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I apologise Lorraine for misunderstanding part of your post. I tried to read between the lines and misread your meaning.
I’m sometimes very wary about giving advice, because I feel that if I can’t handle my own life then what makes me qualified to give others advice. I think it’s because I’ve been there and bought the T-Shirt a thousand times that I seem to relate and recognise other peoples situations much clearer than I can see my own.
I hate seeing others struggle on here and in general and wish I had a solution to every problem, but I’m just not qualified sadly. However, I can’t help myself from offering support whenever and wherever I can. I’m sure someone more qualified than me will come up with some ideas for you.
You seem to be alone in your struggles and the simple things like a good hug and a cup of coffee with someone who can relate to and understand you is all we need to help us sometimes. I can only imagine how hard it is to have the burden of this addiction and to then have to be strong for off spring and family too. I find it a struggle just being strong for me at times, so I really do feel for you.
I can only suggest that you call an old friend or two if that’s possible, maybe one that you used to hang out with and instigate a coffee meet so that you can have a good chin-wag. It’s escapism you need by the sounds of it, something that breaks up the everyday routine. We all need that! We all know that we used to look in the wrong place for escapism in the past i.e. the gambling world and it is hard replacing that once we stop.
Maybe look up local activity classes or groups? It’s something I will have to do at some point. We all need something that’ll get us back into circulation and mingling again, a distraction. Speaking for myself, I found gambling such an unsociable activity and it does erode our social skills bit by bit. It’s not easy remembering what to do to get to know new people again.
In the meantime there are some fantastic people on here, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that and please keep posting. I want to give you as much support as I possibly can and I’m sure others more capable than me do too.
Sending you a big virtual ((((((((H U G))))))))) and keep your chin up, we will all get to where we want to be by supporting each other whichever way we can.
Have a lovely day.
Charlster
I’ve managed to make a right mess of my life so far and I’m 52, why should I suddenly think that I can live the rest of my life differently than the previous 52 years without getting outside help? If I go it alone, why will my next 20 years be different to the previous 52? Fact is, they wont be. I’ve proved over and over again that I haven’t got the tools to fly solo at the moment. GMA could be the saving of me.
What have you got to lose by going to GMA?
If you read all of your posts back Mav, they are full of everything that you have lost. The content is all about loss. The way I see it, you have a chance here to do something with no risk at all. Going to GMA seems to be filling you with apprehension and an element of dread, but it seems the one thing in your life right now that is actually risk free. If you don’t go, you risk losing so much, if you do go, you risk losing nothing, but could gain everything.
I’ve been told it’s natural to feel like you are before committing to therapy, but if you step back and assess things, it’s the one thing in your life right now that makes sense.
People are willing to help you change your mental attitude and your thinking and the way you live your life. This is a priceless opportunity that has to be grasped with both hands and both feet. Try and stay positive mate, you’re nearly there.
Going over and over the same negative thoughts mean you either stagnate or regress. It’s time to try and move forward. By the way, your life is very much alive, you’re 42 with a young family.
Try and enjoy the Bank Holiday weekend and try to stop regurgitating the same damaging thoughts. The futures bright, brighter than you think right now.
Charlster.
You’re a good lad Adam, great way to start the bank holiday weekend.
Keep it going, you’ve got everything going for you and you’ve got plenty of time on your side.
Have a good weekend,
Charlster
Following your story and your posts, you remind me of how I felt in 2010. No matter what people said to me, my focus was on the past, not the present or the future. I wont go into detail, but 2010 was a desperate year for me, even by my standards!
The difference between you and me is that you are seeking professional help and I tried to tough it out on my own. Me trying to tough it out has left me in an even worse position 5 years on. The cycle will never be broken unless we seek and accept outside help, that is a fact.
You can’t see it now, but there is hope for the future because you have sought that help. You also wont realise it now, but by seeking this help, you may be saving years and years of suffering and heartache, probably decades.
Make the most of today, think positively, there’s so much hope, believe me.
Charlster.
Well that’s a relief Mav.
