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Welcome, Momo.

Just like yourself, I’m also a very good gambler. Blackjack and sport’s betting are my games and I win almost every time I go and play.

Just like yourself, I’m also a compulsive gambler and will find a way to lose my winnings (and then some), integrity and soul, regardless of my knowledge and skill. Losing the money hurts, but losing myself is the real problem.

You sound a lot like myself. I’m not broke from gambling. I could go right now and gamble with a sizeable stack that I can “afford to lose”. But ‘Ive done that too many times. Over 20+ years, I’ve gambled away a nice retirement. I’ve gambled away money that my parents – who continue to work at the ages of 77 and 75 – could have retired on. I have put undue stress on my marriage. I could have sent my children to better colleges than they are currently attending. Hell, I’ve fucked up so many times, what’s another?

Or…I could quit. Man, the answer seems so obvious, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it isn’t. My mind wants to gamble. I LOVE the action. Nothing quite like it, really. I have to work to not do so as you are doing right now. You are helping yourself just by crying out for a relatable ear. It’s true what they say, even the longest journey begins with the first step.

Because we think as we do, this is not an enviable struggle. It’s also not an impossible one.

Keep posting. It helps.

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Good point.

I understand what you’re saying about planting the seed of doubt (relapse is inevitable) in one’s head, likely instigating a relapse and I don’t want to give the impression that relapses result in positive outcomes. They absolutely don’t. Relapses get worse, each and every time at an exponentially depressing degree. During my 6th or 7th relapse, I was ready to repaint the walls with my cranial matter….and it made complete sense to me at the time to do so. Luck, God, fate…whatever it was, is the only reason I’m here today, because I truly believed that those around me were better off without me. After a few more relapses, I found myself a ward of the state. That’s where consecutive and repeated relapses takes you, and it’s not pleasant.

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You’re doing precisely what I’m doing. I’m not only suppressing my desires to win my money back, but more importantly (I believe), trying to discover why those desires present(ed) themselves in the first place. I wonder if we’ll discover it?

You’re brave to continue working at that same job considering all that transpired. Admirable. This alone shows remarkable courage and character.

I’d venture a confirming guess that you’re well on your way to earning your integrity back.

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Midnight Run…hilarious!

I’ll have to check out the Sleepy Hollow. Sounds horrible. If I didn’t know you had such good taste, I’d dismiss the notion entirely. Now it’s simply a must 🙂

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I understand what you’re saying about planting the seed of doubt (relapse is inevitable) in one’s head, likely instigating a relapse and I don’t want to give the impression that relapses result in positive outcomes. They absolutely don’t. Relapses get worse, each and every time at an exponentially depressing degree. During my 6th or 7th relapse, I was ready to repaint the walls with my cranial matter….and it made complete sense to me at the time to do so. Luck, God, fate…whatever it was, is the only reason I’m here today, because I truly believed that those around me were better off without me. After a few more relapses, I found myself a ward of the state. That’s where consecutive and repeated relapses takes you, and it’s not pleasant. .

I’d also like to issue a disclaimer/warning to CGs who have recently quit about interpreting my personal musings as anything but. I’m not an expert at staying away from gambling once I decide to do so as evidenced by my many relapses. This thread is not about what you should do in your journey, it’s about where I’m at. My apologies if I came across as anything but a lost CG trying to find my way.

With that said, I’m approaching 3 months of abstinence and I could care less about gambling. Since I live in Vegas, I have to drive by 5-10 casinos a day, but not once have I seriously considered turning into the parking lot. I see them (they’re hard to miss), but I simply don’t care.

I sure hope this mindset continues to like the neighborhood and decides to buy a home.

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Dang, Cat, I got chills reading your post. You verbalized what’s been going through my head lately.

I too am appreciating the phrase ‘one day at a time’. It helps me to not focus on the overwhelming negatives of my addiction Using the philoshy of TODAY I didn’t gamble – better yet, didn’t even have the urge to do so (when available) – affords me the narrow, achievable focus that, inch by inch, gets me to where I want to be each night when I lay my head on my pillow.

What a win! Who would ever think that such a simple concept could be so rewarding when offered up in such a tidy, small package as ‘today I didn’t gamble’? Certainly not a compuslive gambler. But there it is.

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When a cancer patient beats cancer, it’s considered heroic. When an alcoholic has been sober for a long time, it’s considered commendable. A compulsive gambler doesn’t share this social empathy. Ours is a private and lonely struggle.

Condidering this lack of social empathy, one has to ask, Is compuslive gambling really a “disease” as some call it? Is it an addiction?

For the longest time, I didn’t believe so, even though I displayed the precise traits of being just that – addicted. But after witnessing my behavior so many times, the bulb finally -finally!!! – lit.

Heres the thing, what most people who’ve never had an addiction don’t realize is that the most debilitating factor of addiction in not the physical aspect, but the mental.

