[Courage]

Thank you Lizbeth4

Ive made a plan to repay my debts. All bills and debts will be taken from my account automatically. I have cut up cards, I have to physically go into the bank. Though this is still easy it might slow down the process. I am carrying little money.
I dont feel like going into the world i just want to stay inside and never emerge. Ive caused this, i have to deal with it. I cant change what I’ve done. Im still shocked. I woke and thought its a dream and checked the account online to see it most definitely wasn’t. I feel sick and ashamed, i have so much guilt and regret. I will never understand how gambling has overpowered me to this point. I haven’t been able to stop. I am not someone who can gamble once and say oh ok well i wont gamble for another month. If i could do that i wouldnt be here. Gambling for me has no off switch at all until i am ruined. I can say now i am ruined. I can also say i want to change my life. I feel the lowest of lows. I feel pathetic.

Day 2
Courage

[Courage]

Thank you the one

Yes it is entirely my fault i blame no one else

Courage

[Courage]

Thank you Tony

I am sorry i couldn’t chat i was just so upset i couldn’t see the keyboard for tears. I have sunk to the bottom. The insanity is, its all my doing. Its all my responsibility.

Courage

[Courage]

Thank you to the one and Ryan

Your encouragement is really great thank you. I didnt make it. I feel worthless. I feel totally useless at this life.

Courage

[Courage]

Hi Ryan

Thank you for writing on my page. Im liking how positive you are sounding and i do understand that that when you feel a bit better about things it can be a dangerous time.
Im not in a good space right now in my head about this. Im trying very hard but not that positive now. I do find it helpful to read how others are doing it though and it might just help me to find that spark again thank you

Courage

[Courage]

Thank you Ryan

I wish i could come here and say i feel wonderfully positive about things but i dont. I feel like I’m losing this battle and dont know that i will ever be able to maintain this.
Its how i feel. I feel hopeless right now. I just feel its struggle after struggle after struggle. I always had a fighting spirit when things went bad, but so many things have gone bad time after time after time that i feel worn down now. I cant find that fighting spirit that i once had. I feel I’m fading. I dont know if il make it

Courage

[Courage]

Thank you the one

I loved your comment to me. It was nice to have a reply. I think the general theme i am getting is i have to leave the past behind me. It is hard. I am going to move forward i am hoping. Thoughts to gamble have hit but i will keep trying hard to see the way.

Courage

[Courage]

I feel like today was another hard day to start. Im having real trouble just doing normal things. Normal tasks that would normally be super easy. Its like my brain has gone into full meltdown mode and exhaustion has hit.
I feel like this mountain i have to climb is too big. Thoughts to gamble are starting. After all I have gone through? I wonder if this is just too hard? I dont know I’m strong enough. I feel vulnerable and alone. Im praying for the thoughts to be gone.

Courage

[Courage]

Im feeling confused. I think the reality of the situation combined with the uncertainty of things to come. It has my mind all in a spin and i cant think clearly. Im hopeful to survive this yet i feel as if part of me has gone insane.
Im hanging on to the hope of moving forward and leaving that life behind. To make progress no matter how small and slight. At the moment i feel i am a leaf blowing in the breeze not knowing where i will land or where i will end up. Its frightening being so lost.

Courage

[Courage]

Thank you Vera and the one for your replies to me.
Today i think i have found some sort of acknowledgement that i am truly sick when it comes to gambling. I think i am totally accepting its something i cannot ever do again. I have not one ounce of control when i start. I need to keep using support, here, i will attend gamblers anonymous meetings and i will do what ever other support i can find. I want this out of my life, i want a life. Its time.

Courage

[Courage]

Today the realisation is kicking in more. The reality. Its not a good place to be. I cant help but be furious at myself I cant help but want to throttle the hell out of myself for my stupidity. Its going to be a long road ahead. I wouldnt wish this addiction on anyone. Its just too big to deal with.

Courage

[Courage]

Today i am at a low. Ashamed, shocked, and overwhelmed. The impact gambling has had on me is devastating. I feel like I’ve been strangled. I cant comprehend what has happened. It is too big for me. I feel ike gambling has stolen not only all my lifetime savings and finances but it has taken years from me. Gambling has stolen my life. It has stolen my personality, my potential as a person. My drive. My love of life. It has squashed and flattened me to nothing. Im stuck. I dont know how to get over it. I wont gamble

Courage

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