[danchaser]

Day 25.

Have I progressed? Am I making the necessary changes in my life to not only eliminate gambling but improve my reality in ways that will alleviate urges to gamble in the future and improve my life, thereby improving the lives of those I love and care about?

I believe I am getting closer. Even if these last 25 days have only allowed me an inch on a journey of a million miles, I’ll take it.

I want this. I need this. I’ll take anything that doesn’t include going back “there”…the literal Hell that is gambling (for me, at least).

[danchaser]

Day 20.

Urges to gamble? No. Urges to win my money back? Not really.

Will this continue? I sincerely hope so.

Someone wise once told me…when walking through Hell, don’t stop to rest, keep moving.

Move I shall. I’m better than me.

[danchaser]

Your priest can suck on it!

Sorry to those I offfend, but I mean it!

God, Mary, Joseph…the baby Jesus (notice the capitalization..I do that to square my odds…isn’t that totally expected)), they can’t/won’t/don’t exist/teaching is we need to learn; not my concern. My concern is a very concrete, ingrained, impulsive, compulsive condition, which I not only HAVE to confront, but now…finally understand why I want to.

I also have bank coming, April 1st. Fool’s day.

I won’t be a fool because those days are over. I no longer want to walk off the stage; the lonely, defeated walk of shame to my car in the parking lot of the casino, knowing I’ll spend the next days, months and much MORE years regretting who I have become.

No. Today is a new day.

I’m so lucky to have money coming. As you. I won’t squander it though, this time. I appreciate now that funds are not a right, but a blessing. Mine will go to pay off debts I’ve acquired.

I am blessed. I have been granted that which I don’t deserve just because I was granted the opportunity to work hard and reap the benefits. But so have others; worked hard just to survive, but weren’t granted my position/blessed life (I can still call it that, gratefully).

Be good to yourself, my friend, as will I. There is life after gambling. The ones who committed suicide didn’t feel hope. I want to feel hope because suicide would be too easy…for me. Not so much for those who need me.

Congats! Don’t **** yourself over. I’ll be watching how you handle this balloon payment.

[danchaser]

Your priest can suck on it!

Sorry to those I offfend, but I mean it!

God, Mary, Joseph…the baby Jesus (notice the capitalization..I do that to square my odds…isn’t that totally expected)), they can’t/won’t/don’t exist/teaching is we need to learn; not my concern. My concern is a very concrete, ingrained, impulsive, compulsive condition, which I not only HAVE to confront, but now…finally understand why I want to.

I also have bank coming, April 1st. Fool’s day.

I won’t be a fool because those days are over. I no longer want to walk off the stage; the lonely, defeated walk of shame to my car in the parking lot of the casino, knowing I’ll spend the next days, months and much MORE years regretting who I have become.

No. Today is a new day.

I’m so lucky to have money coming. As you. I won’t squander it though, this time. I appreciate now that funds are not a right, but a blessing. Mine will go to pay off debts I’ve acquired.

I am blessed. I have been granted that which I don’t deserve just because I was granted the opportunity to work hard and reap the benefits. But so have others; worked hard just to survive, but weren’t granted my position/blessed life (I can still call it that, gratefully).

Be good to yourself, my friend, as will I. There is life after gambling. The ones who committed suicide didn’t feel hope. I want to feel hope because suicide would be too easy…for me. Not so much for those who need me.

Congats! Don’t **** yourself over. I’ll be watching how you handle this balloon payment.

[danchaser]

Appreciate the support, Johnny.

I really helps to know I’m not alone in this addicton.

Day 17.

Someone I know said something the other day o have been pondering. They said “I may have problems, I may have done things that assholes do, but I’m not an asshole”.

As long as don’t gamble, I can… bit by bit…apply this to myself; lose the self-loathing.

There’s still time.

[danchaser]

You’re a fighter. As am I. Too bad we fight ourselves.

That’s okay, it’s an even match with knowledge in the ‘don’t gamble’ corner.

I believe I need many character traits and positive affirmation in my battle against whatever the hell this is…and this particular quote caught my eye. It’s not grand. Pretty simplistic, but spot-fucking on:

“A river cuts through rock not because of its power, but because of its persistence.”

There is this little river that cut through sandstone and tossed rock. They call it the Grand Canyon. It didn’t give up because it was formed by nature.

Aren’t we too part of nature?

Try and hang tough, brother. I will try as well.

[danchaser]

I can almost say that today, day 13, the fog somewhat lifted. Nothing major, but it’s like a bit of clarity entered my life.

I’m still pissed of that its 13 days and not 13 months or 13 years, but I suppose that’s part my compulsion, self gratification and endorphin release desire.

Have no desire to gamble. Absolutely none. I will be blessed beyond what I deserve if this resolve continues.

I must remind myself daily what I’m capable of; how my mind will play tricks. Sad, but I can never trust myself with gambling. It’s like being in love with an unfaithful partner who I have no choice but to stay with. Because they are me.

This sucks. But I’ll keep trucking because saying yes to gambling is akin to pissing away what remains of my life and those who need and desire for me to be well.

Day 14, I won’t gamble. But will I learn what living is about?

I Hope so. Not just for me.

[danchaser]

12 days since I gambled.

Thinking clearer? Yes, a little bit more. Hope? Not so much. Self-confidence? Probably a little worse.

Confidence in not gambling on day 13? 100%

I have help. Here…and something else. Not sure what or who. I’d like to say God, but I’m not even sure I believe in God. But somthing is pushing me forward…to indirectly pursue onversations that have helped me move slightly forward.

