[Crb]

I feel so ashamed and awful. It’s been a bad couple of days of gambling. I did what I always do, I bet and won and had it set to withdraw then I reversed it and lost it and then some. I’m down $550 this time and I dont understand how I keep letting myself do this. I managed to figure out how to install the blocked software on the device I was using. But all I can think about is what other device can I use so I can play again and win back what I lost. I feel so weak, I feel so pathetic.

[Crb]

Back to square one. I came across a device I forgot I had that did not have blocking software. I have since spent several hours on the device and barely slept playing. I have shut off and put away the device. It will remain tucked away until my husband gets home and then I will quickly go through the device to make sure there is nothing I need to keep and then I will throw it away completely. I am unable to install gamban on it as it’s not connected anymore, I tried, and the screen is smashed up anyway. But I dont dare touch it until hes home or I’ll play some more. I am exhausted and ashamed, but I know slipups will happen. As long as I get up and try again that’s what matters. So here I am, dusting myself off and trying again

[Crb]

Here’s to the end of day 2. Today was busy giving me very little time to think about much with work and my childrens Christmas concert. But now that everyone has gone to bed that urge is back full force. I am thankful I have gamban installed on both of my devices. I think I will instead work on a nice wind down project and head to bed. On to the next 24 hours.

[Crb]

So it’s not quite a full day yet but its close. I immediately installed gamban on my laptop after yesterday’s post. I’ve had it on my phone for a bit already. I feel on and off like I wish I hadn’t because I want to play but that’s exactly why I needed to do it. Thank you everyone for your support. I’ll try to post here daily. I have been checking in to read some every day but havent been very active yet in the forum.

I have been trying to get myself back into other hobbies to distract, and have made a payment plan to pay off what debt I accrued for my family. I acknowledged the problem before it got too out of hand so in the next 6 months we should be through it. I lost about $6500 total since August of this year. The bulk of it has been in the last 40 days with me betting sometimes up to $250 a day. I’m focusing on getting back to a good financial place and keeping my husband in the loop every step.

I have also contacted a counseling service offered through my husbands work that will work with me on Grief and loss to work through my mother’s passing in a healthier way, and also help me with more tools regarding my compulsive/addictive tendencies.

Thank you again everyone who’s posted here. I do have a strong support system around me, but no one understands an addict better than an addict so it’s great to have a system that knows the lies my brain tells me every day and has been through it.

[Crb]

Thank you for checking in. Unfortunately I’m still working on getting through that 24. I’ve been getting longer stretches in between and tap out after 1 deposit is gone instead of chasing it with 3 or 4 more trying to get it back. Its progress but I know I need to get to the point where I dont feel like I need to play every day. I need to install the blocking software on my laptop but I’ve been reluctant to do it. It’s time to just do it and not allow myself to put it off anymore. 

[Crb]

I actually just came across the blocking software and downloaded. I had already put myself on self exclusion or on a break from all but 1 account. And now thanks to the blocking software I am locked out of the last one. Thankful for that. I was using online interactions, which is difficult to block. I did ask my husband to change my password to our online banking so I cant access it without him giving me access but he didn’t want to do that. I’m blocked from all the sites now though. And the casinos and bars are not a temptation for me luckily.

That said, I did lose $40 this morning before I found and installed the blocking software. So I’m back to only a few hours, but I’m feeling much more free from it with the security of the blocking software in place.

[Crb]

The support and insight on here is already so helpful. I am glad this exists. I’m working on my first 24 hours gamble free. I’m focusing on getting through today, one day at a time. I feel like this first 24 will probably be the hardest. I havent gone 24 hours without playing online slots since the end of October. I’ve only been awake a couple hours and already thought “just $10, $10 wont hurt”. But it will so I’m here instead.

To those who have replied this far, thank you so very much. I dont feel so alone in this anymore. I know I’m not the only one struggling. We can do this.

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