[chanlon]

My friend who has a gambling brother asked me to deliver her words to my husband.

“Don’t chase what you lost. Just stop and forget.”

When I told my husband this, he was like someone who was just told about how to solve a very difficult math problem.

Also, when I told him about losing my trust, he said, “I don’t trust myself anymore, so why should you?”

[chanlon]

Hello Velvet

Thank you very much for your kind and warm words. It really encourages me with a great comfort.

So, yesterday morning, which is a couple of hours after I wrote the first post, I printed out GA 20 questionaire, GameCare, this website, national gambling clinic, Stepchange, Gordon Moody male residential treatment info, and handed over to him. I said “Please read. Just read please.” Then I went out. I thought that he might pay more attention to the info if I am not around.

About 1 hour later, he texted me. He said sorry. According to him, I already did gambling checklist to see if he is addicted and the result was “You are in high danger” + even playing lotto is very dangerous to him. He also said he knows that he put himself in great danger by going into betting shops but he stopped and won’t do it again.

I couldn’t trust him. So I replied that his belief of being out of danger is his illusion and he must see counselor.

I met a friend of mine who has been suffering from CG brother (he is playing with stock market which is even crazier). My poor friend has been paying a huge debt of almost £60,000 from credit card and loans because of that brother. I knew that she has a problem with gambler family but didn’t know the actual picture. We talked a lot and I advised her to contact gambler helpline.

When I got home, my husband was also back after seeing his friend who has a serious gambler brother. 

I asked him to have a proper chat. I first explained why I think his belief is an illusion and why he has to get counseling. Of course, I cried. I also told him that I must put myself first and have to protect me from him. He nodded. I also told him about my friend and her brother. How this brother forced my friend to show a bank statement (how much she is earning). How he makes her feel guilty about buying really cheap clothes for herself rather than giving money to him. How he manipulates her, lies to her, and eventually bullies her. And how my poor friend still gives money to him and pays deb on his behalf. It is a crazy story but sadly real.

Then my husband began to talk. “I am really sorry for your friend. Her situation is really bad and the brother is a definitely serious gambler who takes all possible advantage of his family. I am not manipulating you. I lied but I am not like him and I will never. I need to tell you what really happened.”

It was his first time to step into that dangerous betting shop just 10 days ago. When I checked his mobile, the 1st transaction to betting shop was about 1 week ago so maybe he is telling me the truth. Or maybe not.

According to him, he even had to learn how to play the machine. A homeless man in the shop and clock behind the till taught him how to do. So he first played £10 or so (I can’t exactly remember but it was less than £20). Then, BOOM!, £800. He was really really happy. That satisfaction was so great.

So did he stop there? No, he played more with a hope to feel that satisfaction again. Then he lost all.

He was so angry. Really really mad. So he began to chase his loss. Of course, he kept losing!

That is how he spent hundreds of pounds for a week or so.

Then, he suddenly realised how dangerous it was. He was shocked by how much money he lost. He said, “put £10 then £10 again, then less than 2 hours, more than £100 is gone!”

So he decided to stop. He deleted online website too. Then he transferred his salary to me (he did it a couple of days before I discovered). He did so following the advice on the gambling checklist website.

He also told me about a conversation he had with his friend who has a gambler brother. I think my husband wanted to understand what impact the brother has on his friend. His friend is depressed but tries to recover and employed – the job is very important to the friend He said.

After listening to him, I was relieved? No, I was sadder and more frustrated. I said, “Why on earth do you step into the fire? Why? People don’t go into the fire because they Know It Is Dangerous! And you know that betting shop is no go zone!”

He told me that he just did it without proper thinking. Like finger snap. Like jumping over the edge without knowing why. I may be wrong, but I feel that he is harming himself. I have suspected that he is depressed for more than a year. I asked him to see GP but he ignored.

Before I came home, I already searched counselor who is specialised in gambling, other addictions, and many other psychosocial issues. I found him following advice from gambling helpline advisor. She taught me where to look at to find a good counselor.

I showed my email to the counselor to my husband and urged him to get counselling. He said, “I will because I want to show that I really appreciate your kindness and I want you to be relieved.” So I replied that it should not about Me. It must be for himself. Also, I told him that this is the last thing I can do; if he doesn’t go for counseling, I will leave him.

He said, “I want to go, not because of gambling, but because I want to know why I behave like this (smoking then stop then, drinking 1-2 beers almost every day then stop, then buying scratch cards then going to the betting shop.). Why I behave like an irrational and immature kid who doesn’t know/see danger until he harms himself.”

That was last night.

This morning, I again asked him to contact counselor.

I won’t give up. Just yet. I need to do everything I can do before completely giving up without a single regret.

In terms of protecting me, I don’t have any joint account with him. He can’t access my bank accounts as he doesn’t know PW. I also put my valuables to safety box in the bank yesterday. Safety box sounds like I have a huge amount of jewelry or so, but I am not. They are mostly from my mom which are not expensive but very important to me. However, still, they can be sold for some cheap money.

I really hope my husband begins to talk to the counselor. This is really my last hope. I am also referred to counselor. Fingers crossed that my turn comes quickly. I will also attend local family & friend who are affected by gambler meeting. It is been really really tough. And I reckon that it will be tough. How long? I hope it is not that long… Let’s see.

By the way, he said something interesting. He knew that I would find this(gambling) out. So I asked if he wanted me to discover. He said, “I don’t know, maybe.” If that is the case, I feel like he is actually screaming for help – not for gambling because that is just a surface, but something else like depression or deeper psychological issues.

[chanlon]

“None of this really helps when your CG partner made your world revolve around him :)” I can’t agree with you more. Today, I discovered my husband’s gambling – It is the first time to see his spending to high street betting shops and online gambling. So, I don’t know it is a start or discovery of the ongoing hidden problem. Though I have had a suspicion about gambling as he spent too much for scratch cards when we had little money; now our financial condition is ok as we both work. I am struggling to come to terms with what I found. I confronted him. He said “It is one off. You should not worry. I am not stupid. I know how to manage.” However, I am not convinced at all as that attitude is a typical manipulation / self-lie of a gambler, I think. My heart is broken as I have trusted(or tried very hard to trust) him for 5 years to save this relationship. Really sad. Really really sad.

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