[Dark Energy]

Day#19,
I did a painful exercise, I read all the logs that I have from 2016 til today, and by then I came to know I am a compulsive gambler, before that, I thought what I was doing is trading and my issue is just a financial.
going through the records I figured out some patterns
the 1st pattern :
the relapse is not sudden, it comes with having extra money normally anything above 600$, followed by a period of fighting urges, this period last from 1 to 6 days then relapse, I literally wrote many times in the day before I relapse the following “today I had a very strong urge to gamble but thankfully I have fought these urges and didn’t gamble” and then in the next day, I relapsed.

the 2nd pattern is :
it seems that I have 6 levels of gambling-free days’.
1st milestone is: 21 days ( i have reached this milestone a lot of times)
2nd milestone is: 45 days ( i reached this level around 8 or 9 times )
3rd milestone is: 70 days ( 2 times then relapsed)
4th milestone is: 90 days ( reached this level 2 or 3 times then relapsed )
5th milestone is: 188 days ( this is the maximum that I have ever achieved, and I have achieved it once only)

the 3rd thing that I noticed is that I have learned from my experience, I have learned from all these releases, reading my comments I can see how my understanding of this addiction, myself, and my views about trading and investing changed. simply now I am more mature mentally. this gives me hope that I can beat this addiction.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
just checking on you, you didn’t post for a while, keep posting wish you all the best in your recovery.

[Dark Energy]

hi losingitslowly,
gambling is a lifetime illness, those circuits in our brain are already changed, and we may be able to re-wire them but this will take a long time, from a survey done a few years ago those who once met the criteria for pathological gambling 30% recover from problem gambling (1-year recovery) 50% out of that 30% relapsed within the following 4 years.
this means we have a 15% chance to be gambling-free without relapse after 5 years from now. another statistic 20% of pathlogical gamblers commit suicide. if you calcolate the odds that I will commit suicide in the next 5 years it is 17%, to give you an example Russian roulette has the same chance if I play Russian roulette I will have an 83% that I will live and a 17% chance I will die.

I am bringing these numbers not to demotivate you but to tell you that we should understand the nature of this addiction and understand that the odds are against us in this recovery. so we have to do everything that we can do to prevent ourselves from relapsing and to change the odds in our favor, and if we relapsed a safety net should be in place to not let us fall too hard.

this means we should always have some restricting that will support the overall goal which is to live a gambling free life.

as I wrote in a previous post there are two parts in my brain the rational part that tries to control things and fights the urges of gambling and wants to take me away from this activity and the other part is the irrational part of my brain where the urges comes from, the gambling is a behavioral addiction it is now coming from that part were the fight or flight response comes this is a primitive part that we can’t control all the time, do we all know gambling is bad? we all do. but we keep relapsing !!!. I once read that gambling is like riding a bicycle once we learn it even after years of not riding one we can easily ride one because this skill is there in the unconscious part of our brain it will always be there. so after years of abstinence, I could easily relapse, and I have read many stories about that.

if you add to that what I have is not an addiction to some casino games which is a clear form of gambling, I have an addiction to day trading in stocks, forex, and crypto. which is a complicated form because for instance you can consider it trading and under certain conditions, it is indeed trading, and you can consider it gambling under another condition. what I am trying to say it is easier to rationalize that a chance game is a chance game and to get over it (at least for the rational part of the brain) but it is harder to do so for something that can be a trade under certain condition and can be considered as gambling under other conditions.

after all these years of trial, I am pretty sure that I should not trade at all in the stock market and I should not even invest on my own, I should not make the decision to buy or sell a certain stock even if I am buying them as a long term investment because this will trigger the trader inside me and the trader inside me is a gambler addict and will always be.

such decisions as destroying my credit score to prevent myself from getting loans, and the decision not to invest in the stock market may look like an extreme measures, but let us face it we are in an extreme situation and it needs extreme measures to overcome it.

finally, we should do all that we can to support our rational brain against this irrational brain that keeps us gambling.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

Day#14.
2 weeks passed, not an achievement I have been there many times just to relapse in the next week or two.

[Dark Energy]

hi Losingitslowly,
there is no bankruptcy law here where I am living, “we don’t have this luxury”, I have paid my debt in the past but once I had access to loans again I piled the debt again in just two years to the same level, no I have to do this cycle again and again.
I have to tie myself to the mast and don’t depend on my willpower to avoid the sirens ” gambling”.

Hi Don,
I am quite convinced now with what I am reading about gambling and our brain, it is like we have two distinct ways of thinking. System 1 is automatic, quick, and involuntary. System 2 is effortful, slower, and deliberate.
gambling comes from system 1 and trying to stop gambling comes from system 2. both are in there in my brain and both will be there for a long time, so the way to stop it is to create many blockers (like limiting the access to money). to help system 2 control system 1.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
thank you for your answer, I think I will take the hard road. but what scares me is I took the hard road before and paid my loans just to pile them again, it seems each time my credit record goes up I have to destroy it again to protect myself.

