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I do not plan on gambling today. I remember when I would not post until the end of the day that I did not gamble. Even today if I post in the morning I always say that I do not plan on gambling. I know that we can write to not gamble for the day, but if we don’t really commit to it from the inside we wont do it. I don’t know what I mean by the inside, but it has to come from within, is it our head or our heart that has to commit.
As compulsive gamblers I believe we want instant gratification. It is like playing a machine, watching a horse race we get the high as we are watching for the BIG WIN. We know that this is the spin that is going to change our life, or the horse is a sure thing, or it could be a good hand at cards. We all have our own poison and we convince ourselves that we are just about to get the big one. If our “sane brain” is working we know that it is random and there are no guarantees with machines, but if the gambling brain is our thinking brain we don’t think that way.
I believe for me that is why I had a challenge about focusing on just today ODAAT. Once I decided that I was not gambling again and again on the many Day 1’s I needed to have gamble free time and I wanted it NOW. In my mind it is like going on a diet to lose weight, we made the commitment and we want to see instant results. I really have to work at working on today as it is the only way that we can do it, well at least for me.
I was out at a function a couple of evenings ago and there were vlt’s there and you know I looked at them, but did not really think about them, they were just there. I was in the same place with those machines in November, 2012 when I had three weeks gamble free and they were on my mind constantly. I had to struggle not to play them at that time, and yet this time I did see them, but they did not take up all my head space. I know if I had put one dollar in that I would not be sitting here posting this morning, but I would be waiting for the Casino to open, and plotting how I was going to get money and sneak around and gamble. Life is complicated enough without adding that to it.
I do not plan on gambling today. I pray that we all have a gamble free day!!!

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Long day for you Geordie, but if it keeps you away from gambling then it is positive. I can imagine that you are exhausted by the time you get home, and that is when it would be nice to have your own space to relax and not have room mates there.
Vera, still praying for you and a gamble free day
I do not plan on gambling today!!!

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Liz sorry that you are in a bit of a funk, it is not very often that I read your post and see that. I wonder if it’s the adjustment of not having your grandson to look after as often. It’s amazing how their smiles, excitement and enthusiasm are contagious and lifts our spirits. I am sure that you will be feeling much better tomorrow once you see your grandson and spend some time with him.
It’s wonderful that your roses are coming out. I love to see lots of flowers blooming. We are waiting for our spring flowers to come through, our daffodils, tulips etc. The weather is starting to warm up here and it will soon be time for me to get out working in the garden and pulling weeds. I just find it lots of work and it would help if I lost some weight and get in better shape. You are doing awesome Liz in moving forward with your new life. All we need to do is take it one day at a time!!!

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The last day of April and I don’t plan on gambling today. I still find it interesting that when you first start counting days that 30 days seems like a long time coming. How many times did I get to day 30 or 31 and then had to start all over again at day 1, or how many times did I get to day 6, 7, or whatever and never made it through a month. I was full of hope when I started the month, but never seem to be able to get through the month without gambling. I don’t think it matters whether it is the 1st, 2nd, 15th or 28th of the month that we last gambled we just have to focus on today. I always think back and the last day I played those machines was November 1, 2012 and I had pledged not to gamble that day, but did not keep the pledge. I suppose on November 2 I pledged again and have been able to stay away from then., but I am not cured, I know that all it would take is one dollar in a slot/vlt and it would be as if I had never left. It would be the same story, but who knows it could be even worse after not having played those machines for a long time. I have a healthy fear of those machines now. It is difficult to admit that you are powerless and have no control over yourself when you play slots/vlts, but it is the truth and although my life is not perfect, I know that gambling is not the answer. I will take it one day at a time. I will count my blessings. I will continue to work on myself. I will pray for strength to stay away. I will accept that I am a compulsive gambler. Wishing everyone a day free of gambling, because you know what, you are worth it!!!!

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(((Carole))) so glad that you posted and have been gamble free since early April. Gambling is such a downward spiral when it gets a hold on us again. I can’t gamble as I know that I would be back to those thoughts/urges all the time. Not being able to think of anything but getting to the Casino, trying to find money to gamble, hating myself. YUCK!!! It’s interesting as pay day was always a trigger for me and I would leave work early on the Friday so that I could get some time in. Originally I would go after supper on a Friday payday and then I would be there late as I had lost too much money and would be chasing to get my money back. I would then leave when I got some back, but eventually I did not leave and just kept putting in all the money I won. It is strange how money does not seem to have any value when we are gambling. I would not buy something for myself as it was too expensive, but hey, it was okay to throw it all away in a machine!!! I am sorry Carole, that I am saying all this on your page. I don’t know where it came from.
Are you moved back yet, or do you still have to empty out your apartment? It sounds as if you are enjoying spending time with your granddaughters. I know that they will have missed having you living close to them. I am sure that they are absolutely thrilled that you have moved back to the country. It is a nice time to be back in the country when spring and summer and all the new life springing up around you. Take care and keep posting now that your granddaughter has fixed the machine so that you can get into it.

