[Claire3]

Dear, I need some help. My in laws don’t support me and they don’t believe me. My husband keeps telling me he is not addicted. Am I crazy for really believe he is? I am lost.

Huge thank you
Carla

[Claire3]

Thank you for your words. My first meeting was strange, intimidating, warm and full of love and acceptance. It is just a bit weird to open up ourselves to people we barely know and we need to keeo our anonymity. No doubt is a place where we can find acceptance and support that we are not alone.
About my husband, now I have no doubt he is a compulsive gambler and I feel proud of myself for being able to move away from his sickness and the consuming routine that his condition put us in. It wasn’t easy neither is now. It is strange that even being so obvious sometimes I still find myself dreaming about a reality that doesn’t exist anymore. And that brings me the idea that we need to let go. I needed to ask myself what I need and what I want. And after that move in a way to let go what I want in order to achieve what I need. It takes time. It is still like I am stuck in a nightmare and someone is going to wake me up. But day by day. I realize that the only person able to wake me up is myself. I know it is not about not loving us anymore, but he is blind and his first priority is not his commitment to us. And this is so harmful. At least here I have my life, I went back to studying, planning to validate my degree to finally be able to be independent from him financially. I am detaching from him each day that I have been living here and showing myself that I can make it. Even tough I know he would need someone close to him, I have decided that it won’t be me nor our children. I made a choice and that was for keep my sanity and protect my children. We are still in transition and requires some time. I am not sure if I love him as much than I used to. I have learned thatwe need ti love ourselves, respect ourselves and I probably won’t find in this relationship what I am looking for my life. To survive the pain, I found peace in being grateful for what I have now. So it is easier to make what I have enough. Give me strength to believe that I can make it. I reached a point where I don’t really care about him. Because I shouldn’t. That hurts, ut it is how I believe I will find my way out. I have to play idiot in order to avoid him totally abandoning our children and it worth it. Day by day I am resescoveringmyself, and this is amazing. I have a new life, my children are here, I have a lot to thanks to God. A lot! Including all that painful experience because at the end it is part of who I am and who I am becoming. But it is not easy. The prices it comes with includes focus, tears, fears but also a strong faith in life, God, myself and the belief that this life is amazing and a gift.

For marshmellow, it is amazing that you are seeing a psychologist. It is going to help you to see it from the outside. I will be thinking about you and please tey to keep this time with yourself to yourself. Do not think about what was before. If so, you may miss that you have beside you roght now. There is also things to be grateful for. And you are totally free to make whatever decision you want to, including staying with him. And it is possible if you need to learn to live with it without suffering. You need to recover yourself and fir that you don’t necessarily need to leave him. It is up to you. It is your life and we are here to support you in which way you decide to follow. Just do not forget that every morning, when you wake up, you are being blessed with the miracle of live. And every day you really have a chance to start changing your life and your options about how to manage whichever desicion you are going to make. Enjoy your trip, take a good care of yourself and do not forget that this life is brief and we have the righr to live it however we want to. And pain always makes us stronger. Be good to yourself.
xx

[Claire3]

