[chubbycat]

Hi everyone I am no longer using this thread i am going back to my original..
P

[chubbycat]

Hi everyone sorry to be such a downer, i am posting this so it may help someone else. I really tried so hard, i really did, almost five months. I did everything i could and it took me one moment of insanity to totally ruin myself again. I am totally shattered. I am devastated. If you think of going back think of this. When i returned this time i lost more quicker than i have ever done. The progression is scary. It is frightning how quickly it got hold. For one irrational minute i thought that $30 dollars wouldnt hurt. there went all i had worked for two days later. I just feel like giving up. I feel like going to sleep and never waking up..i simply dont know how to get through this again. it is agony. It is torture. I cant settle, i am so anxious and such a nervous wreck. I just dont know how to do this again
Chubby

[chubbycat]

Nope not going to make this
🙁
Chubby

[chubbycat]

Well thanks. I can’t sleep. It is 3 30am i am on my phone in bed. Have to get up in 3 hours. How will I work? I
going over in my mind how I came to do it. It was such a frenzy. Its just so sick. On goes the mask of everything is ok when it is far from ok within me. I need patience for this to pass. The little families all asleep. Still have food. Fuel. The things needed daily but my sanity and savings are gone. I can smile at others. I can mask it. I have learnt to do this for the sake of others. Yesterday I was told i have a wonderful nature and positive attitude. I have become the actress. **** it till you make it they say. I know this will pass. I know it will be ok. It is just pain right now and you my friends are the only ones who know my true feelings today. Time will help me let go but right now things are raw and reality is not so pretty. I am grateful my family are well and happy. I need to be more careful. I need to not give up. If I could only stop my mind. I will get through this. Thanks for your support.
Chubby

[chubbycat]

Thank you to all who posted. You never know how much you help me by your replies. Big mistake was saving a pile of cash thinking that would be ok. Very silly move. Anyway I really want to just say thank you for the support. It eases the pain I feel right through my heart.
Chubby

[chubbycat]

Ugh i dont know how to get through.. i just need to vent. I am so mad at myself i really am. I dont know how i will get through the day i feel insane i really do

[chubbycat]

Thank you so much everyone for your words of encouragement. I am in a pretty bad place at the moment. It was not just the relapse that lasted 2 full days and almost nights aswell, it was the amount i went through.. i am disgusted and heartbroken. What a waste, i had managed to save and i had tried so so hard to get that money. I feel sick. I feel scared this disease is going to kill me. I have to stop for good. Why does my stupid brain forget the pain. When i get time up and life is going great i deliberately ruin it or that is how it seems. My usual coping mechanisms just werent there, i usually call someone or have that will i or wont i. This time i didnt feel it, i cant remember thinking anything. I just walked in and started when i was passing somewhere and the usuall thing, back and forth and back and forth. What a nightmare. What an awful part of me. I dont know how to get through this one i feel so bad
Chubbycat
— 1/6/2013 8:45:15 PM: post edited by Chubbycat.

[chubbycat]

Well. Not very happy with myself. In fact i feel a total mess. I relapsed. I see its when i wanted to stop posting. Have been heading that way. Looks like i haven’t changed as much as i thought. It was a complete bender i just feel so sad. Almost 5 months… 🙁

[chubbycat]

***** Hetty was nice to see you in chat today us early birds up in the first hours of sunlight.. You are going great Hetty, you have been strong from the start and i love how you say you have accepted you cant gamble that is the part we fight and you have got it straight up
Good on you girl
Chubby

[chubbycat]

Hi SG keep going, hang in there, you are doing really really well… it is hard in recovery some days, just because we dont gamble doesnt mean everything is rosey but its usually better than the aftermath of gambling.. i struggle badly too some days, keep your chin up, keep coming here..i sometimes go on and on and on when i post here and was going to take a break but then i realized that is part of what is helping me to be in recovery.. always reach out, its when we dont trouble happens
Chubby
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[chubbycat]

— 1/3/2013 9:16:36 PM: post edited by chubbycat.

[chubbycat]

Hi live life you can get an online blocker for your computer called bet filter.. it will stop you accessing sites it may help you
Chubby

[chubbycat]

Thank you Sherry and Carole
Thanks for saying you are proud of me Sherry it made me teary.. thanks for your support too Carole.. I like your idea of painting or doing something.. My main weapon against gambling now is my phone. Talking to another recovering compulsive gambler is the greatest help to me. They help me unravel my muddled thinking. I am thinking of some fun hobbies and things i can do too to do also.
I am starting to feel like taking a break from the site.. alarm bells instantly go off in my head.. my thoughts cant be trusted, what do you think, take a break? hmmm maybe i should look at why i want a break. Why why why.. is my head being sneaky? Am i sabotaging? or is my break actually a good idea.. what does the past tell me. Well most of the ***** i have not come back here i have gambled. Last time i had a break i hadnt but most ***** i had. Last time i had little access to a computer too. So this is how my recovery has changed, i question my motives now, i question my questions and i ask advice from others, not myself because it is myself that gets me into trouble..
Chubby

[chubbycat]

Hi Vera
I saw on someones thread that you are taking a break.. i hope that the break is a good one for you. Be safe Vera, miss seeing you here
Chubby
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[chubbycat]

Hi Larry
Well just another thought on the subject of banning incase what i said came across the wrong way. Because i cant ban here i found it daunting when i would hear people say if you dont ban you will gamble thats what was coming across to me and it scared the hell out of me because i cant ban here. When i say i am glad you haven’t banned i just mean you are an example of recovery without banning, you have done a few years without banning and i think that it is good for people who cant ban to see there is another way. If i had the choice to ban from all venues here, i would sign up in an instant. Here the venues are individual and there are hundreds so going into each venue is not only senseless but pretty much impossible. I banned from 18 venues at one stage, i had to walk into each of those venues to ban. It covered maybe a five minute radius. I think people who have the banning option are very lucky if i can use that word because i do think it could help take the pressure off. Then again i have to deal with what i have available. i cant change that decision by our government though i have tried but my little voice did not get heard. When i felt that i was out of hope because i didnt have this option available it was people like you and at GA who gave me hope that it can be done regardless. My banning is similar to your mental banning. Also working on the steps of the GA program is like a banning to me, it kind of bans me from going because it changes me as a person. Working on changing myself so that even if a venue is in distance and accessible i will not walk in there. One day this government may change the laws on banning in the state of Queensland. I really hope they do, but untill then i plod along and do my day at a time and go to GA and come here and read all these wonderful posts and chat to all the wonderful people here. Recovery can be done in many ways. Whatever works for each individual i think. I recently had bad urges and it was the mental ban and the things i had learnt through working on myself and how to deal with the urges as they come that have worked. I am grateful there are options.
Chubby

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