[DaniA]

I’ve been meaning to post an update on how I’m doing, but I’ve cut off my internet access as a barrier and only have internet at work.

I saw my therapist on Tuesday, she suggested I first put every barrier in place possible. (You all told me this before). I feel I made excuses when it comes to this I would say I already tried and found a way around. Well, I need to try HARDER. I got rid of my phone, my husband changed the wifi password, I closed my entropay account and my husband and I are going in to close my bank account and have me added to his as a joint account, where I will have no online banking passwords and will only be able to access cash/debit (in the meanwhile we are keeping my balance at 0 and all funds in his account).

She also suggested I go to AADAC (Alcohol and Drug Abuse Commision) since I am a shy person when it comes to group settings. I found their office online and their hours are during my work hours and it is by walk in only. I booked next Wednesday morning off work to go do this.

She said something to me that I hadn’t thought of or considered. I considered the fact that I may lose my husband, that would devastate me and be a tough pill to swallow, but it never occurred to me that losing him would almost certainly mean losing custody of our daughter as he would be the most stable parent and it would be selfish of me to even want custody of her when I’m in a place like this. That realization scared the CRAP out of me. She is my everything, my truest love and my purpose. I can’t fail her. I won’t! I’m doing this for HER now.

I’ve been emailing back and forth with the director of GA here in my town and he has convinced me to attend a GA meeting in my area. I will be going Sunday or Monday, whichever day is more convenient for my husband as I want him there my first time.

So…the steps I’ve taken so far:
-Therapist
-Barriers

My next steps:
-AADAC
-GA

I have hope for the first time. I haven’t spent any money on gambling in 3 days as I can’t access any money. I have been playing a lot of no deposit sign up bonuses.

I know I have a long way to go. Thanks for reading!

[DaniA]

Thanks for the response. I sent an email to GA to inquire about their meetings. I looked up their schedule and they have one near my home this Sunday.

I think I will check it out, and also go to my meeting on Tuesday with the Psychologist.

I gamble online. I have gotten myself banned from hundreds of online casinos but always find my way back in or use another site.

I’m going to the bank with my husband to get a new bank card and going to immediately give it to him without seeing the # so I will not be able to fund my ecopays account which I use to gamble with. This bank card is my only source of funds for gambling as no credit cards work.

[DaniA]

Eric, I know the feeling. You’re at the same point I came to.

Telling someone about this used to be my biggest fear, but it came to a point that I had to. I feel like that is definitely the first, biggest and for sure the hardest step to take.

I’m glad you were able to tell someone, please do keep me updated.

[DaniA]

Thank you so much for your responses. It’s comforting to be acknowledged by others on these forums.

My work benefits cover the psychologist – unlimited visits and it is 100% confidential. I wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise.

I am still gambling every day with hopes to win big and fix all my problems – ridiculous, I know.

I had a live chat last night with the psychologist to ask for some insight on what to expect with my first appointment and she said she has some behavioral exercises she will work on with me and some questions to determine what type of gambling addiction I have (I didn’t know there was more than one kind of gambling addiction) and come up with a plan from there. She said the direction of our session depends on my situation entirely. I don’t know, I’m feeling kind of good about it. I have some hope, which I hadn’t had before.

I have never been to GA, but I feel like my addiction is too strong for this option to work for me.

I was very close to admitting myself into the hospital on Monday, but couldn’t take the embarrassment of telling them why I was there. I am very worried for my well being.

My husband doesn’t want them to put me on any medications as he knows I have an addictive personality. I never liked drugs and can’t imagine becoming addicted to them, but he did ask me to do him that one favor (not to allow them to dope me up to try and fix the problem). I feel I owe it to him.

My mother will be here Monday and she will chat with him, he is very ignorant when it comes to my addiction so he could use some education on it.

My mother has been my saving grace through this all. She used to have a gambling addiction, although not as bad as mine she still understands completely what I’m going through. I’ve had to leave work to go to my car to phone her a couple of times when I felt a panic attack coming on and she was able to calm me down within seconds/minutes. She is paying my rent that I gambled away and is spending $600 on a plane ticket to come see me. Every morning when I get to work I have an encouraging and loving message from her. One day I will repay her in a big way. I can’t wait for that day to come.

I will keep you all updated and hold myself accountable on these forums.

Thanks again for reading. It does mean so much to me!

[DaniA]

I’m back to admit my mistakes (you can take my silence as a bad sign). I haven’t stopped gambling. I continued, won $12, 000.00, put it on bills and then when it was gone tried to win a large sum again. I gambled away my families rent, grocery money and spending money ($4000.00 in one week). I’m back to that awful feeling again. The feeling I had hoped to never feel again. This time it’s a much worse feeling, which I did not think possible after my last episode.

The worst and scariest part is knowing that it CAN and may get much worse. I risked my families home to gamble. How could I let that happen? How far will I go? It’s like a sickness comes over me, almost like a demon (now I sound crazy, but have no other way to explain it).

I’ve had 3 panic attacks and vomited several times this week. My breaths are short and shallow again. I can’t sleep and when I do I dream only of gambling. I am completely zoned out of my life. I hit a parked car and believe it is due to my numbness/unawareness from gambling.

My husband is a kind and supporting person, but even he can only take so much. I’m afraid I will lose him.

I have an appointment with a psychologist this coming Tuesday, but am worried for my well being in the time leading up to my appointment. Also not sure what to expect from this appointment. Has anyone ever met with a psychologist for a gambling addiction and can give me an insight?

Thanks for reading.

[DaniA]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. It’s comforting knowing I’m not the only one going through this. Yesterday was a long day, lots of tears and naps. I got the loan and paid off the cheques and took the rest out in cash and gave it to my husband. I don’t think I would gamble it, but I’ve been wrong about it before and this seemed like the safest option.

My husband said although he is disappointed, he is also relived in a way knowing there is a possible end to our financial struggles. He felt as though he was working so hard and could never get any further. He would tell me before he knew about my gambling that he felt like he was failing my daughter and I because of our struggles. All along it was me. That is what I am most ashamed of. I allowed him to feel that way for so long.

It feels like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders after telling him..and being able to apologise. It still feels unreal having it out in the open. My mother in law also knows and had some very kind and encouraging words for me yesterday.

I took another day off work to recover from the stress. I have been watching Netflix and snuggling on the couch with my daughter all day and am going to make a big supper for my husband tonight (something I haven’t done in a long time).

Anyways, that’s just a quick update on my situation.

It feels good to write these so I will definitely continue to do so.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their words of encouragement and stories. If I can offer one piece of advice to gen1949 it would be to reach out to someone you love..tell them everything. As terrifying as that sounds, and as much as you want to avoid it, it will help you deal with the pain.

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