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What’s important. That’s what I’m focusing on today.

I’ve been thinking this way for a while now, only (primarily, of course, there are other…insignificant issues (in comparison)) gambling has interfered with this endeavor.

Why would I challenge what I know is good for me by confronting what I have already witnessed…countless times, defeat me? I don’t know..or do I?

This problem that I have is deeper than mere gambling itself., but gambling will ensure that I can’t continue with any personal progression. Any. I’m defeated before I begin.

God, thank you for today. Please give me the strength to continue walking with you tomorrow.

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Hello John.

You said you have nothing left after 9 years of salary.

Seems to be a trend for us compulsive gamblers.

It’s not the amount of money lost, IMO, but the significance the amount lost in respect to income. For compulsive gamblers, this number is far too high to justify it as not being a problem.

I’ve gone so far as to figure (rough estimate, of course) the amount that I’ve lost – per day – for every day that I’ve been alive, since infancy. The amount is staggering and sobering.

Best of luck in your recovery my friend. That goes for all of us. Or, maybe luck is what we were trying for in addiction and now we need determination, conviction and education? Yeah, screw luck. too risky.

Just do it.

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Hmm…not feeling any better, really. But what do feelings have to do with anything? I appreciate the encouragement, Vera, Izbeth. What would we do if we didn’t have each other?…Go crazy I suppose. Literally. Like, I’m totally not just saying this.

Well, crazy isn’t an option for me. My children can’t afford that. So, I put on the gloves and fight.

I fight to continue recovering…always. Never letting up because I have a demon inside of me. A monster part of my psyche that wants me to succumb to nothingness. The monster is me, unfortunately.

I also have the good me. The side that wants me to be good to myself for myself and those who love, need and care for me. This part of me is going to be nurtured now more than ever. That’s the plan, anyway.

Been to two GA meetings now and I can honestly say that I can’t stand being there for even a second, but I must be there. It’s where my butt needs to be sitting.

Will I get better with time? I hope so. I have before and I can again. Today…no. Tomorrow…hopefully.

God, give me today please. We’ll tackle tomorrow, tomorrow.

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Starting day 7.

I feel like God is in my corner. I’m finally realizing I can’t do it alone and it’s a relief to know he’s with me.

I went on date last night. It was the first one in 30 years. I was still very stressed about my gambling losses and my state of mind, but it went extremely well and told me she is looking forward to date #2.

That helped me to feel less of a bum.

Best part, I’m 46 and she’s 34. I never thought I’d see the day.

I have a suspicion my days are about to be occupied with more fulfilling endeavors than they have in the past. This would most definitely get me out of this funk I’m in with a healthier manner.

I plead with you again, God, to take my hand once again and help me tbrough today.

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Day 6.

Went to a GA meeting yesterday. Been there before too. Half the people in the room knew me by name and greeted me warmly. I felt bad they they listened and earned their days of gambling sobriety and I didn’t.

Happy for them I suppose. Happy they were still there to go to. I didn’t speak. I just shook hands and said my hello’s to those who remembered me. I just felt the need to listen. I don’t think my thought processes are working properly at the moment.

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Upside of day 4…starting to breathe again. Barely.

Seriously, the cost of gambling-loss-panic-stress-etc., is too high. I don’t want to live like this any more.

Just tonight, God. I’ll tackle tomorrow, tomorrow.

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On a positive note, we can literally see what gambling stress (and stress in general) does to us.

It also shows me that I have other issues that help drive me to gamble. It’s both mental and physical. There’s something in my psyche that I need to fix. If can do this, than I will be physically better off too.

Gee…what’s the downside? Too much money in my pocket?

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Day 4.

Woke up to emptiness. Suppose this is better than dread and sorrow.

Will make it through the day without betting. One day is easy enough after losing so recently.

What I have to worry about is months from now.

But not right now. I’ll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Right now I’ll take this one day at a time.

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Twilight16 ~ “The addiction wants you to feel shame of your failings because it is cruel like that. It uses it to get you to gamble again, giving you false hope that you will win it big, so you can wipe free whatever failings you feel.”

Wow…just…WOW

What amazing insight and truth.

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I thought about the climber all day today.

Have I cried out for God before? I believe I have, yes. But what good does it do if I don’t join him in helping me?

