[DarcyM]

Hi Grasshopper,

Thanks for your kind words and good advice.
My husbands still remains gamble free. He attends his GA meetings twice a week and the aftercare programme once a week. It has become our new normal.
I suppose looking back over the last few months I have come to realise how lucky I was that I was not financially dependent on my husband. we have shared financials on our household but I have always been the higher earner which has thankfully covered all the bills with lower contributioNs from himself while he sorts through his debts.
I still struggle every day with my decision to stay. I am getting better at staying in the moment but it would be a lie to say I dont have more bad days than good. But I suppose hes only been home from rehab 8 months-a lifetime of trust was destroyed and it will not be easy to get it back overnight.
Im not sure why Im posting again but I felt compelled to. Maybe because I want to share that there seems to be hope again. I know every day brings a new battle but Im tired of being afraid. I just want to live without looking over my shoulder or is that awareness now something I need to accept as normal in order to keep myself safe?

[DarcyM]

Hi Velvet

Thanks for replying to me. My husband remains to the best of my knowledge gamble free. Our relationship is still far from perfect but we are both trying and things have returned to some resemblance of normal-for me anyway.
My husband still misses watching sports-he was advised not to until he was further along in his recovery. The aftercare family counsellor has listened to my concerns and agrees but has advised me to look at the bigger picture-I wanted him to stop gambling and he has.
I just cant seem to let go of the fear and give him my full trust again as much as I want to I feel like I would be a fool to belove he will never gamble again. I dont know if this is a self protection tool as I feel I do always need to be aware just in case he relapses.
The financial mess he created is still there. I know it will take time to clear as Im adamant he must do it himself but in the meantime Im under extra pressure to cover any unforeseens that arise and this makes me bitter.
I know I should be grateful he is not gambling but fear and anxiety are winning every time within me. Do you have any advice on how to overcome this? I know one day at a time love in the moment etc but honestly its easier said than done

[DarcyM]

Hi Velvet

So sorry for the late reply and thank you for taking the time to talk to me. My husband is home 16 days now and remains gamble free. His wages are now paid into my bank account and he is working at paying off his debts- which will be there for quite some time.
Its been quite a rollercoaster since his return. I was originally happy to have him come home but it has quickly turned to anger and resentment. I dont know when I will view him without anger again for the situation he had put us in. With regards the sport he originally agreed to not watch any. I knew this would be hard as his family are very sporty and alot of their conversations centre around sport. I came downstairs last Sunday night to find him watching highlights of a match that was not a sport he usually gambled on but was enough for me to hit the roof
It wasnt so much the fact he was watching it but the fact he wasn’t planning on telling me he had. I agree non live sport of a type he doesn’t usually gamble on probably isnt the worst to watch but Im terrified if he watches it it will cause him to spiral back to where he was.
I know I cant control him but I can control myself. Im torn between working on our relationship or cutting my losses and leaving. I feel pressure to make up my mind before our one year old daughter gets too old and then also I feel robbed of having more children as I couldnt risk him relapsing with more children to be hurt.
Im trying to be realistic but Im fearful of everything the future holds. I know its day by day but this isnt my addiction I don’t know if Im cut out for it all especially whenhes willing to test his addiction so soon

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