[danj94]

Sorry i havent posted in a few days but its been chaos. Ive been feeling okay, no urges to gamble. But its been the worst 3 days of my life. I was in work on saturday when i got the phonecall off one of my sisters telling me that loads of bills have been found unpaided and amounting into the thousands. One of the letters said we were going to lose the house on 26th april if we did not pay £1500. Of course my dad finds these and hits the roof. More and more bills are found amounting to around £5000. Of course this has been gambled by my mom and she then admits it to my family. I have known about my moms gambling but she sworn me to secrecy or she would kill herself. She then proceeds to overdose on pills and then i leave work to get back. By then my sister had came to pick my mom up to stay away for a few days. Turns out my mom has been also borrowing money from sisters, brother, and my nan with the excuse of i had been stealing her money and leaving her with nothing to pay the bills (a complete lie as i have not committed for 2 years) and she was then gambling as much as possible. My family had not told me what my mom had said about me and when i found out i broke down wondering how my mom could say these things about me. I have tried to help her several times, like put blocks on her phone but shes always refused and how can you help someone who does not want it. The bills have been paid from my dads savings and the house is okay. My mom is now not living with us and staying at my sisters. She is too ashamed to come home but i do forgive her. In a very strange way i believe this will help me on my own journey of no gambling as i have seen both perspectives, being both the victim and the one who has committed. I have now just eaten the first thing in 46 hours as i have felt really sick from all this (i usually eat huge amounts of food!). So yeah, the worst 3 days of myself and i feel my mom has hit rock bottom. Lets hope she can now pick herself up and start again and i will be there to help her every step of the way.
Thanks for reading

[danj94]

Ive been busy these past few days, well i say busy but more in a sense that things have happened in my family. We had an incident in january where my dad had stashed some money away for himself and when he went to grab some of it, it had all gone. My dad is not a very nice person and i have never got on with him, infact he is a very violent man who at times i despise for what i had to endure as a child. Well he went crazy and the only person who knows where he hid his money is my mom. Ive known for a while shes gambled but no one else knows and my family brush it off whenever i mention it. Well it turns out my mom stole the money and used it for gambling (although anyone else in my family does not know). They believe it went on to pay debts which my mom does have alot of debt but i know the debt recently has been so she can gamble more (ive been there myself too which is how i know her behaviour is from gambling). Well yesterday she did it again. Stole £400 from my dad and told him it was to pay debts. I found she needed the money to pay bills but had spent the bill money then panicked. Now no one in the house is speaking to her including me but i have offered my help to try kick the gambling but she declines it. Ive always said you cant help someone who does not want it so what do i do? Im living with my own addiction and having to try help my mom. She knows about my problems but shes not interested. How has the money who has bailed me out several times over the 4 years of my gambling got to this point? The times ive been crying to her saying i want to end my life etc but i cant understand how she herself has got to the same stage ive been at yet she has only seen the bad sides of gambling. I will never get my savings back or my dad wont get his money, but i hope my life can learn from this thing and i wont look back

[danj94]

Well i literally have self excluded from id say near enough every online gambling establishment available to me (it would take me an hour to find any other one) so online gambling has not appealed to me as i find it too much effort. I recently with my girlfriend in tow self excluded myself from every grosvenor and genting casinos in the uk. As foot bookmakers well there are hundreds where i live and i am self excluded from most of the book makers that surround me. This however i dont feel is good enough as i could drive to one that i am not banned from. Willpower is the only thing i have to stop me from travelling to these places, im hoping i can hold out and then eventually a nationwide self exclusion would be available to us. Perhaps bookmakers would require you to sign up as a member and need an id card to be able to place a bet etc, and if you wanted to self exclude then you simply have your membership revoked
Thanks for reading

[danj94]

Feeling okay today, i do feel thursday will be the hardest as thats when i get paid. Work helps me a lot to take my mind off gambling so im trying to work as much as possible but also to the fact i go skiing in 3 weeks i would like some extra spending money so i can enjoy myself.
Hope everyone is feeling good
Dan

[danj94]

Thanks for the kind words. it is nice to have something like this where i can open up about my feelings and addiction. Ive always found its a taboo subject to speak to about with many (not all) non compulsive gamblers and when i have spoke to people about parts of it they kind of just shake me off. The damage i feel i have done to my wellbeing, both physically and emotionally is huge from all the stress and then the depression but i know that it can be reversed and turned into something positive. As i said i will keep you updated.

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