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Wow Larry. That post you just made on your thread really hit me and has me thinking. I pain from your loss. I was thinking a lot of stuff last night that relates to what you said. My mother got mad at me and told me I should just give up my job, school, and family and become a proffesional gambler. If I had a bank roll, I might would try it. But it got me thinking about the assets I have neglected. The invaluable ones. Family.
Right now I am not making any declarations. I am a human being. A child of God. That is what I am focussing on today. And it is good to be alive. I have a lot of stuff to work out. A lot. I want to focus and regroup on those goals.
You have made a difference in my life Larry. I am sorry for the price you paid to have to enter my life, but I sure thank God for you. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish of me.
God Bless,
Cully21I want to thank you for your support and kindness bettie. I feel like your post title some today. I hate those thoughts.
God bless you. I got to hit the hay.
Cully21Way to go on the banning Bettie! I am so proud of you. May this be the best birthday present you ever treated yourself too. It sounds like some of the employees are rear ends. Oh well. The world is full of them. Don’t guess they will get a bonus from keeping you from banning now will they?
Stay out of that place and I like the idea of future banning. Remember, it is in writing now tha you are banned and not welcome there anymore. Even if you manage to get in and they turn their head, they will not turn their head if you win aa good amount and try to walk out of there. You will truly be gambling for no chance of winning whatsover if you go back in there.
Way to go.
Cully21Hi Paul.
I am so happy for you. You have made a tremendous differnce in my life. You are insightfull and have given me compassion and tough love that I need. I thank God for you my brother. I am still scared, but I will never give up the walk of life and recovery. I am headed to a health fair for work tommorow 95 miles away. I am kind of worried about the weather. The first and closest casino I banned from is about 80 miles from the town I am going too. I am still banned, on company time and will be in a rental car that needs returned on time, so I am safe from gambling tommorow. I kind of dread the drive becuase of the failures and emotions I have had on this highway, but I can do it.
You are one of many blessings and resources that God gave me. We may never meet face to face in this realm, but I know we will meet in the next my brother.
God Bless,
Cully21Hi Bettie:
My screen name is Cully21. I offer you a warm welcome here and I am glad you found this site. I believe I met you in group today. I look forward to meeting you more. You are welcome to visit my thread “New Wild Hair Gambling Procedure.” The community here has been very accepting of me and I have vented an awful lot about a lot of different things.
I have re-wrote this post several times and it came out long. I have a tendency to do that. Right now I am working on homework. I am a 43 year old male CG who works full time and goes to grad school ¾ time.
As far as the suicidal thoughts, I have dealt with them on both sides of the spectrum. I have dealt with PTSD, major depression, and anxiety due to a serious work accident 11 years ago. And yes, I have had those thoughts flash by after horrible gambling binges. It is not an option for me though since my former-ex wife committed suicide a year ago in February. We were married 21 years, divorced 2 years ago, she remarried for 6 months, and we were not on good terms, but she was part of more than half my life. Me and my kids will never be the same. I have a 23 year old daughter, a son who will soon be 21, and a daughter who is 18. My youngest lived with me for the past 2 years. I was moving on after the divorce fairly well, then the suicide re-dug a lot of stuff back up. That will be a lifetime recovery as well I suppose. The lady and the shock of what she did still hits me when I get out of be every morning. 30,000 people commit suicide in the U.S. each year, and this is a conservative number. For each person who commits suicide, at least 6 survivors are left behind, which is also a conservative number. I figured she left around 18. Also, statistics show that survivors are at higher risk of suicide at some point in there lives than non-survivors. Also, there are sources that claim that CG carries the highest suicide rate than all other addictions and CG is the second cause of suicide next to mental illness. I was so focused on dealing with depression risks and the risks of being a survivor and my kids, I did not realize I jumped into another high risk pool But as a recovering CG, I too am a survivor. I praise God for that. I don’t understand a lot of things, but I will praise him. He has walked me through a lot of stuff and he will continue to do so. Free will is something else. We have free will to do the right thing and the wrong thing. I have done both.
She too was facing foreclosure. It was not from gambling, but she was suffering from mental illness, a work injury herself, and got into a bad relationship. She was a medical professional, another high risk group, but that is what baffles me. She had so much talent and wisdom in that field and witnessed the devastation of death and suicide herself. I don’t understand it and you if you read my posts, you will see that I vent sometimes.
This is a good site and a good community. We all have baggage here and it is a safe place. I am glad you found us. We are all here for you.
Oh yeah. One thing I noticed that you and Salina mentioned that really stuck out. You both talked about waking up with thoughts of death. I don’t know if there is any correlation, but I have noticed dealing with my depression for 11 years. These thoughts would often come when I would wake up but try to force myself back to sleep. And sleep is a common escape of depression. But when I would finally get up, the thoughts would subside or go away and I would wonder how in the world I could think such thoughts. Depression has a vicious cycle. But for me, trying to not get up seemed to fan these thoughts. Again. I don’t know if there is any correlation with trying to force sleep and suicidal thoughts or not.
While I have had many challenges, I have overcome many obstacles as well. Some of it doesn’t make much sense, but God continues to walk me through it.
Well this looks like another long post. Sorry about that. It was nice to meet you in group today and I think the open chat that will start this Saturday will be promising.
The title of your post is eye catching, but I would keep it. There are many here who can relate and share with you and may it be a testimony of a successfull recovery for you.
God Bless and welcome to our community,
Cully21Hi Kathryn:
I want to thank for your support. I’m gonna Johnny Cash it for now on. That means "Walk the Line."
I will try to jump in the compuslive group early Monday morning. I am getting afraid to do it at work after during the other one. I have to keep this job. Keep my girlfriend. Keep my health. Keep the sheler I have. Keep out of trouble. It’s going to take a long, long time to repair relationships with my family. I still have one though.
Thanks and God Bless,
Cully21Hi Kathryn: Just want to wish you a great day and let you know I am doing better. I thank you for caring and helping me. You make a difference.
Cully21Dear Larry:
I am thinking and praying about you my friend. You give yourself to all of us unselfhishly. I am glad you are my friend. I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like God passed a lot of love and good to you through your brother. He does the same through you now, to us.
Thank you,
Cully21HI Kathryn:
I just want to say when I see a post on my thread with your name on it, it is a sight for sore eyes. I haven’t read all of your thread but are you in the medical proffession? I take my hat off to all in that proffession from the nurse aid on up. Whatever you do, I can tell you have empathy and compasision. I hope you have a good day.
Cully21I was given a wall hanging friday at a networking meeting. It says, "Live is not about waiting for the storm to pass…It is about dancing in the rain." I you and Laura’s post made me think about it, so I thought I would share it with you.
Your brother in arms,
Cully21