hello! Thank you for writing. I am really sorry about the situation you have described and I hope I can help you, in anyway. I can only imagine what you are going through. It really sounds hard having to deal with three addictions together. But, trust yourself. I have learned so many things. One of those is that, in spit of your husband’s choices, you are responsible for ever choice you make. And it is hard. But can also bring you some kind of relief. I know how painful it is when we need to watch a lovely one going down so badly, and, at the same time have our hands so tied. We want do to something, don’t we? We feel in some way responsible. Hold on, we are talking about my spouse, someone who was supposed to be the most intimate relationship, we have told ourselves that we are going to take care of each other, in health or sickness, and now he is really sick, what am I supposed to do? And what about all the dreams we bith turn in to plans for the future? Well, forget about it. There are two different worlds. The one we wish could be the real one, and other we have so difficult to face that we prefer to believe is going to be fixed. Everybody used to tell us love is magic, powerful and can change everything. so what is it right now? The thing here is, love is powerful for sure, but it cannot change a situation related to someone that doesn’t want to change it. This is not about love, is about allowing us to bec slave to suffering. And, just in my opinion, even though we are living in a so painful situation somehow it became our “confort zone”. Leaving it is going to ask us to make a lot of changes in ou own lives. In a way that is more comfo dealing with the well known suffer than try to create a better life. The way out that we are all looking for is so personal that I really cannot give you any suggestions for that. But I invite you to try to see your life from outside. Then, honestly, answer you if this is what you want to. And teust me, the answer may not be so obvious. Just after you really have decided about your own life, you are going to be able to make any decisions. And, trust me here, it doesn’t matter which way you are going to chose, it is going to be painful for sure. So do not be afraid of it. You are going to survive. I left my husband in another country and you know something? It was the best thing I made. But for me, my children. It doesn’t mean it would work for you, as well. Bit this way it doesn’t affect me and my children so strongly. This morning he wrote me down a few things and one pf them was apologize he isn’t here to help me to fix some issues I have had with the house. I thanked him but it was just a way to keep manipulating me and showing me how much he is a good person. I agree, that is one of the reasons why I married him. But now he isn’t. And I told him that. I told him he wasn’t supposed to be here and he had nothing to apologize for, but he was supposed to send us money and give us what he promised: ban himself from that place of s. I have so many things to take care of here and I am all alone. And if he really can help me, it would be better and smarter if he stopped apologizing, put his shit together and get it done. Tonight I am going to join a meeting from gan om. I need to help myself. It was his choice to f up his life, not mine. And for nothing in this world I am going to allow him to pull me and our children to the rock bottom. He goes alone. If that is what he wants to. But I have been suffering a lot, crying, but it wouldn’t be different if I were there, waiting for a miracle. I just decided to suffer and learn how to live without him, wi his love, our plans, the life we have had for almost 18 years. I do hope I can find the light in the end of all of this crazy darkness. 

Take care, dear. 

[Claire3]

About the psychiatrist I keep going there because of my treatment for depression. I have a tendency to be depressed and so many things happened that I am on medicines now. Also for anxiety. It is something I want to try to stop but I am quite sure it is not the time for that. The psychologist I think I need to change to someone more specialized in addiction to help me better. I will keep you posted.
Claire

[Claire3]

Hi, dear. Thank you for your message. It made me feel supported. I am stuck here. I don’t know what to do. It is like a caught 22 situation. He wants to give our family and our marriage one more try. I do as well. But not to live in the hell again. And the hell is seeing my husband being controlled by his needs of gambler. He told me I have nothing to worry about but I guess it is the same that most of them used to tell when they are in the denial process. He tells me he knows when to stop but the reality is I saw how exhausted he was. Like he had been gambling during a lot of nights in a row and working during the daytime. I didn’t say no because I want to give it a try. Because I low him, because of our children…. But now after 24 hours I am thinking about everything I have been learning to and I can see clearly myself in that web of lies, “acceptance”, afraid of confrontation, and the game where he pretends to tell the truth and I pretend to believe. What good can come up from a situation like that?
Love
Claire

[Claire3]

I am again in the waiting room to see my psychiatrist now. As a doctor medicines for depression don’t scare me. I have decided I needed something to help me.
I have been reading a lot about it, addiction to gambling problem and what I understood is that medicines, like bupropion, may help a lot, since it also has a interaction with the levels of dopamine in the brain which is similar to the effects produced when someone addicted is gambling. But I need to tell you how important is to have a therapist able to help with it – in some opinions more than medicines. Specially because those medicines used to have side effects before it starts showing the benefits. Sometimes it may be hard for them to handle it. And it is easy giving up. You don’t have how to “control” if he is taking the medicines properly but it is easy to control if he is attending therapy. Maybe you should talk to him about it. I strongly suggest you, in case he accepts it, go for a consultation first and, if possible, do not let him know. Usually therapists specialized in it know how to deal it since they are aware how easy is for them be in the net of lies and manipulations that usually comes with this addiction. I could suggest you do not insist on going there with him. If he goes, it is the first step. You can also look for a therapist to yourself, which I strongly suggest you to do asap, and try to make both therapists working together, if tour husband gives them consent for it.
I know that pain. I know how much we worry for someone we love. How much we keep attached to the good memories and relying on the good heart they have to help us cope with which I call “survival mode”. I would like to email you. Donyou have any you can givee here?
Love
Claire

