[Courage]

Thanks velvet for your kindness.

The week has been hard but i believe my rock bottom has been found. Out of the rock bottom i have found such pain and misery, such sadness and complete loss of self worth. I have also found a spark of that hope that makes me want to survive this and continue. I know that i can have a life if i keep going.
I feel as though i have woken from a coma, looking around and being in disbelief at what i now find. I am shocked at what i have done but i cannot change it. I am disappointed and confused but i have to work through it. I really created a mess so i need to clean it up but i can see that this process is going to take a lot of time and planning.
I feel stuck like i dont know which way to turn, what to do. Little simple things are so hard right now.
I have done some things to help me. It has been incredibly hard to even achieve a normal day each day of this week.
I attended counselling which really helped me just empty my head and unscramble my brain a little, to gain some perspective. I made an account a joint account so i need another signature to withdraw from savings.
I vow to carry little cash each day only what i need at the minimum, though that wont be hard, there will be minimum!
I have set up direct debits to debt and repayments over a long period of time.
Im really just so sick of the life that i had that i have to try to create a new one that i am happy in. It is just time i need right now to heal. I feel broken and completely cracked open, I’ve come undone and I’m not sure how long its going to take me to find my way again. What i am holding on to however is that spark. That one tiny spark that glows in the darkness, that says, you can do this.

Courage

[Courage]

To Vera and Velvet thank you very much for your comments to me

[Courage]

Today amongst the darkness I feel, the anxiety, a feeling of dread, there is one tiny spark of light that i see as possibility. What if i can stop. What if i never do back to gambling? it would be a dream come true for me if i could never return.
I have deceived myself so often, so many times for so many years with gambling. I can honestly say this is truly the bottom. Gambling is no fun

[Courage]

Im trying to see the positive. Someone said fake it till you make it. At this point i have to. I have to put a smile on my face at times when i feel i cant. I have to just get through this day in the hope there will be better ones. This is what addiction does, destroys and takes away me. It will take some time for me to recover. I never want to go through this again.

[Courage]

How painful it is to feel reality, and know i alone have created the mess i am now in. The darkness is all around me right now, its surrounding me, its throughout me, i feel i have sunk right to the very bottom.
How foolish and selfish i have been. What i have lost! What i regret, how guilty i feel, how ashamed i am.
Its not just the money which i feel sick enough about. its the time, i realize now that time can never again be. Those days and months and years are lost and I have slowly drifted through in a haze of days to a point now where i have woken up. This is a very hard day to get through. I want to express my feelings as they are. How i find them. The truth in them, i need to be real. Its the beginning of my journey. I will find my way. I have to. There is no other choice now but to survive this. Whatever purpose gambling was serving me has come to an end.

Courage

[Courage]

Thanks Ig

I know exactly what you mean about that moment. The moment i say who cares and i just do it, nothing stops me then.
Im pretty emotional today. Im very overly sensitive and my emotions change from one minute to the next. I feel I’m really going crazy. Not going crazy. I am crazy.
Im dumbfounded by this addiction. I never thought something like this could ruin my life. I never would have believed it. I remember as a young girl dreaming what my life would be like when i was a woman. The years have passed and passed and passed. I feel like i am nothing. I feel like I am an insignificant invisible nothing. I didnt want to look in the mirror at myself. I looked with detest at my eyes. I felt pathetic. Thats how i feel today plain and simple

Day 2

Courage

[Courage]

Thank you Monique for your response

Today is a bad day for me. Today is once more day One.
I have to say I know I’ve said its rock bottom. My life became unbearable yesterday. My life was almost non existent. Things have now happened that just shocked the life out of me. Terrible things for me that i just cant fathom. Out of gambling i have lost a lot of money, sanity, but what i realised was the lost opportunities. Decades wasted. Ive never thought of the opportunities lost. It struck a chord within me. I am exhausted and bewildered. I just honestly feel like dying . i feel like my very soul is just screaming for help. God i never imagined my life this way. Ive wasted it. All the money is gone and the time is gone. I was looking at a group of young motivated people today and i was crying inside. For the young me that took the wrong turn.