I was reading a book a few days ago, the name of the book is (Evidence-Based Treatments for Problem Gambling, by Katy ONeill) it is a short book of around 100 pages but I think it is worth reading.
I Like some analogies she wrote in the 2nd chapter (Psychoeducation for Problem Gambling):
one of them is the below:
” we can seemingly simultaneously hold two inconsistent beliefs despite our factual knowledge. In the case of gambling – a client may be simultaneously torn between thoughts about going gambling and thoughts about resisting the urge; thoughts acknowledging the possibility of losing while simultaneously believing one is on the verge of a big win ”

and the analogy of Ulysses and the sirens in the end of the same chapter and after a brief introduction about the story, she wrote:

” Ulysses did not blindly trust that the strength of his current motivation to get home would endure through the future high-risk situation of hearing the sirens’ song. He understood that motivation is not a fixed state – it is susceptible to environmental influences – our beliefs are somewhat state-dependent and can change. He knew motivation was not enough; he needed planning and strategy. He undertook a functional analysis of his high-risk situation. He used a range of creative strategies, wax to prevent the crew from hearing the song (stimulus control) and rope to tie himself to the mast to prevent himself from responding.
Ulysses and the sirens is a good metaphor for dealing with cravings that we cannot avoid.”

this is not new information to me or to anyone here, but I think adding this mythological story was a good analogy that keeps us reminded of the fact that we have to plan ahead and not trust our willpower.

[Dark Energy]

Day#10,
yes, I have relapsed 10 days ago, anyhow I am in a better situation mentally now.

I have a question and I would like to hear what you guys think about it.

I am thinking to destroy my Credit score by not paying off the credit card to reach a situation where I have a “write off” note in my credit report this will prevent me from taking loans or credits for 2 years after this note.
the positive part will be that it will prevent me from borrowing more and losing large sums of money to gambling. and for the next 2 years what I will be doing is only paying debts without the possibility to revolve the debt or borrowing more, so by then, a total of 80% of my debt will be paid,
since the payment is high what will remain to me after all my current monthly expenses will be small so the negative part of this step is I have to delay many things that I need to do like getting married..etc

the 2nd option is to keep my credit score and pay the debt slowly by revolving part of it and paying my debt over a longer period the risk here is in each time I revolve part of the debt I will have the risk of losing that money to gambling again. but the positive side is I can live normally achieving some life goals that I need to achieve “urgently”.

so what do you think?

[Dark Energy]

hi Jvr,
happy for you, you are doing really well.. keep it up.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Losingitslowly
thank you for the support, don’t overthink about an unexpected disaster, even if something happened I am sure you will manage, you are stronger than you think you are.
I read somewhere regarding exercises when you think you are done you are just at 40% of your capacity and you still have 60% more to go.
about living paycheck to paycheck, I am in this situation for the last 5 years because of my gambling addiction. I am having a good-paying job I could easily save a good amount of money, but no.. I pilled up debt again.
I hope this will end this time. I miss the freedom to pursue a better job and the feeling of financial stability that my savings in the past gave me. but now all gone. and I have to start over

Hi Don,
sure your posts are helpful for me, we need any kind of support that we can get to motivate us and to keep us determined not to back to that bad addiction.

Hi Kin,
I agree with you it is bad, but at that time I was unable to sleep without it.

[Dark Energy]

thank you JVR and Don,

today is Day#52, again the damage that 7 years of addiction caused can’t be repaired in just 52 days.
I am still where I was a few weeks ago when I started this recovery, the things that are good are I am having better sleep, I have stopped using sleeping pills, and no urges to gamble.
that’s it the rest is still a mess.

[Dark Energy]

thanks Don for the support,

“Why, though, that they stopped posting?” I don’t know the answer but I think gambling at that stage becomes something from the past or a controlled illness, that does not occupy a big part of their mind. they will be more engaged in life and this addiction is behind them. which is a condition we all hope to achieve one day.

today is Day#47 all going well

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
congrats on your 1st GF day.
you need to put a plan on how you are going to overcome this addiction, don’t count on your willpower it will let you down,
plan ahead and if you relapse modify the plan until you succeed.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
thank you for the support, and yes it can be achieved with planning and support from others.
45 days is still early, I have been here in this forum for 2 and half years, and I have seen many members who crossed the 1-year mark and many of them they stopped posting after that it seems like after one year this addiction will fade dramatically. I never reached the 1-year mark my maximum was 6+ months I hope this time I will reach the 1-year mark and get this demon out of my head.

I wish you all the best in your journey toward a better version of yourself.

[Dark Energy]

I havs stopped counting days for awhile, but i gues i am at day 44
I didn’t reach this level for a long time.
Overall it is ok. Just i have some good days and some bad days. But because of the addiction impact on my life the good days will feel like a normal day. And the bad days will feel like a horrible day.
Anyhow just posting for posting. I don,t have much to say.

[Dark Energy]

thanks for your post Don.

finally, I had a good day today, I had a long streak of bad days in the last few days, but today I am motivated and I am feeling good, why? I don’t know honestly but I am glad for that.

[Author]

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