GMA will be so good in so many ways. You’ll get the much needed help you need, your family will get a much needed break too. You’ve gone through hell, but so have they. Three months down the line things should seem so much better. Despair should turn to hope, your family would have had a breather and that will do all parties the World of good, there’s so many positives Mav. I know it’s incredibly hard to see them from the inside, but I’m on the outside looking in and I can see them, so trust me.
It must be a wrench leaving your family for 14 weeks on top of other things that are playing on your mind, but it’s the best thing that could happen from my point of view. I can only see a win win from where I’m standing.
Try and keep it together and be strong for yourself and for your family. Try and make sure that the last image that you leave your wife with of you, is one of a strong man, positive about the future and intent on changing things. It wont be easy, but it will give them hope and they’ll have 14 weeks to regroup, reflect and hopefully accept you back into their arms.
Think positive as the negative thoughts are counter-productive and may never happen.
Take care,
Charlster.
Hi Mav,
In a few days time, you’ll be able to concentrate solely on getting better. You won’t have all the complications you feel you have right now.
Interesting you say that nothing has changed in 3 months, well nothing will change if you don’t go to GMA. I hope you’re not loosely implying that you may pull out? Staying gambling free for 29 days is an achievement, isn’t it?
Please focus on GMA, tie up loose ends and then throw yourself into therapy. Only you can make that decision, but I urge you to not find any excuses to not go.
Charlster.
I thought I was reading an old post there for a minute!
You have an incredible future. I’ve never known anyone that works in your field. It’s an incredibly interesting field to work in and you’ll work in that field again. What’s to stop you?
I’m so pleased you’ll be on the GMA programme in a few days. hang in there, you’re so close to changing your life and obtaining the tools with which to carve out a great future for yourself and your family.
Focus on the 11th May and stay positive. It’s been a tough journey to get to this point, never lose sight of that. You deserve everything good that comes your way, so open up and let it all in.
Have a great day Mav,
Charlster.
I’m not a counsellor, I’m a compulsive gambler that’s been to hell and back like most people on here.
I’m only reading between the lines here, but you don’t seem to be in a better place than you were 6 months ago. Forgive me if I’m mistaken. If you have been refused help, it’s probably because you haven’t asked the right people yet. If you’re not getting the support you need from your GA group, look up another group that’s accessible to you. I urge you to keep seeking help, you will find it. I know I can’t tough this out on my own, I need help to recover. I’ve done something only this past week that I haven’t done before. I opened up graphically to people that I hardly know, but who had the power to possibly help me and relieve some of the pressure in my life. Yes it could have backfired, but nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say. It turned out better than I could have imagined. I got more help from people this week than I have got from some blood relatives!! A real learning curve, I can tell you. You deserve every snippet of help that you can get and if you keep asking, you will find it.
One thing you said that really took me aback was when you said that when you go the casino you can find the old you and you miss the old you. I actually hate the person I am when I go back to the dark gambling world. It clearly shows that something is lacking in your life if you like the old you at the casino more than the you now. Again, forgive me if I’m wrong, but it appears that is what you’re are saying.
In my experience, when I’ve been depressed, down, consumed by my addiction, I’ve given off the wrong vibes to people around me, sometimes unknowingly. In the past, I’ve preferred to free up time to gamble rather than hang out with those close to me. Eventually, people drifted away and stopped asking for my company and in my life they disappeared in their droves. Charlster the gambler is not a pleasant person. He’s self-centred, insular, unsociable, selfish and I could go on. People feed off each other and if you give off negative vibes, people tend to find excuses not to be around you. We then end up blaming everyone else, when all we have to do is actually change our own demeanour. It made me a very bitter person, because I thought everyone was abandoning me, not caring about me, etc, etc. No one else was to blame except me. No one wanted to be around a miserable git like me who spent his gambling days wallowing in self-pity.
I would say that you can change your life. You don’t have to accept your fate, I think you can dictate you own destiny, but it’s only you that can do it. I’m sure you will find that once you work at being happier, people will be naturally drawn to you, because they’ll feed off all the positivity that you’ll radiate. You won’t even know that you are doing it, but you’ll see people reacting more positively towards you.