Let’s take an alcoholic. Is he/she physically dependent? Sure, but after several days, the physical addiction is gone. So now he/she is cured, right? Will never drink again. But they do and in far higher percentages than don’t. Why is this? What seperates a no longer physically addicted alcoholic wanting a drink to a compulsive gambler desiring his/her fix? Nothing. We’re no different in virtually every addiction criteria.

And here’s the thing, understanding this actually gives me strength and hope. It helps me to feel less bat-shit crazy. It helps me to understand why while in the throes of my franctic gambling binges I behaved so contrary to my nature. It also helps me appreciate that if I slip (God willing, I don’t) that I must try to rectify my course as soon as possible and proceed with my recovery.

Luckily though, Mercedes, we’re not truly alone in this. We do have other, fellow compuslive gamblers who understand in spades. We’re actually not alone, even though it sure as hell feels like it.

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Man, you brought up some descriptors of the possibly-not-so-genuine feelings I may be purposefully burying.

My primary concern was also hiding my addiction. Everything else came second.

How does that work?

LOL

It’s like burying the body of someone you just murdered in the desert so no one will ever find out about it, all the while telling yourself how bad you feel about having just murdered them.

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Hello, Mercedes, welcome.

This was the perfect place to post and you made the right call. The realization that gambling has control of us, and not the other way around, has to be the best place to start.

So then, how do we stop trying to break down this cement wall with our head?

The easy answer: don’t gamble.

The hard answer: don’t gamble.

We simply forget the anguish and regret. You mentioned it was nine days since you swore off gambling that you went back to it. Nothing unusual about that. I’ve sworn off it and gambled the very next day.

Why does this happen? I believe it’s because every time I decide to quit, I leave a caveat in my decleration. It’s always very hushed and disreet, but it’s always there. I say to myself “This doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t ever gamble again…forever. If the right scenerio happens, like I come into a bunch of money (money fairy?), then I can gamble. But for right now, I quit.”

This is a problem for me. If I leave a heartbeat to the notion of ever gambling again, I will.

The other thing I have to understand is that I will always lose..in the end. This is coming from a pretty decent gambler. I can win 80% of the time I play and go home with the money. I can literally do this. But I have a problem. This problem is that I’m a compulsive gambler and I cannot accept a loss, no matter how small and cannot accept a win, no matter how big. I simply keep playing until the money is gone. Doesn’t matter if it takes a day, week, month or year, I’ll play until the last dollar in my pocket.

So, in order for me to succeed and/or make it to the next level of recovery, I have to understand and appreciate three things. They are now the law in my life:

1) I have a gambling problem.

2) I can never gamble again, no matter what.

3) I will always lose in the end.

Simple rules to follow, right? For a compulsive gambler, not so much. In fact, they’re quite difficult. But not impossible.

You have begun your path, Mercedes, just remember that there are stones in our paths we may trip on, streams that may need crossing, and possibly even the occasional snake that may cross our path. But this mustn’t deter us. Hell, it’ll be a cakewalk conisidering the path of gambling that we have been wakling on is nothing but snakes.

Best of luck, Mercedes. Don’t be a stranger.

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Two months and three weeks and I almost successfully rationalized a way for me to gamble.

These last couple of weeks, I’ve been comforting a friend who is recently divorced. We’ll drink a few beers and watch a movie, or something like this. But today, I thought about how much fun it would be for us to bet on a football game and watch it together. I mean, it would be for him, not just myself, after all.

I was able to catch myself and I’m sure glad that I can now see through my own bullshit.

And speaking of BS, I was wondering today if the feelings of guilt and shame I felt after losing were actually those feelings or decoys I devised to masquerade the anger I harbored towards the casino and life in general. In other words, if I felt guilt, I couldn’t really be that crappy of a person for just doing what I had done and was instead somewhat of a victim of unfortunate circumstance.

Does anyone else know what I’m getting at? Do you have the same doubt in the integrity of those feelings?

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I’m almost convinced that relapse is a necessary component of recovery. God bless those that can apppreciate their addiction for what it is and actually stop on their first try, but for me, repeated pummelings at the hands of the casino was what finally made me acknowledge my addiction/compulsion.

We can’t stop trying to quit gambling from a slip, instead we should use it to further educate ourselves about our gambling triggers and ultimate reasons we choose/feel compelled to gamble in the first place.

I commend you on your decision and bravery to abstain once again.

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“Taking up space on my thread”…lol. I suppose it would be better with no responses, save my addiction-addled, depressing thoughts?

Please, I bore myself to tears and you’re my favorite poster on this site. Your story touched and resonated with me and when I look back one day with a clearer head from years of recovery, the strength emanated from your posts will be remembered as a helpful catalyst.

We seem to have the same taste in shows. movies.

By chance, have you ever watched the movie ‘The Mission’? It’s my personal favorite.

