[Dark Energy]

thanks Don, Today I am on Day#8. the good thing is I have had a lot of pressure at work during the last few days and this will continue for another two to 3 months. my mind is totally occupied with work and this really helps to keep the gambling thoughts away.

[Dark Energy]

Day#5 the recovery days are adding up fastly.

[Dark Energy]

thanks Kin,Don and Raisingphoenix.

Raisingphoenix, I am learning how I can protect my money from myself, it is a work in progress, with costly lessons to learn with each relapse.
I believe learning how to do it correctly is the only thing that can make a difference. this will decide whether I will keep relapsing or I will live a normal life or I will live a prosperous life.
because frankly my brain is damaged, and the control circuits in my brain are completely unreliable. Even if I stayed 10 years free of gambling I will be always afraid of slips, 100$ slip could cause me to lose 10 years of savings and it will put me in debt…
so I am at peace with the idea that I should never keep easy access to money, I am experimenting with different methods to do so, each one of us has different circumstances, and each one of us should find the way that works for him to keep his money protected from him.

it is so funny and sad at the same time to use such a sentence “protecting my money from myself” I never thought that my brain will be fucked up to a degree that I am afraid of
having access to my own money.

Kin,
it seems we relapsed at the same time, so I hope we can both celebrate a one-year free of gambling after “361 days” from now.
wish you all the best, stay strong, and you know the saying “relapse is part of recovery”, I hate that sentence but it is true…

Don,
I hope that I will have success stories to tell in the future, but I will be honest with you, I wish my life story is better, a story where I have turned my life around and live a great life after a period of addiction…, but so far my story looks like a bad tragedic movie. given my past records if I need to predict what will happen in the future, I will bet that this is not my last relapse.
all that I can do is delay it, and protect my money from it once it happened so it will not cause a lot of damage. I am brutally honest with myself. I have relapsed 100 times, and I have read all that I can read about this addiction I know my disease inside out, and tried to overcome it many times.. but it seems in my case all that I can do is live with it. like a diabetic lives with his disease, I need to live with mine. and this is not a new thing that I came up with now. I knew this for years, but I am still learning “in the hard way” how to live with this mental disease.

[Dark Energy]

hi Don,
thanks for your support, you mentioned that you are afraid of withdrawal symptoms. you relay shouldn’t be afraid of that, from someone who relapsed and started over maybe 100 times, and passed through the withdrawal symptoms 100 times, really there is nothing to be afraid of. it will really get easier from the 4th day and by the 20th day, most of the withdrawal symptoms will be gone.
what I am afraid of and what you should be afraid of is to keep relapsing, to keep losing money to this addiction, and to destroy everything you build each time you relapse, this is what I am afraid of.
wish you all the best in your recovery.

[Dark Energy]

I have to admit it, it is Day#1 again!!!!!!
after being gambling-free for 291 Days I am back at Day#1. I didn’t cause a lot of damage this time, but it is a relapse and I have to start the count again.

I am really fed up with these endless relapses, each time I am going through the same cycle. few days of total depression then another few days of getting myself together to be able to start doing the smallest tasks, then 3 to 4 weeks to back to be a functioning human being, after that it is just a matter of time to start over again. this time I had a long run, I had more than 9 months, and I have improved personally and financially this relapse didn’t destroy everything I did over the 9 months, but it is a relapse and the cycle started again, currently I am still in the depression phase I hope this will pass soon since it is the hardest part of the cycle.

I am really wondering what is next, it is very hard to live such a life. I am already behind in life and with a ton of debt, 10 years of delayed personal and professional growth, and each time I barely start to improve I relapse and start from zero again… I don’t know what is wrong with me….

it is really hard to start over but I have no choice but to do so. I have to roll the rock uphill again like Sisyphos.

I always thought in Greek mythology the punishment of Prometheus (having his immortal liver eaten by an eagle every day) is the hardest one. but now I think the punishment of Sisyphos is the hardest because of this cycle of hope and losing hope and starting over again.

each time I start over with the hope that I will be able to do it this time, then before I reach the top.. I relapse again and lose hope, and there is nothing to do but to get myself together again and grow the hope inside me again and start over. it is so hard. This is not an ancient myth it is my fuckin life…..

[Dark Energy]

Hi Craig,
I am not using gamban, I am using a normal web blocker, try Coldturkey, but here you have to add the sites that you gamble on manually. I think it will work on chrome book because they have Chrome Extention.