I’m in the infancy of my recovery, so I’ve yet to practice what I preach, but it doesn’t stop me from analysing my life and planning what I need to do to change things and I’m only relaying to you how I think things will pan out in my life if I make changes.
Keep posting and keep seeking the support and help you deserve and more importantly, keep fighting. Your happiness and life is priceless, so fight tooth and nail to salvage it, it’s never too late.
Be happy,
Charlster.
I’m relatively new on here and don’t think we’ve interacted before.
I don’t think there has been a single post that I’ve read on here where I haven’t said to myself, I’ve felt like that, I’ve been through that, I know exactly how he/she is feeling etc, etc. Reading your post about feeling so alone hit home to me especially. I’ve felt alone for years, even when I’ve been in relationships!
It’s a tough one because we are all wrapped up in our own struggles and attempts to fight off our own demons that we can easily get waylaid and become self-centred. It’s not that no one cares, in fact I am 100% certain that the opposite is true. At times of lapses, re-lapses, depression, mood swings, we tend to amplify everything that is not so good in our lives. We convince ourselves that no one cares about us and that everyone has neglected us and so on. I’ve done it thousands of times and I’m still doing it.
What I’ve come to realise is that it’s not that no one cares, it’s the fact that we sometimes become so insular that we actually inadvertently cut ourselves off from getting support and help. We expect everyone to read between the lines and understand exactly what we’re going through all of the time.
I don’t know you, but it could be that if you’re anything like me, perhaps you need to sometimes ask for that support and ask for the help that you need. Sometimes people can’t see the sadness beyond the false smiles and if you tell people you’re doing good when you’re actually struggling, well that is disastrous.
I’m speaking from my own experiences here and I’m only saying all of this because it could be that next time you go to the GA meeting you need to open up with someone there and ask for that support, it’s better than suffering in silence. I’m a master at suffering in silence and I’m trying to practice what I preach at this very moment in time. I’m trying to change the habit of a life time and be more open.
It’s made me a very bitter person at times, because I’ve expected everyone to see the sadness behind my eyes, the struggles behind my false façade and because they haven’t, I’ve convinced myself that no one cares. I’ve then consequently shut them out and become even more withdrawn and depressed.
It’s tough Lorraine, but we do care and I’m sure everyone at the GA meeting you attended cares. Next time offer your number, don’t wait to be asked and have a chat with that lady that was supposed to call you. It could be that she has so much on her plate herself, that she genuinely forgot.
Take care and I am sure I can speak for every single person on here when I say that we all care deeply for you and your struggles.
Charlster.
Your son sounds like a very mature young man. I’m sure the fact that he can help out makes him feel good.
He’ll reap the rewards by having more quality time with you and you with him.
Keep us posted on your progress when you can.
All the very best,
Charlster.
That’s great news. There’s always a way and a solution to every problem and there will be a way around what you face. It’s all about sharing the problem in the first instance and talking to the right people.
Take care,
Charlster.
What I’ve learned only recently is that if we want to get better and give ourselves a fighting chance of building a future with solid foundations we need to make further sacrifices.
What you’re doing is making a sacrifice by folding your company so that you can focus on the one thing that you need to now focus on and that is getting better.
Once you finish the GMA programme, you’ll be wiser, you’ll be fitter in mind and you should have the tools with which to deal with everyday situations avoiding the usual pit falls.
You are a talented guy and if you’re determined enough you’ll open another office and bound on again. This time you’ll have solid foundations and be building from the ground up instead of papering over cracks.
If you did cancel everything you’re working towards, (and I’m sure you wont), you’ll be dooming yourself to a lifetime of misery and that road could lead anywhere. I cancelled my place at the GMA a few weeks ago and I’m back to where I was when I first came on to this site. You’ll never break the cycle and things will only ever get worse.
