[Dark Energy]

thanks, Kin for your support,
I read your post about the Pink Cloud syndrome it was informative this is the first time I hear about it and it makes sense.

[Dark Energy]

hi Aftertherain,
thanks for your kind words and support.
you are right about we will always be vulnerable. this is who I am “an addict” and I have to live with it. it is not the end of the world it can be managed. and you and others in this forum are proof that we can live with it and live a happy life but as you said we will always need to be vigilant.
congrats on your 1st year, keep this mindset and your gambling-free years will continue to add up.

today is DAY#3,
I have managed to do some tasks at work, not a good productive day but at least I got few things done. yesterday I have tried to avoid using sleeping pills but unfortunately, I couldn’t sleep so I took one pill instead of two I have reduced the dos and it works. I don’t need to get used to it.

I am a bit better today, I know what’s needs to be done just I have to do it this time literally without any exceptions.

[Dark Energy]

Day#2,
depressed as *****…I managed to go to work today, yesterday I couldn’t. anyhow I sat there on my desk and I did literally nothing all day.
I couldn’t do the simplest of the tasks, all my demons are popping up on my mind.

I am feeling very sad very depressed, tired & ashamed not only of what I have done, but it is more from what I become. I have lost money? f**** it, I will work hard and get money, I have debts? no issue eventually I will pay it all… but the realization that I am and I will always be a f***** money-burning machine is s tough.
I am in my mid-thirties and I didn’t get married yet I didn’t build a family yet, I have a job, yes but I could have been in a much better job…etc and everything is about the money you need to get married you need money, you need a better job you should have an emergency fund before taking the risk and change your job …..everything is about money and I am a f***** money burning machine.
all my demons are popping up, for the last two days I couldn’t sleep without sleeping pills. and I have to keep listening to something until I sleep, if I didn’t my thoughts will keep me awake.
I have this feeling that I didn’t have for a long time. the last time I remember that I have cried is 20+ years ago, now I have this feeling that I need to cry but I couldn’t, the tears are right there but they are not dropping out of my aye .probably this is the lowest moment in my life, but someone wrote in this forum.

when I hit the last rock-bottom I didn’t know that this addiction can take me farther to a new rock bottom

thank you sunny, Jordj, and all for your support I hope you are doing well in your recovery

[Dark Energy]

hi Jordj,
I am on my 1st Day of recovery and I really don’t need to enter an argument about GOD, the existence, and the meaning of life on my first day.
from your writing, it seems Jordan Peterson had an impact on you,
it doesn’t matter how many connections you have or what impact you had on others it is just a distraction that keeps you moving on in life.
again I quote Woody Allen:
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”

You wrote
“I also don’t believe in God or an afterlife for that matter. What I do believe is that is better to act as if a god exists.”
No, it is not, what is important is the truth either he exists or not, no need to create an imaginary superpower that intervenes in your favor or against it, no need to wait for the solutions from above. we are on our own.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Joerdj,
You wondered why life is meaningless. What is the meaning of popping up into existence just for the one to live “suffer” for few years and then vanish forever!!! it is meaningless.
I am an atheist so no heaven or hell no after life, sometimes I think of how wonderful this life is, yes I can try to find some meaning that can keep things rolling to the end, but deep down it is meaningless. I like what Woody Allen said about that:
“I have tried religion I have tried philosophy but in the end what we got is a bad deal and all you can do about it is to distract yourself…the distraction could be work, family …etc”
Finally, I will find a distraction and keep things moving.

Hi charles,
Thanks for your support, what really hearts me this time is I back to square zero again, I am not the same person who started this recovery journey 4 years ago, for instance, I am four years older now, I have relapsed many times. And I am deep in debt again. I have to struggle for another 3 years to start living a normal life again. and then what? another relapse!!!
These suicidal thoughts were just temporary and I get rid of them.
it is a painful situation. I can find some hope but deep down I am frightened from another relapse.

Hi Sunny,
It was a down moment, a hangover from the relapse, what matters now is to prevent it from happening again.
I started the usual steps again cutting cards, closing accounts..etc I will see how I can do it differently this time because as you can tell it is not going well so far.

Hi Kin,
You asked ”
have you listen to the advice and do all the things possible that will stop you or cut you off from gambling totally?:
My answer is I did it partially but it seems it is not working, what is hard for me is to inform a family member or a friend about my addiction. I know it is a big part of recovery but for me, it is very hard to do so.

[Dark Energy]

I am feeling like Sisyphus, I am pushing that rock up a hill only for it to roll down every time it neared the top but at least I have a way out.
I have no hopes this time, it is a hard and meaningless life without this addiction and the addiction makes it worst.
I don’t like to write any suicidal thoughts here but this time I have them. every time I have these thoughts I remember a part of Darwish’s poem and I think I am translating it badly :
“And I so cherish life
Because if I died
My mother’s tears would shame me.”
I am feeling I am ready to go but I can’t do it because I am ashamed of the feeling of those who love me.

[Dark Energy]

I am done. I can’t find the way out, I have relapsed again, and again I have start day#0 in a worse condition than the previous day#0
damn, I hate my self I wish if I have the courage to do it… I have almost recovered from the gambling debt a year and a half ago, and now I am piling it again… I have lost in few days what was equal to 3 months’ salary. it is a new rock bottom in a bottomless addiction. it is a repeated cycle and I can’t find the way out.

[Dark Energy]

Day#6,
no gambling urges, but there are urges to invest. I know if the investment is under my control eventually it will lead to relapse (day trading with leverage) so it is eighter to invest and give the control on this investment to a family member or to not invest at all. I will not do the same mistake again.

On the other hand, today was a good day at work I was focused and productive “I have a lot of things to do to cover what I have messed with because of gambling”,

also, I have start dieting again, I gained a lot of weight during these relapses. and planning to start gym from tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

in general, the recovery looks fine, with small progressive steps every day. I hope it will accumulate to good progress by the end of the 1st 100 days.

[Dark Energy]

Day#5,
I have nothing to say today, just a normal day free of gambling.

[Dark Energy]

I am in, I will create a new account in chess.com under this email darkenergy0138@gmail.com you can add me.

[Dark Energy]

Olen mukana, luon uuden tilin chess.comissa tämän sähköpostin alla darkenergy0138@gmail.com voit lisätä minut.

[Dark Energy]

Day#4,
I am getting better, resisted the temptations twice today. they say “for a man with a hammer everything looks like a nail”. to the irony, it seems for all the problems in my life my brain is giving me the same solution “gambling”.

for the first 3 days, the problem was I need to recover my losses and my brain solution was ” to gamble”. so I was tempted to gamble but I resisted the temptations.
today I have another problem, I am not feeling well today, so I am not leaving the home. ..so what to do with this free time at home?? again my brain gives me the bad answer “what about gambling”, I resisted it today as well.

it is a tough addiction,

hope you all the best in your recovery.

[Dark Energy]

hi G Rec and Jaymay
I am addicted as well to play chess online … it seems there is a link between it and gambling addiction…

[Dark Energy]

Hei G Rec ja Jaymay Olen myös koukussa pelaamaan shakkia verkossa … näyttää siltä, että sen ja rahapeliriippuvuuden välillä on yhteys …

[Dark Energy]

Hi Joerdj,
actually, I read it long back, it is a very long novel. but is a must-read one. enjoy it.

[Author]

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