My guard is up however. It will always have to be.

[danchaser]

Well then. ..good. I suppose. If watching agony changes your future than that makes you knowledgeable and wiser. Hopefully.

I’m not offended. You can’t offend someone who not only hurts themselves, but more importantly, those who need Me for financial stability.

And thank you. It’s day 12 actually and I don’t have the slightest urge to gamble. It doesn’t alleviate the pain already inflicted, but it does prevent further regression.

Time. It’s a weird thing. Years pass in the blink of an eye, when content. When tormented, every minute is an eternity. However time stops for no man/woman.

Healing will happen. But the gambling sniper is there…waiting. Aiming. At all times.

Have to locate his position and avoid being in his line of sight.

[danchaser]

I feel just the same as you, brother.

I also have the urge to “chase” after my losses. Hence my username.

It’s gone. I’m a compulsive gambler. This means that even if…by some miracle…I won my losses back by gambling, I would just keep on gambling and lose it all over again.

Winning is not even a good thing for me. It just compounds my problem and creates a ticking time-bomb for the eventual, inevitable big loss at the end.

Gambling is my vice. It takes away so much more than just money.

I wish you the best in your battle.

[danchaser]

Spot on, JT.

They say a wise/wealthy man earns money off interest while a foolish/poor man pays it.

Well, in my case, not only do I pay interest but late fees as well. ..causing new loans, more interest and more late fees.

Vicious cycle continues as long as I continue to gamble.

[danchaser]

For real, JT.

I’ve only lived here for 9 years. I’m 47 years old. Been gambling in casinos since I was 17. Drinking in them too. Nobody cared back then. Not as long as you acted like you belonged and had cash. I used to drive hours as well. Distance means nothing if I am determined to gamble.

And yes, the underbelly of Vegas can often times be an ugly sight. I’ve seen quite a few people who moved here for the job and left because of the gambling.

Day 10 was awful for me. No urges to gamble, just revulsion with myself. I’m trying to stay positive, but quite honestly it’s hard to focus on anything but negativity.

I suppose as long as I’m facing the right direction in the path and not moving backward, being stuck for the moment isn’t all bad. No relaxation…no inner peace…don’t expect that for a good while, but no further regression.

[danchaser]

All good advice.

I know everyone at the GA meetings. Been going, on and off, for years. I want to walk in this time with 30 days behind me. Embarrasment and shame, I suppose. That may sound silly, but it is just how I want to do it this time.

I have very little family left that trusts me. Those that do would no longer trust or even speak with me if I told them what I have been doing. Long story, it would definitely not be a wise choice for me.

Barriers. I’m can easily break those. Lines of credit, credit cards, debit cards, bank accounts, stocks…I can’t tell everyone I do business I’m a compulsive gambler. Any lines of credit I have would be at risk.

I just simply have to not gamble. The simplest, most difficult thing for me to do, I must. No choice.

I can stop. I know my triggers. I know that I can’t look at sports odds. Looking at those leads me making a bet that won’t cost me much money if I lose. This is what I tell myself. End of the story…every, single time…without exception…ever, is leaving the casino broke from playing blackjack. Broken record. Same deal.

I know what I have to do and that is not gamble.

So how? I have to change myself. Something about my desire for adventure. Not the healthy part, but the destructive part.

Gambling is not in control of me, unless I’m gambling.

Day 9. Done. Day 10, please be as kind.

[danchaser]

Sorry.

You didn’t mean to harm you family; to make things financially harder on them than it already it is. But you did. So did I.

We may have a gambling problem we may want address and deal with it so we don’t continue accomplishing the opposite effect of what we intend and want for our family and ourselves.

We may just be compulsive gamblers who need help, knowledge and wisdom from those who have found a way to combat their own gambling compulsion.

I hope you can stop. I hope we both can. I believe we’re both taking the responsible and correct first step…admitting we have a gambling problem.

Welcome. Gratefully, we don’t have to tread this path alone. We’re not the first to take it.

Read other’s stories here. You’re not alone…not by a long shot.

[danchaser]

Day 8.

Feel slightly better, strangely. For a couple of reasons, I suppose. Hope this is a good thing.

#1 – I was forced to be honest with myself 8 days ago. I didn’t like my girlfriend. She was good for me, but there was no chemistry and she was pushing for a serious commitment way too fast. I’m not ready. I’m not well enough for commitment. Until I face some hard facts – at this point – I’d **** up a wet dream. I heard a joke once that may allow me some rationalization for my latest gambling loss (I’m being facetious, of course…but it’s better than being despondent, as I have been). Here it is:

What does “Yes, I’ll marry you” mean?

A price tag of $350 thousand dollars!

#2 …the most important one for me. I have fear for the future. Which means I have a future. If I didn’t have concerns about my future, it would equate to having passed the point of no return. I have worry. I have doubt. I have fear. These are healthy feelings to have from where I’m standing, considering what I have been doing. I don’t even deserve to have a 90th chance, yet…here I am. By the grace of God, spirituality, “luck”(I’ve grown to hate that word), the angel over my shoulder, the spaghetti monster…whatever! I financially lived to fight another day when I don’t deserve anything but contempt, having lost all material worth and self-lothing.

Yet, here I am. I may not be standing tall, but I’m standing.

Day 9. I fear you.

I give thanks for this fear.

[Author]

Posts