tears me up more than losing the money itself. (I was hoping to have eye surgery with it, to get rid of my glasses, and my aunt would have definitely preferred that instead)

We got into it pretty bad last week, she said she was going out with friends, and I asked about her account (she opened a new one, I don’t have access to). She says she isn’t going gambling, and that I can trust her when she tells me that. I said I want to trust her, but that that’s exactly what she told me before, how do I know this time is different? Show me the bank account, so I can see that there aren’t ATM pulls at the gambling shop… she says… “I’m not playing that game. I told you I’m telling the truth, that should be enough”

I want it to be, but it isn’t. I’m trying to get a handle on the bills, but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get things caught up, and keep them paid. Our son’s car just had some issues, so he wants to replace it, but just started a job, and needs a cosigner. I’m scared to do that, when I don’t even know if I can pay the bills we already have, but I don’t want to hang him out without a car.

On top of all of that, my wife’s (I guess I can still use that term, legally….) wedding ring has been sitting on the dresser for days.

That hurts a lot, but at the same time, I’m wondering if that isn’t such a horrible thing…. and that hurts even more thinking like that.

[dcor]

Sorry for coming here to complain, but thus far, there really hasn’t been anyone else that I can talk to.

We just got into it again… It’s my fault that I can’t trust her. She says she’s been doing everything that she can, everything that I’ve been asking for. She’s opened a checking account at another bank, and said something about me not trusting her. I said that I’d been lied to for years, I can’t take “But I’m telling you the truth” as honest anymore. Tell me, but then prove it to me. Let me see that you’re not pulling and overdrawing the new account too….

No. I won’t do that, I shouldn’t have to. I’ve done everything you asked, you should trust me now….

I’ve tried not to keep tabs on her, or keep asking her where she’s been, etc. I don’t even know what her work schedule is at this point, so I don’t know if she’s at work, gambling, or on the side of the road with 2 flat tires. But me not being able to take her at her word is apparently more than she’s willing to accept right now….

[dcor]

First and most, Thank you all so much for the replies. I know it’s only text on a screen, but it’s helped a lot. What’s behind screen makes a big difference. Definitely not a fun situation, but a lot better than trying to do this on my own.

I’ve tried talking to her about this multiple times since my last post, and she still says there’s nothing there to know, even with printed bank statements, etc. That caused no little hiccup, apparently I don’t trust her, so I had to go behind her back to do all this snooping, THAT’s why she can’t talk to me about anything… because all I will do is harp and snoop and not trust her. I know it’s all trying to justify her actions, etc, but doesn’t make it any easier to sit through.

Jumping back to the info above, yes, I’m probably going to be getting credit reports this week, for both of us, just to see what’s what. I don’t honestly know if we can cover the bills just on my check or not. Some things are current, some are past due, so I have no idea what the monthly payments on some are. One, I got the info, and it’s 600 due now, but the monthly, once caught up, will be about 50. So, going to take a bit before I have a handle on a lot of it. Some, we don’t get paper bills for, and I don’t think they’ll talk to me. She may or may not get me the info. Some times, seems like she wants to help, others, seems like she wants me to crash and burn so she can blame me for something else, say I made it worse. I don’t really know.

I’ve tried to have the calm discussion, but she always gets nasty, and defensive, and lashes back. Makes it very tough to have a talk about it. Looking at the hard numbers, it’s been about 10 grand in atm withdrawls the last 4 months, and the one place I know she goes. We don’t make that much. That’s not counting overdraft fees, atm fees, bounced check fees, etc. Even showing her the hard numbers, she still says I’m wrong because there isn’t enough there to do that much. Any savings we had are gone, and, as I said, I have no idea what it will take to cover monthly bills. I know I can cover the house, electric, heat, etc. All the credit cards beyond that, I don’t know.

Should I make sure all mine get covered, then do what I can with hers? I’m not listed on them, but it is a state where I believe I can still be held accountable for hers.

I have access to the checking account that she had been using, but I believe that she just opened another one, at a different bank, that I am not listed on, so I won’t be able to see if she’s still doing it from there.

I thought about going into that little shop, and asking if they could ban her, but I know she says she is friends with the people who run it, and if I went that route, that would probably make her mad enough that would be the end of our marriage, regardless of if they would do it or not. Plus, there are multiple little gambling shops like that around here.

Making small steps, but hopefully still steps in the right direction.

[dcor]

I appreciate the responses, and am still trying to get my mind around all this. Things have definitely been rocky since I told her I was changing the deposit and taking over the bills. I checked, and from what I can find, am located in an “Equitable distribution state”

So, sounds like if she racks up a lot of debt, I’ll be on the hook if she leaves…

I guess my biggest immediate concern is getting a handle on the bills to stop things from getting worse. BUT, she still says she isn’t gambling, and is not open to depositing her paycheck into my account. So, there is that income that I can’t put toward bills, but she can do what she’s doing. Any ideas on how to approach that, when she still denies everything?

How can I NOT enable, when she still has all her credit cards (that I am NOT listed on, so can’t call and get limits lowered, or cancelled?) and if she defaults on those, I am still responsible for? I don’t want to pay them, and have her do a cash advance and run it back up?

Sorry if my tone is abrasive, I mean no insult to anyone, it’s been a long couple days, and I’m stretched awful thin. It means a lot that I can at least get this out there, I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone else here, since I don’t know for certain what has been going on, no concrete proof other than the long list of fees and withdraws.

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