[crushedsoul]

March 14.
First of all- no more, icandothis,Debbie and williame- thank you for your words, ideas and support. Williame, I am going to send you an email.
I have not been able to let my debt go and give up this sickness. Although it is my greatest dream, I know it is a fantasy to recoup these losses. How sick is that? I used to have dreams of buying a house, moving in with my gf and really beginning to live. Now I dream of never having to see my bookie again or taking a final walk into the woods and never breathing again. I could never do that to my family though but just writing that last sentence and knowing the words are true… I can’t begin to describe the pain and tears stream uncontrollably. Im pathetic. Do you know what one of the worst feelings is? After you finish up a binge session, after all the games are over- I come to- and I am so very alone. Being heartbroken certainly isn’t helping matters. I have poured my heart out to her but I’m afraid she has moved on without me. I feel absolutely blindsided but that is another story. So, as you can see- I really am alone in this now. I went to see a therapist but I’m not sure if it is a good fit, I have only seen him once so far. As pathetic as all of this is to write, I can’t even afford the $25 per session it would cost me to continue therapy. I don’t know what to do anymore. I do know that I hate myself more and more everyday I continue this life.

[crushedsoul]

congrats on your 6 months free of gamble williame. I hope one day I can say the same. The days for me have been long and filled with worry, sadness and self hate. Gambling, for me, has not been fun for a very, very long time. These past two years have been the worst of my life as my gambling problems have continued to escalate. I’m ashamed to say I still haven’t quit. Still, after two years, roughly off + on of feeling like someone without a soul— I continue this parade of self destruction. My best friend and partner has moved on very recently and that has crushed me more than anything and has made me incredibly vulnerable and lonely. She doesn’t need me but the truth is, I am hurting without her. Badly. I don’t blame her though. I have pushed her away recently because I knew there was someone else and that really hurt me. How could we continue to be best friends if she can’t always be there for me? Maybe through shame I have pushed her away—I know she deserves better–but now that she has found someone else, it has hit me harder than a freight train. So, I’m really struggling to cope and I’m continuing to chase losses, compulsively. It hasn’t helped as you may have guessed. I’m trying to find a psychologist because i need to talk to someone but I am finding the process to be quite difficult… how do I chose the right Dr without reading reviews, knowing their expertise etc? There really seems to be a lack of info online. I certainly wouldn’t have surgery without making sure the Dr had good reviews—so why should I have my heart operated on blindly by some shrink who has very little info online, except their name. Today, I woke up as usual not wanting to breath, empty inside. I can’t see a light at the end of this tunnel.

[crushedsoul]

William, thanks for sharing- I feel like you were probably in a similar situation as me at one point. I’m glad you made it out in one sane piece. There is more to my story that I would like to share in the future but at this point I am still gambling on a daily basis, so – I’m not sure I should even be here yet. I am still trying to find a psychiatrist to talk to but as you might have guessed that is being delayed by my inability to give this game up. It’s 10:30 on a Sunday morning- I will more than likely be in this dark basement for the next 12 hours on a gambling binge. I will try to check in later and maybe even try the group therapy option on this site- is there a session that people attend on here?

[crushedsoul]

Thank you for the advice Larry, blue and uncontrolled.  Yesterday was the SuperBowl- AKA Gambling Amatuer Hour.  In a dark basement, alone I gambled all day again-I gained some money back but was still down 1k for the week so of course that just won’t help the situation.  My friend tried to get me out of my house, inviting me to go shoping with her and her sister but after telling her how low I was feeling I had to deny going and instead gambled more of my soul away.  I am ashamed to say, even to strangers that I owe 9k to an illegal bookie and another 7k to a bank with witch I borrowed 4k twice to cover my gambling losses. yea, so things are pretty scary for me.  If you couldn’t tell, my social life is pretty non-existent now as I can’t even afford to put more than 10 dollars in my gas tank.  The amount of money I have in my bank is only for the bills for the next two weeks–no frills at all- not even a pack of gum.  Does this sound like rock bottom to anybody else?  To anyone else, besides my two best friends- this knowledge would be a complete shock as I have kept this a total secret from my family.  My mom keeps sending me listings of houses she wants me to look at to buy—my parents would be absolutlely crushed if they knew what I have done to my life.  Just 2 hours ago I put my golf clubs on ebay- I don’t think I’ll be needing them anymore.

[crushedsoul]

I just finished up a 13 hour binge of gambling on basketball games.  Tried to chip away at my debt- but i added another 1500 in losses.  I have  completely isolated myself as i am in a state of uncomparable depression.  I have not been able to just let my losses go because of this anger i have against myself.  The amount of self hate I have is unbearable. I don’t feel it will be possible to recover from this.  I still have horrible thoughts.  I also have thoughts of taking a stand against the bookie and "holding court" on the street.  That is the amount of anger i have built up—-I am a ticking time ****

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