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I am sitting looking at a picture of lambs on my desk. I love lambs, but it is the saying on the picture that is important… “Don’t count the days, Make the days count” I can relate to that with counting gamble free days, and it is so true when we are not gambling we don’t always make the days count. We are so caught up in our thoughts of wanting to gamble that we cant think of anything else.
I know that I need to get on with the boxes in my basement and other things, but have been procrastinating and carrying around this guilt that I have not done them. It’s time to get going though. I am noticing that with the sun shining and the snow gone that I am feeling a bit more optimistic. I am so looking forward to having a few days off from work, and hopefully I can do some of my boxes. I will get there eventually.
I am so grateful for many things that I have been blessed with and I just need to remember to be “nice and kind” to myself. It may help me better to get things done than berating myself all the time!!!
I am rambling, but hey, if it helps me that is fine by me.
Have a wonderful gamble free day everyone, you deserve it!!!

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Well it’s getting close to the end of April and I don’t think I am going to put up a Month for May, although it’s funny how I am feeling, that maybe I should as it is keeping me on the straight and narrow. I know it is not the monthly pact that is doing this, it is taking it one day at a time. I wonder if it is thinking that if I get through a month then I have achieved something. I would really like to see Vera do the monthly pact again as she was the one who started it. I realize that the days pass and then it is a week and then a month, but it all goes back to taking it one day at a time. There was a time that I thought I should do weekly pacts as then I could maybe get through them as I could never seem to get to a month. I wish everyone a wonderful gamble free day!!!!

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Thanks everyone for your posts. I have been so busy with work and have not had time to think about anything else. It is a blessing as when I am busy like that I don’t think about gambling. I believe it proves to me that I have to keep myself busy as I am happier when I don’t know what to do first. We had a big fundraising event and it went great!!! It’s now all the clean up to do after an event, but it is so rewarding when you work hard and it is a success. I also know that after it is over there is still lots to do, but not the same deadline and that is when I have to be careful not to think of gambling. It’s almost like brides get when they are planning a wedding and then afterward they feel a bit down as they have been so focused on the wedding and afterwards they don’t know what to do. I have enough to do though, but it is keeping the motivation going. It is at times like this that I think, do I really want to retire as I do enjoy the challenge. I wish I could get the motivation that I had for the event to come to me for the stuff I have to do in the house.
Our daughter has now moved back so we are working on the basement. She is going to help with it so she will be the one pushing me to get things done LOL, it’s like a role reversal, as when she was younger it was me telling her to get things tidied etc. I know that I will be happy once we are finished with the basement. Also our son, dil and grandkids are coming in the summer so it has to be finished by then. I think it helps when you have a reason to get things done by a certain time, as it does help to motivate you. I do need to get some energy back though, but at least I do feel happier. I believe the winter was really getting me down this year as it was so long!! The snow is almost all away YEAH!!! I now need to focus on losing some weight and eating healthier etc. ODAAT Wishing everyone a wonder gamble free day!!

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Liz your flowers and garden sound lovely. It is great to have projects to work on and you have things you want to do in your back yard to make it your own. I am sure that you are having a great day today with your Grandson and that he will love his Easter basket. You really are working on your new life. I know that it must be difficult to step back from the parenting role with your Grandson and yet you are doing it. I find your posts so inspirational. I think it is wonderful that you reached out to your sister and she did respond. Families are so complicated and yet it is what it is. We love our family, although we may not like them at times because of their behaviour. If only we could all talk to each other in a calm way, but usually our emotions get involved and we end up saying things we regret because we are angry. I am finding that I am speaking up more with my family now, and I mean that I am standing up for myself when I don’t like the way I was spoken to. I know that when I can speak calmly it makes such a difference, but that is not always the reality or possible. I find that it is getting easier though. Enjoy your Easter with your Grandson, daughter and ex s-I-law. Do you have your shell turtles in your garden?

