[Dark Energy]

wewin, it is sad to read about all these relapses within this short period, and really there is nothing I can add, you had really good advice from the members, but I may suggest if you can think loudly with us here and type a plan, you are in this situation where you are relapsing every 2 or 3 days, what is your plan, what blocks you are going to apply, how you are going to stop this. writing it down will clear the fog, but just saying I will stop and keeping everything vague is not helpful.
you need to plan from now on how you will stop this addiction and please keep the willpower out of the plan because it will let you down at the first test.
I hope you all the best.

[Dark Energy]

Day#10
2 digits again ” is a typical comment that I wrote many times, anyhow I hope this time will be just a step on the road to the 3 digits, I didn’t reach 3 digit number for 2 years.

@ Valvet,
thanks for your support and post, what you wrote about you and your son is inspiring, I wish you both all the best.
and to be honest with you, informing my family was always in the back of my head, but I was planning to tell them after sorting out this issue and after recovering financially, I always thought that ok I will save some money first and get my addiction under control and only then I will be in a good position to inform them so the pain and sadness that I will bring to them will be much less.
but that day never comes, I am realising I need their support now more than ever. having said that, still, I didn’t break it down to them yet, it is a really hard step to take, to be honest after this period of relapses and suffering that the gambling brought to me I grow a thick skin, the shame and loss of trust (on my side of the equation) is really secondary I can bear it, I have done what I have done and I deserve it, but the thought that by informing them I will bring all this pain and sadness to them is unbearable.
I know I have to do it but I need to do it slowly and wisely.

@ Maverick
thank you for the encouraging words, this is the only way that we have, we have to stand up and fight again, even if we are fighting something stronger than us, at least we have the courage to stand up and fight again, and the hope that we will finally win.
I hope all the best to you my friend, this is a tough addiction, but the stories of those who fight back and win this fight should encourage us to do the same. and there are many of those here in this forum, I can recall some members who really succeeded, you can read their posts here for example I-did-it or GRC and others as well. it is possible to do it. we should not stop trying.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

hi Charles,
thanks for your support and advice. I am planning to inform my family and I will do it just I am thinking about how to inform them.
as you said this will be a very important step in my recovery. I run out of options and this is the only way forward.

[Dark Energy]

Day#7,
1 week passed, and no progress about opening up to my family, still my productivity is low, and my motivation to do the smallest thing is low.
In a week I will receive some money I need to plan ahead on how to distribute it, it should not stay in my account for more than 2 days otherwise the temptations will start.

Overall I am not feeling that low, but I am not motivated, it took me 3 hrs today to convince myself to move from the bed and go to work, I have registered in the gym before the last relapse but I am not able to get my self to go to the gym.
My be I need one more week so my dopamine levels will back to an acceptable range.

[Dark Energy]

I have just added youtube to my web blocker software the software will block it for 4 hrs from the time I came back from work till 2 hrs before my sleeping time, this is for one week period, I hope I can be more productive and doing what I really have to do instead of setting on the couch and watching youtube for hours, and the time passes without doing what I have planned to do.
it seems I have many types of addictions to take care of.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Losingitslowly,
I will stop counting days as well. I think it is not that helpful to keep me reminded of how many days have passed since the last relapse. I have to focus on today and the days that will come.
happy mothers day to you and glad to see you are motivated and happy.

[Dark Energy]

hi JVR,
enjoyed reading your post, happy for you. keep it up you are doing really well.

[Dark Energy]

Day#6

[Dark Energy]

Day#5

[Dark Energy]

congrats on your 176 days, you are almost 6 months free of gambling. you have done it the right way by asking the family to handle the finances.
wish you all the best.

[Dark Energy]

hi JVR,
glad to hear that you have overcome the drug addiction early, I hope you will overcome this addiction as well.
I think it is something that should give you self-confidence that you have done it once in the past and you can do it again.

[Dark Energy]

Day#4,
back to work, productivity is still low, but at least I manage to do some tasks.
tomorrow I need to back to GYM, and after another week I am planning to start a strict diet.
no progress about the coming out to the family and friends.
that’s it for today.

[Dark Energy]

Hi JVR, thank you for the support, I hope so, if we keep trying I am sure we will do it right at some point.

I am still remembering a post I shared previously in the 2nd thread about a homeless drug addict in his 30s who recovered and now he is a millionaire and living a wonderful life.
below is the link, if you missed it, it is inspiring.
yes, it is drug addiction, not gambling but all are the same in case of self-destruction, and at least I am in a better situation than where he started.
I am sure there is a lot like him but I have stumbled upon this one.

[Dark Energy]

Hi, maybe I am not the right person to answer your question, I guess someone with a 1 year + could answer it better. but from all that I learned from this long journey in recovery, it is not about money. I get my debt paid and I piled it up again, and now if someone pays all your debt and gives you some extra you will back again to gambling, you\we need to fix the problem first, because of that this time I am not focusing on paying the debt I am focusing on how to handle money how to control it( either by my self or using a 3rd party) first then paying the debt. because it is meaningless paying the debt again just to pile it up once more.
read this booklet I found it very helpful for the financial aspect.
https://vdocument.in/problem-gamblers-and-their-finances-2016-10-11-problem-gamblers-and-their-finances.html?page=31

it may look like it is about money, but it is not. it may be started as a money issue but now it is not. and I really don’t buy into the dopamine cycle of it because it is not the case with me. it is a combination of the following:
1: a control problem, the control circuit in our brain has been wired wrongly, and we can’t control ourselves once it comes to gambling.
2: irrational thinking: looking as the casino games or ( leveraged trading) in my case is the fast solution or the only solution to solve my financial problem, is what let me back many times, in the normal days without having money to trade I will be very rational and I know you are the same because of what wrote up. but because of our control problem once the money comes irrational thinking will take over and we will relapse.
3: there are deep issues behind this addiction, in our life \ and personality that needs to be fixed as well.

one more point learned here in this forum is it takes more than a few days to fix what years of gambling have done to us.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Brenda
yes it is embarrassing and because of that I kept it hidden till now, but I think it is a good step to add an external factor to the equation.

Hi losingitslowly,
well, agree with what you said, it is true, but I think letting them know, and giving them the financial control at least partially, will be a safety net that will prevent me from ruining everything more, or ruining it again after rebuilding.
I really don’t mind if I lose 100$ or 1000$ once every few months in a relapse, but what really breaks me is this downward spiral that will leave me penniless each time I relapse. maybe I will not be able to be completely free of gambling for the rest of my life, but I need to deal with it I need to LIVE. I need to have savings as back up I need to progress financially and in every aspect of my life. really losing a 100$ will not put me back. but if everything on my control I am damn sure I will lose everything I had once I relapse, I have done it many times.

today is Day#3, still, I didn’t inform my family I am thinking of a way to do it gradually, today I started gradually with one of my friends I gave him minor information about me having an addiction issue, but without any elaboration about how deeply it impacted me.

anyhow, I will search for an online meeting because I really need one or multiple to be included as a routine every week.

[Author]

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