You are looking for the easy way out because everything seems so hard at the moment. If you want to make your life easier, you need to close your company and embark on the GMA course. Any other course of action will be disastrous and there’s no other way of putting this.
I’m sure you know all of this anyway, so keep strong, go to GMA and reclaim your life, don’t throw it away without a fight Mav.
Keep strong and keep this thought in your mind, when you come out of the other side, you’ll have a thriving new company that you’ll be able to focus on fully having put so many demons to the sword.
Charlster.
Hi Maria,
I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through with everything you have on your plate at the moment. You’ve done a great thing by simply visiting this site, the help and support available here will be invaluable to you.
I’ve just installed the K9 blocking software on my computer. As mentioned, it’s free and you will need to set a password. There’s no use you setting a password that you’ll remember as you’ll be able to uninstall the programme. Ask a friend or family member to install it for you and to keep the password from you at all costs.
I can relate to you when you say that you stay up until the money is credited into your bank account, I’ve done that thousand’s of times. I’m not an expert Maria, but just reading your brief account of your situation, you’re probably using gambling to escape other situations and when the gambling sessions stop, or when you’ve lost all you can, the reality of your actions kick in and that is when your mood plummets to the depths of despair.
Please stay with this site and use the helpline. It’s strictly confidential and will help you enormously and the rest of the site you can use to interact with people that understand what you’re going through, something that is hard to find in everyday life.
You are a fantastic mother who needs help yourself and you’ve made the first steps to finding that help.
I wish you all the best, things will seem dark now, but there are better days ahead, we all just need help and guidance towards those happier times.
Take care,
Charlster.
I don’t think gambling starts off as a problem, it starts off as an escape. Well it did for me. It was something I could do on my own and forget about other things in my life while I did it. I think because we turned to it more and more for escapism, we fed the habit and unfortunately it gradually got hold of us and became an addiction. There was something fundamentally wrong with my life before I gambled and I’m intrigued to see how the GMA therapy dissects that side of the problem and addresses it. Perhaps, if you analyse your life, you may find reasons and triggers as to why you turned to gambling initially in the first instance. It will require people with greater powers and insight than we possess to clarify things for us.
I turned to gambling for 3 reasons, escapism in the first instance, then for chasing my losses and ultimately to self-destruct. Depending on my mind-set at certain times it could be any one of those 3 reasons or a combination of all 3. Very rarely did I do it for fun. It was only ever fun in the very early days. It soon became a chore, hard work and hardly ever pleasurable. Even when I won, I don’t remember being overly happy. I got brief highs, but small peaks were always followed by deep troughs and that pattern has remained constant right up to the present day!
The gambling industry really does need looking at. I don’t mean penny arcades at the seaside. Even as a compulsive gambler I would hate to see those go, but mainstream gambling is far too easily accessible and too over exposed to the masses. I’m not one for living in a nanny state and feel we should all be responsible for our own actions and lives and not be constantly told what to do, but to have gambling rammed down our throats during every commercial break is wrong and should be looked at and regulated by law.
Anyway mate, I could go on for hours, hope you’re feeling as good as you can under the circumstances. You’ve only got just under two weeks to wait until you start to be given the tools with which to help you build the next chapter of your life. Much happier times await, so keep the faith.
Charlster.
Hi David,
Just to back up what’s already been said by Happy & Charles.
You need to do everything you can to make that next bet as hard to place as possible. I thought I was making a concerted effort to stop gambling a few weeks ago and didn’t fully explore all the steps I could have taken to make that next bet near on impossible to place. Blocking software and placing cash out of your reach are great ways to start. I’ve just installed the K9 blocking software and limited the cash I have access to. The K9 software is free and what I did was customise the settings to suit and once I knew my computer was running how I wanted it, I disposed of the password which was a jumbled up combination of letters and numbers. Make the password so random so that you can’t remember it, or ask someone else to set the password for you. I’m on my own so had no one to give my password to.
Good luck and it’s fantastic that you have recognised this issue and tackling this at such a young age, you’ve obviously got a wise head on young shoulders.
All the best,
Charlster.