[Dark Energy]

hi Don,
excluding yourself is a good step congratulation on doing it.
regarding checking your bank account to see how much you lost, I have done it both ways, some times, especially in the first years I kept a record of what I lost but it always had a negative impact on me it kept me attached to what I lost, it kept me trying different ways to win what I lost back. and kept me gambling.
in recent years I am keeping a record for what is my net worth (what I have – what I owe) and I am updating it monthly “Currently I am still in Negative, I need one and half years to be in positive”, by doing this I focus on what I have now and planning the future regardless of what I have lost is the past, this keeps me in a positive mindset.

Finally, it is up to you, I can make a good case for each option but you need to pick what helps your recovery.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
there is no way to control it, I have done every possible trick to control my trading addiction, I have tried to control the amount that I put for trading, and I have tried to use a program to place the trades for me so I will not interfere, I have tried to use a friend to give me access just to place one trade per day….and many other ways.. but nothing worked, all the methods that I used to control my trading addiction didn’t work. simply because I am an addict and I can’t control myself after placing the first bet or trade,

all these trials delayed my recovery, but I had to go through them all before I surrender to the fact that I can’t do it at all.

Don, you need to admit that, and then you need to find your way out of this addiction.

there is nothing to lose if you stopped gambling, if you are doing it for fun there is a million way to have fun, if you are doing it for money there is a million way to make money,

[Dark Energy]

Hi Marc,
congratulations on your 96th Day, keep it up.

[Dark Energy]

I can see you are on track again, well done Risingphoenix, you didn’t let a small relapse ruin all that you have rebuilt.
keep it up and enjoy a life free of gambling.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Kin,
thanks for checking on me, everything is fine still gambling-free, this time looks like I got it right. I hope you are doing well in your recovery.

Hi Gustav,
thanks my friend for your kind words, I am not posting regularly like before, just sometimes visiting the site to re-read what I wrote and to recharge, remembering all the pain that I felt after each relapse gives me the power to not slip again.

honestly, I stopped counting long ago, but as I can see from my records here today is my 271 days free of gambling, I am in much better shape physically and mentally, and financially.

some times I think how silly I was to fall for this addiction, some times I got mad at myself for why I didn’t kick this addiction earlier, why it took me all these years to be able to win the fight against this addiction.

but it seems we have to grow up mentally and learn from all the relapses and all the struggles to then be able to win this fight, some will do it before others but we all can do it.

I hope you are doing well Gustav, stay in touch, what we are addicted to has a lot in common with normal gambling but it has the cover of trading and investing, and that’s what makes it harder to overcome.

wish you all the best
DE

[Dark Energy]

Hi JVR,
this is life we will have some happy days and some sad days, stay strong and all will be ok.

just a small question, I am not a native English speaker and I am seeing you many times writing “no” instead of “know”. I thought it could be a typing error but you repeated it a lot so I am wondering if is this a common way to write it in the area where you are living.

[Dark Energy]

hi Risingphoenix,
sorry to hear that, but you should be proud of yourself, you have done 500+ days free of gambling, the reality is a gambling addiction is like driving a bicycle once you learn it you will never forget it.
this thought used to depress me but now I reached peace with this fact and I am managing my life based on that.

you have done 500+ days before just do what you have done before to reach this number and you will be ok. don’t let this slip pulls you down to a new rock bottom.

the risk of relapse in the first 3 months will be high so take more than the normal measures during this period,
3 years ago I reached 6 months free of gambling and then I eased my guards then I slipped once and it lead me to two years of hell ( 20+ relapses in two years and a new records breaking rock-bottom)

be very careful at this stage. it is just a small relapse regardless of whether it is 6 months of saving or if it is just 100$, the main thing is don’t let this relapse leads you to a series of relapse.

500+ days are still 500+ days you have achieved it and you should be very proud of yourself.

wish you all the best my friend.

[Dark Energy]

congratulations JVR.
I once watched an interview for Dr. Anna Lembke ( the author of Dopamin nation), I remember her saying that addicts are her heroes. because of all the struggles that they go through and they are always fighting back to recover..etc

I liked what she said and I totally agree with her, the self-struggle that we experienced is the maximum test that can one’s have.

you have passed this test twice so congratulations.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

thank you JVR, wish you all the best.
we deserve it after all this struggle, I once heard one guy in a GA meeting say that being addicted was the best thing that happened to him, he said addiction exposed all his flaws and he faced them to recover and grow up mentally and emotionally and he now knows himself better ..etc.

well, I can relate to that, I have learned a lot about myself and I grow up mentally and emotionally but I can’t say it is the best thing that happened to me.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Dark Energy.

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