What a profound and thought-provoking story.

Thank you also for the story of holding up the glass.

But better than both of these stories (lessons) is the story I learned about people today. You guys. Strangers reaching out to help because they know. You’ve been there (or are there now). You’re not leaving any man behind.

Thank you so much.

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I can relate.

I have eczema and it’s getting pretty bad due to the stress I’ve brought upon myself from gambling. I don’t need a doctor to tell me that stress and health are related, I can see it with my own eyes.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m with you, brother, you’re not alone, even though that is contrary to how you feel. I feel totally alone too.

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Day 3.

My eyes are welled with tears reading these comments. Thank you…more than you know.

I’m so alone in my secret life of gambling. There’s literally no one (except you, the people posting on this forum) I can tell about this or they’ll lose all respect and hope for/in me.

I’m scared of myself. I’m scared for myself. More importantly, I’m scared for those who now depend on me being financially well, i.e., children and elderly parents.

I cannot believe I have done what I have done, yet, at the same time. I totally can.

The EXACT same triggers enabled me to to do this again. I even told myself, “Hey, this is a trigger, be careful”. Didn’t matter because I WANTED to. I wanted the escape.

Just one enormous problem, gambling is not an escape for me, it is a prison. An almost inescapable prison. I’m clinging as hard as I can to the ‘almost’. It’s all I have.

I’m not a spiritual or religious person, but I’ve been praying constantly. I need God’s strength. Without it, I don’t believe I’ll mentally make it.

Please God, give me just today. We’ll work on tomorrow when it comes.

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Starting day 2.

Woke up feeling fine, then I remembered.

Shame. Disappointment in myself. Thinking about the things I could have bought for my children.

Lies.

This makes me an ugly person. This may already define the narrative of my life. I hope not. I hope I can change it.

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Welcome, Nani.

Enough! That’s a strong place to start.

Day by day, it’ll get easier.

Day by day, you’ll come to understand this (your) addiction better and what you need to do to stop gambling.

Keep us posted on your progress.

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Time to get busy living.

I like the sound of that.

Hope I can eventually feel it. Right now I just feel bored; like my life is commonplace. I miss my old, secret mistress (gambling), no matter how horribly she treated me. Sounds a little strange, I know, but it’s true. It’s as though I’m an abused ex still longing for his/her abuser.

I had my first, real strong urge the other day. I’ve had small urges over these last couple of months, but not a big one like this was. The feeling that came over me was overwhelming. Had I been standing in a casino at that moment, I worry about what could have happened. The feeling/urge to gamble wasn’t a tense or pressure feeling, it was a warm, comforting and exciting rush. I was stuck there for a good 15 minutes and it made me realize something…

Remember the game show Wheel Of Fortune? Well, if I replace all the $$$ placards with ‘don’t desire to gamble’ and the Bankrupt placards with ‘desire to gamble’ and then spin it, it’s a fitting analogy of what it’s like when I’m in recovery. The majority of time it’s going to stop on ‘don’t desire to gamble’, but not always. When it lands on ‘desire to gamble’, it’s going to be overwhelming (as it was the other day) and I better be in the right place and right mindset. When it stops on ‘desire to gamble’, just saying ‘no thank you’ isn’t going to cut it. I’m going to have to tap into my reserves. I have to have won the fight before getting in the ring.

Mental preperaton.

What am I going to do during my yearly visit from my friend back East? We used to get hammered and gamble. Now what? Get hammered and NOT gamble? Hell, that won’t work. If I’m out on the town in Vegas, drunk, I’m going to gamble.

So, back to preperation. To prepare, I need an entire life-changing outlook and lifestyle. I suppose this is what you’re talking about by “time to get busy living”. But it won’t work unless I “get busy living” by living a different way. And THAT is why abstention from an addiction is so hard, I suppose. Because it’s not just quitting what we’re addicted to, but embracing lifestyles that were heretofore alien to or rejected by us that leads to a lasting and beneficial recovery.

That part (entire lifestyle change) is really difficult and sounds awful. But I reflect on something you said in an earlier post. You said something along the lines of it taking years to get to where we are today, so we can’t expect recovery to take place overnight.

I believe you’re right.

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