[Dark Energy]

Day#37,
this day is one of those days where you remember where the fuck you are in this life, then you start to review all your steps to see which one went wrong, which step led you to where you are now, this day is one of those days where I remember that oh damn I have done a lot of wrong steps in every aspect of my life. and the time is running out.
I need just to sleep and wake up fresh the next day and work toward my goals which start to become less and less as time passes.

anyhow no urges to gambling but I am feeling down.

[Dark Energy]

Dan#37, ovaj dan je jedan od onih dana kada se sjetite gdje ste, jebote, u ovom životu, a zatim počnete pregledavati sve svoje korake da vidite koji je pogriješio, koji vas je korak doveo do mjesta gdje ste sada, ovaj dan jedan je od onih dana u kojima se sjećam da sam, dovraga, napravio mnogo pogrešnih koraka u svakom aspektu svog života. a vrijeme ističe. Trebam samo zaspati i probuditi se sljedeći dan svjež i raditi na ostvarenju svojih ciljeva koji s vremenom postaju sve manji. u svakom slučaju nema nagona za kockanjem, ali osjećam se razočarano.

[Dark Energy]

37. Gün, bu gün, bu hayatın neresinde olduğunu hatırladığın günlerden biri, sonra hangi adımın yanlış gittiğini, hangi adımın seni şimdi olduğun yere götürdüğünü görmek için tüm adımlarını gözden geçirmeye başladığın günlerden biri, bu gün Hayatımın her alanında bir sürü yanlış adım attığımı hatırladığım günlerden biri. ve zaman tükeniyor. Sadece uyumam ve ertesi gün zinde uyanmam ve zaman geçtikçe azalmaya başlayan hedeflerim için çalışmam gerekiyor. her nasılsa kumar oynama dürtüsü yok ama kendimi kötü hissediyorum.

[Dark Energy]

thanks Charles for your support, yes I am paying a reasonable amount, but the 14 months is to reach a +ve net worth (i.e. what I have is more than what I owe).

Day#36,
I feel very vulnerable to life, somehow I am managing to smile but really deep down a lot of pain and regrets, today I met a friend who has been terminated from his job a few months ago and he still searching for a job, the market is tough at this time after covid, maybe in some countries, you can depend on government support for a while until you get a new job but here as expats we are on our own, I really felt sad about him and worried about my self, who knows what will happen in future, who knows what surprises this life is hiding, but I know as of now I am so vulnerable and I am not ready to any bad surprises. and this worries me.

[Dark Energy]

day#35,
one day at a time

[Dark Energy]

Day#34,

[Dark Energy]

I had this bad hour of thinking about my debts, I distract myself by going to the gym, I didn’t have such depressing thoughts for few days I guess a week or more, I get panicked from the thought I need 14 or 15 months to close my debts, such long term goals is really depressing I need to keep it simple 1 day or 1 week and maximum one-month goal. beyond that I guess will not work for me.
a small progressive improvement.

[Dark Energy]

thanks Markwi27,

Day#33,
nothing really to add, just a normal day without gambling, no urges, no cravings,
that’s it for today.
one day at a time.

[Dark Energy]

thanks kin for your support,

today is the 32nd day, I am having a lot of pressure at work and this will continue for the next 2 weeks, I am handling it in a good way so far, I can’t imagine how my situation would be if I had such pressure in the middle of a relapse.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

hi Romana,
Thanks for your support and the encouraging words.
I have been struggling with addiction for 6 or 7 years, with a lot of ups and downs, but I think now I matured mentally enough to win the war.

the first 2 years I thought I was trading forex, I never thought that this activity shares the same emotion and behavior patterns that hooked the gamblers to gambling.
I got hooked, I didn’t know for 2 years that I am gambling, I thought it was just a financial issue, it is a market and you can expect to win some time and to lose sometime, just now my looser is more and I just need additional money to trade again and I will win, this was the thought pattern that I had..

after that, I felt that something is wrong here, so I sent an email to an online therapy site, few days the answer came that I have a compulsive gambling issue. a what ?? compulsive gambling??? up to that moment I never thought that I have a gambling addiction. I never gambled in my life I grew up in a religious community so there are no casinos, and no way to gamble, and I grew up knowing gambling is wrong and I should not gamble, even now the casino games or sports betting or any other kind of gambling is not appealing to me because I know deep down it is wrong. so I never tried it and I will never do.
but if you come to activities like stoke, forex, or crypto trading that has this big cover “trading”, the things move from black or white to a huge grayscale where the same activity can be trading under certain conditions and can be gambling under other conditions.
now I am avoiding even the normal activities like investing because it has the risk to triggers my addiction like what happened in the last few months.

now back to you Romana, for someone like me, who sees the amount of suffering and struggles and uncertainty that this addiction brings to his life, and see someone so kind like you is about to bring this demon “addiction” to his life, my first thought was I hope she walks away, I hope she Runaway, she doesn’t have to bring all this suffering to her life.

I can see you have done the right things.

I hope you all the best in your life, life is hard enough without addiction, and no need to bring more suffering to it.

and yes today is Day#31 and the count will continue this time.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

Day#30, one month is over,
it has been a long time since I reach the one-month mark. I should celebrate this small win, I am still at the beginning I need to cross the 3 months, 6 months, and the 1-year mark.
after the 3 months, the probability of relapse will be low around 30%
at the 6 months mark, I will cross the longest abstinence period that I have achieved 2 years back.
at the 1 year mark, my financial condition will be much better starting from the 6th month so if I managed it correctly from the 6 months to the 1-year mark I can say I will be in the maintenance stage. at that time.

[Dark Energy]

content pour toi Romana, je vois que tu gères très bien la situation.

[Dark Energy]

senin adına sevindim Romana, durumu çok iyi idare ettiğini görebiliyorum.

[Dark Energy]

당신을 위해 행복 Romana, 나는 당신이 상황을 아주 잘 처리하는 것을 볼 수 있습니다.

[Dark Energy]

content pour toi Romana, je vois que tu gères très bien la situation.

[Author]

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