[CornishLass]

turns out that I can manage to gamble away more in a couple of days than I can in a almost a year.
Starting again. One day bet free.

[CornishLass]

Have been trying to distract myself with work and for the most part it’s ok. Just every few hours or so it hits me. Big wholop in the gut and all of it just rushes into my head. Big tangle of terror which just freezes me in my tracks. Still, two days free.

[CornishLass]

Nothing is worth this. Various blocks in place, one day at a time.

Have spent most of the day looking into alcohol issues – partly cause thought I might as well try to sort out drinking whilst dealing with the gambling – also is less painful for me to look at alcohol dependency than gambling.  Looking at gambling sends me into a very dark place because it just seems so so ridiculously stupid. Drinking way to much for way to many years seems easier to explain.

Thanks for your words.

[CornishLass]

Think the different thing to try is to understand that I can’t win financially. That money has gone. That seems impossible to accept.  Logically I know that I can’t regain what I’ve lost over the past decade +, also understand that I should be wise to the fact that I couldn’t hold on to a win. But still, I’d be lying to myself if I really truly accepted that. Honesty don’t know how to get past the voice that says 

Well maybe you can just recoup some

Just writing that and it’s just occurred to me that perhaps I need to place more value on myself and my sanity than I do on money. Obvious I guess. Now need to figure out how to separate values and how to value myself? Something like that anyway 🙂

[Author]

Posts