The premise (or at least how I perceive it) has to do with the decisions we make in life and spotlights how even when some of the presented choices are diametrically opposed to one other, they are not necessarily wrong or unfavorable to our personal growth or ultimately the very definition of our lives, but are instead decisions made from circumstance and moral leanings.

I highly recommend it.

What are some of your favorite movies?

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Brilliant, Vera, you paved the path I’m heading.

When I’m in the throes of gambling, I literally cannot think rationally and my ability to stop – or even take a break – is so diminished by what I now recognize to be addiction, that it is rendered virtually nonexistent, but after I have been away from gambling a while and the dust has settled, there is a moment before I step through those casino doors again that I consciously ask myself whether I should continue or not. The answer has always been yes and I believe this is because that battle was already fought and the victor declared before the question was asked.

What do I mean by this? Incremental successions of concessions and the breaching of my poorly defended resolve.

Like you said, Vera, we desperately want our money back and the only way to do so in satisfatory manner is to win it back via the same manner in which we lost it. Since not only did the casino take my money, but they beat me out of it, I have lost both financially and emotionally and it’s only natural to want revenge. So I try and fail, time and time again and then quit, time and time again, each time telling myelf “That’s it, I’m quitting once and for all!” But then, given a little time, I always ammend my declaration with “But maybe one day I can avenge myself by winning my money back”. Big, big problem. By using this flawed and enabling strategy I have left the gambling door ajar. I may as well have left it open entirely.

Another thing I do is this: read the damn sports lines. When I read them and think to myself “so and so should cover that line”, or “those teams will easily cover the over/under”…nothing good will come of this. I simply remember the times I would have won – secretly regretting the fact that I didn’t have money on those games – while disregarding the times I would have lost since I conveniently have no action on those games and thus don’t feel the sting. It’s a win-win for my addiction and I have again set myself up to gamble again.

So, given that I do have an addiction to gambling, do I ultimately even have a choice to gamble or not when the opportunity presents itself? I believe, yes…and no. It depends on what I have done to either prevent or facilitate it prior to the point of the decision. Anything short of an unwavering “Not a chance in hell!” puts my discipline and resolve to the test, both of which will likely not be up to the desired task for some time.

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Thank you, P & Icandothis. I suppose only time will tell if I’m progressing, but I’m not taking comfort and confidence for granted any more.

I have repeated the phrase ‘we admitted we were powerless over gambling’ so many times, but never accepted or appreciated it. Or maybe I did, but my inability to accept life without gambling required I push it aside. Either way, memorization of this phrase made making the connection that much easier when I once again was presented with the question. But I do believe you are right, I am doing good this time. Much better than I ever have in the past and I believe it’s because of a combination of reasons which include absolute acceptance of my compulsive gambling addiction and honesty with myself regarding the reasons I want to gamble. I can allow forgiveness of myself, but not forget the insane depravity. Sounds easy enough, but this ends up being the tricky part for me.

For me, over time, the anguish of the losses fade and are replaced by the memory of the winnings. The winnings are simply awesome. Sitting at a blackjack table with two, three or four stacks of chips 7-8 inches high with no end in sight is an incomparable rush. Unfortunately, that’s the simple, unmitigated truth for me. And this is what I eventually, ONLY remember: the profitable gambling outings and the depriving reality of my choice of not allowing myself to continue. 100% textbook addiction, no question about it, but it’s how it works for me.

So, I’m told – and I tell myself – to fill the void with something else. Honestly though, what could ever fill that particular, high-octane (not any more), addiction-infused (current, but checked) void besides daily drug use, skydiving or Formula-1 racing? From where I stand, it all looks like boring, virtually pointless crap.

But then I go back to repeating that phrase I didn’t believe applied but eventually resonated with and defined me: ‘we admitted we were powerless over gambling’ and I have to believe that other potentially positive living methods/philosophies – no matter how contrived and forced they may feel – may also bear fruit.

Why not try, what have I got lose besides another gambling outing that ends in gut-wrenching frustration, anguish and shame? I’ve been there countless times before and I’m fairly certain I could survive another.

But today, I choose not to. Today, I choose something distinctly different, not matter how alien. Anything beats what I know.

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The problem with being a compulsive gambler is that even if you won 40 million (cheating or not), you’d give it all back and still have the urge to gamble some more.

I thank God that at least I’m where I’m at and not where he’s at right now.

Three years, 40 million, gives it all back…sounds familiar.

EL CAJON, Calif. — A well-known professional gambler accused of cheating at cards at a San Diego-area casino has been extradited from Nevada to California.

The San Diego County district attorney’s office says 62-year-old Archie Karas won more than $8,000 in July by marking blackjack cards at the Barona Casino. He was arrested at his Las Vegas home in September.

Karas is a high-stakes gambler known for a winning streak from 1992 to 1995 that earned him $40 million at Las Vegas tables before he gambled it away.

Prosecutors said Friday that he faces nearly four years in prison if convicted.

http://www.reviewjournal.com/business/gambler-accused-cheating-extradited-california

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