Courage

[Courage]

Lost hope

Well I’ve not only lost all hope I’m actually losing my mind. Im not thinking logically, I’m living in a delusion. I hate myself.
One day if i stop. If i make it. I will come back and tell you all. Until then, what is the point of me complaining about my life when i feel i cant even change it. I know people will say you can. Right now i actually cant. I dont see much hope, i dont see any way out of this. I just have to survive, thats my number one goal for the day. Hope one day i can come back with better news.

Courage

[Courage]

Thank you Charles

That was nice of you to comment on my diary i know you are a moderator here and have been very kind when i have chatted to you in the groups.
I am at the bottom. Gambling has well and truly ruined my life.
I cannot explain in words how hard it is for me to stop.
I know i need help, i know i need to do more. Its just when i am in that mad crazy state i cannot stop. It doesnt matter what advise i am given or how i feel, i just cannot stop and will not help myself when i am like that because i truly at the time cant stop and think i am helping myself by going to win.
Its a joke. Im demolished as a person now. I am sick. I feel willing to try again. But i dont trust that thinking, i dont trust anything or anyone anymore. I feel empty and i feel useless.

Courage

[Courage]

Thank you I did it and Kin

I dont have much to say. I didnt make it. The pain in my life seems to be too great. When i gamble i dont feel it. I tried. Ive tried many times over the years to stop. Im not someone this is going to work for. Im not feeling sorry for myself. Im simply being realistic. It doesnt work for everyone. In fact it works for very few. Im one of the ones it doesnt work for or ever will. I’m now convinced. Its consumed me.

Courage is all out of courage

[Courage]

Thank you the one

There is a slight shift in my thinking. There is a glimmer more hope i am feeling. A little more peace. Something is changing the slightest bit but i notice it. I have no thought to gamble right now. I am trying to now think of today and what is to come. I do have the opportunity now to repair. To rebuild. To be the person i want to be. I dont know who that is but maybe i will find out. Small progress but progress

I dont gamble

Courage

[Courage]

Thank you the one

I am just holding on to that little bit of hope to find my way through. It is hard. I have assessed the damage fully now and I am heartbroken. Never did i believe this is how my life would be. I wish i could start over. To be young and to start again and never gamble. This has taught me to not take the days for granted. Thats what i am realising. Ive lost years and years.
They are gone. Decades gone. I am left with the wreckage.
I did it. How absurd. One day i hope there is more discovered about addiction. I think its only been scratched at the surface. One day i think they will look back and say people used to do these things to themselves!!!
Imagine if the world was banned of gambling, alcohol, drugs a world without these, wow, wonder if in the future that will happen? I have to get out of the dream world though and look at the here and now.
So this is the life I’ve created. Now to deal with it. One baby step at a time. I think I’m just scraping through. Im crawling through my days. Hopefully one day i can walk in recovery.
I feel so alone.

Courage

[Courage]

Thank you Ryan

I am finding it quite difficult to get through the days. Reality is here. Its not pretty right now. It is going to take time to feel better i know. Im feeling the full force now of the situation that i alone have created. I feel exhausted, like never before in my life.

I dont gamble

Courage

[Courage]

Thank you the one

I hope i never gamble again. I never ever want to go into that hell again. Thats what gambling is to me now. Hell.
I take this very seriously now about stopping. Its not a joke for me. There is no safe gamble for me. If i gamble, i am gambling with my life. I dont gamble anymore

Courage

[Courage]

Amidst the pain

This is what i have found today. I think i have found what i would say is acceptance. I dont feel the fight at this point, there is not fight. i think maybe why i gambled for so long is simply i thought one time i would be able to do it, next time i will do it, next time i will be ok. There has been thousands of next times that only turned to disaster every single one of those times. I just feel like a lightbulb has been turned on. I dont think anyone else could get me to this point, i think i had to go through it. I had to find acceptance. Right now i fully 100 percent accept, i cannot gamble.

Courage

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