[Claire3]

Dear Sandy
I am not sure if a good psychologist is going to give you any directions to follow but, instead, helping you to make your own decisions. That can take sometime but for sure is going to support you.
I can’t tell if confronting him is going to be good. Instead maybe you should think what you expect from this confrontation? After that you can try to see if showing the pictures is the best way to reach there. From my prospective it will just tell him you have been worrying enough to follow him and he probably need to be more careful but I don’t think it is a good way in trying to change him. I know it is hard, but you cannot make him change. He must wants to. Just you can tell how much suffering and how it is affecting your life and your children. Honestly it is a personal decision but consider that, sometimes, is better split for a while so you can focus on your wellbeing and take a better care of your children than living in a suffering. I understand that it is hard to leave any situation which we are adjusted to. You wish to be happy but are you happy now? So how can you get there? Is it fighting for your marriage and your husband? So go for it. Look for a good psychologist specialized in addiction and use all resources you have. Maybe even loving your husband a lot and tour family you know that relationship can’t bring you happiness anymore. But it is also scary, because it means you will need to make a huge change. And big changes are scary. But they are also necessary in life. I hope I could have helped you.
Love
Claire

[Claire3]

Hi, dear. First of all I want to send you a huge hug of compassion and understanding. I want to tell you are not alone, as you can see. I honestly don’t know what to tell you that can give a way in which direction you should follow. I am also lost. I can tell you it is so easy to believe them because we want to. More than that, we need to believe. It is our denial process. Since we accept they are not going to change and it possibly will become worse, so we will find ourselves in a deep pain as soon as we realized we have nothing to do to effectively help the men we love. I believe this is what we both are avoiding. Do you believe that yesterday he got all of his salary and I, in a desperation action, went to casino and found him gambling when he was supposed to be working and after he told me “i am not addicted”, I wanted to believe him. I believe him…. and for some minutes my world became possible to live in again. It was around 4:30. I suggested him to go back to his job. We barely talked about what had just happened. After two hours I was in tears and living the same feeling of desperation, frustration and everything that comes with this addiction. I know the truth. But that few hours that I, for some reason, believed to his words made me feel so happy. I am right now waiting to see a psychologist to learn how to make my decisions alone, to acknowledge my pain and to find my way of letting him go… out of my life. I will write later if you want to. You are strong, but this situation consumes and drains us. Find your way to recover part of your energy. Wish you all the best. Hugs with love,
Claire

[Claire3]

Dear Velvet

Thank you for your words and advices.
Today he got his monthly salary and he took everything out of the bank and wasn’t in his office. I caught him in the casino gambling at 4:30pm and he told me he is not addicted because he is still playing soccer. No wedding ring. I am devastated to see it. I had a panic attack. It is a nightmare and I need to wake up from it.
Claire

[Claire3]

It is so sad put so much effort in describing my situation and just have a couple of people worried in giving me some kind of support. I am sorry to say, I am disappointed.
All the best for everyone in here
Claire

[Claire3]

yes, it just turned some lives upside down. My ten years old told me he wish our lives could become rainbow and sunshine again but his father doesn’t love us anymore. I tried to explain that right now he is not being responsible because he is also suffering. But inside of me. OMG, I cannot explain to you. I agree with you about the industry. They don’t care. It is a shame what the wrong desire for money can turn in people to.

xx

claire

[Claire3]

Thank you very much for your words and support. It means a lot in this world of denial, disappointment, loneliness and feelings of lost. I am sorry I didn’t understand your FF cycle.
I will be waiting for your another message. Take your time. Take care of your house and guests.
I appreciated what you did.
Love
Claire

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