[CornishLass]

The absolute best thing for me about this forum is knowing that I’m not alone. That’s a big thing. Thanks to all.
X

[CornishLass]

Yep day 10 🙂 Yes Lizbeth – believe will get easier, think months and years but yes.
Laura – don’t know, still finding my way forward. Right now nothing causes gambling urges they just are there so just kinda acknowledging them and trying to remind myself of the damage those urges have previously caused.
Lot of bills coming in that could so easily have been taken care of if last gambling spree had not happened. Very sobering!

[CornishLass]

I’ve not been posting because I’ve really wanted to gamble. I haven’t but it’s been difficult. Think it will get better with time but tough right now.

[CornishLass]

To everyone. Roll on tomorrow.

[CornishLass]

Day 6. As said ok but not ok, bit wobbly. Partner is downstairs right now – it’s the world cup football going on – I’m upstairs in bed. This is one of those classic I can gamble times. No worry of interruption or it seeming strange that am going to bed so early. Absolutely good time to gamble is what old me would say, new me is just confused, grumpy and a little bit lost.
Roll on day 7.

[CornishLass]

Thank you both, Laura & Monica.
Thoughts on day 6, in between work have been doing alot of distracting sorting and tidying around the house. In the sorting I came across a ring, it’s a lovely ring – not expensive – I remember buying it as a push gambling deposits down the online statement view thing. Anyway I found it and remembered that the lady that made it describes it as a wedding band. It’s made of iron I think, heavy. I put it on and found myself say – with this ring I will not gamble. Oddest moment. It really felt like it meant something. I’m going to wear it everyday for as long as feels right.

[CornishLass]

Appreciate your thoughts Monica. 

Would love to say that I’m at the stage where I want to not gamble / drink but truth is I’m more at the stage where I realise that in order for me to have a chance of a happy life I simply can’t do those things. The chance of happiness / peace is possible if I can just shut up that screaming child in my head that shouts to gamble / drink.

Day 5.

[CornishLass]

This is where I’m at.

Good things
Slept well last night which is a first for a very long time.
Managing to not start drinking alcohol like a fish which I’ve done in the past.
Every now and then I forget what I’ve done.

Not so good things
Guilt and more guilt.
Scared of everything.
Super emotional, look like a kinda madwomen that will either attack you or break down at any moment.
Really want to crack open a bottle / case of wine.

Day 4 of everything.

[CornishLass]

Still in a pretty dark place but day 3 is day 3.

[CornishLass]

Thoughts. Earlier I wrote on someone’s page to remember that they were not alone. Been pondering that and think was wrong. We are alone. At least for recovery. Think, for me at least, it has to come from me. Strength to face what I’ve done, strength to accept losses, strength to continue a bet free life. Strength to get a effing grip. Take control.

[CornishLass]

Thought would say hi cause new here also. Like you am dealing with the lies. Lot of guilt not to mention embarrassment, shame, disbelief, horror probably a ton more 🙂
If I shared with partner it would be the third time down this path and right now I just don’t have the energy.
Wish you well and remember you’re not alone.

[CornishLass]

One of the madest things that I’ve been doing for years is spending post gambling.
Part of the cycle is, insane online gambling, mad panic with thought of partner seeing deposits via online banking, so solution was to buy lots of different items to push gambling deposits as far as possible down the screen. The problem of course was twofold – first, very little money and second was time. Solution was Pounding lol. Looking at bank statements you really would wonder why on earth I go to Poundland weekly and pay for each £1 item individually. Lots of items.

Day 2 – again.

[CornishLass]

Am pleased for you that sharing helped. Think am going to keep quiet for a bit. Perhaps need to show myself that mean business this time. Have put as many blocks in place as poss – online slots is / was main problem. Still kind of reeling with reality of last losses, madness, – no point in dwelling on past so whilst head is in sand, chin is up. Slightly wobbly mind you 🙂

[CornishLass]

Appreciate thoughts Laura . Just amazes me that everything I go completely overboard I think gosh it can’t ever get worse than this…it can and it does 🙂 Like am truly trying to destroy my life on purpose. 

In terms of limiting finances,  kinda complicated but also part chicken and part haven’t got heart to involve partner yet again. Guess might change mind on that but hovering between putting as many blocks in place as possible and putting head in sand. 

One day at a time.

[CornishLass]

Hi Flit, hope going well. I’ve not involved my partner yet, it’s the third time I’ve gone down this road in terms of seriousness of consequences and I just don’t have the heart to involve him yet again. Like you though I finally feel ready to be gamble free so crossing fingers for us both.

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