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Carole it is wonderful that you have put barriers in place to protect yourself from having cash to gamble with. It is true when we don’t have money we don’t gamble. Our daughter moved back home yesterday. She has a few things to finish off at her apartment, just a few items of furniture she is getting rid off and then it has to be cleaned out. She has until the end of April. I am so busy at work right now, but it will all work out. I am thinking of taking a few days off work at the end of May to work on our flower garden at the front of the house. I am also just going to pick-up a few hanging flower baskets for the back. The sun is shining today and it is warmer, thank goodness, it has been a very long winter this year. I still feel overwhelmed with all the things that I need to do in the basement, but I am working on taking it one day at a time!!! Have a great gamble free day Carole!!!

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I cant believe how fast the month is going. It’s already April 17, and yet there was a time that it seemed to go so slowly. I don’t think about getting through the month, all I think about is today. I find it interesting that it depends where we are in recovery on how long a month seems. I think back to how many times I dreaded posting on the monthly pact as Vera called it. I would start of the month so sure that I would get through it without gambling. I don’t know if I really believed it, but I would keep trying. I now know that it is a continual daily pledge that I do and not a month. I have a calendar for 2012 and each day of the month either has a bright green X or a black X. I would think to myself there were more green Xs than black Xs for the year, but the damage that I did to myself financially, to my self worth etc the days with the black Xs was not good. In 2013 I did not do a monthly calendar with X’s but they would have all been green. I know that as a compulsive gambler that I can’t put a dollar in a machines as I am totally powerless as soon as the first dollar goes in. I wish it was not the case, but it is so I cant change it, and I have to accept it. I remember the panic at the thought I could never play those machines again. I could not think that way or it would send me straight to play those machines!!! I now accept it as my reality. I get annoyed when I hear people talking about playing machines (not on here), but people who can gamble responsibly, and think why could that not be me. In reality though if I was not a compulsive gambler it would not bother me that people could play responsibly it is the addiction part of me that wants that, but it’s not possible. It is what it is!!! I do not plan on gambling today.

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Sweet Pea I have been thinking of you so much and yet I have not posted to let you know this. I always worry about you when you are not posting. I am praying that you are just taking a break from posting. I know that sometimes we just get times when we are in a space we get down emotionally and it is difficult to post. Please put a quick post to let us and know that you are doing okay. One day at a time!!!

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SJ it is interesting how many people fear public speaking. I have to do it with my job and I don’t like it, but I force myself to do it. It is strange as I am outgoing, chat to people one on one and am not shy, however, when it comes to public speaking it is different. I know that I have met people who are good at public speaking and then you find out they have a fear of it, but you would never know. I often wonder if it is because we don’t like all the attention on us, or we are frightened that we make a full of ourselves. WTG on facing a fear and you know what it will get easier the more you do it!!!

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Bettie I do read your posts to keep up to date with what is happening in your life, but don’t always post. I am sorry that your niece’s eating disorder is still not under control. I cant imagine how tough it must be for your brother. As a parent we want to protect our kids from everything, but unfortunately that is not a reality. I hope and pray that she gets on the right track, but as we know as much as someone else wants it for them they have to do it themselves. The person who does my gel nails has an eating disorder and she is so skinny. It is interesting as I don’t share my gambling addiction with anyone, but she knows. Her and I have had many discussions about gambling/eating disorders and there are so many similarities in dealing with them. I hope that this treatment program is the one that get through to her!!!
I know that you will support your brother and niece as much as you can. Life is a bi*** sometimes. All we can do is take it one day at a time!!!!

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(((Carole))) I am glad that you are giving Danny and yourself another chance. You should be proud of yourself that you tried something and for some reason it did not go the way you had planned it, but as Liz says everything happens for a reason and we don’t always know what. I know that I have to work at forgiving my husband for the way he has treated me at times, and also for not being their to support me the way I wanted. It is not always easy, but I am progressing in it, and putting boundaries in place have helped me so much. I know that I always felt guilty when I would stand up for what I wanted. I am slowly realizing that I am my own person and if I don’t want to do something I don’t have too. It is interesting how someone can make us feel guilty because we are not conforming to what they want. I believe as we get more “mature” we learn so much more. I wish I had read the book about better boundaries years ago. Life is all about taking it one day at a time, and I am realizing that more and more. I am feeling overwhelmed right now as we are really busy at work with a big fundraiser that is happening at the end of April. My daughter is moving back in next weekend. We are working on the basement. Need I say more. I have to separate everything though and say I will deal with it step by step. I am not super woman any more and I just don’t have the stamina that I used to have. I am excited as our grandkids and of course our son and wife are coming to visit us in August. I am excited to have my kids all together for a change. Usually we go visit them twice a year. It is also motivation to get the basement done, although once our daughter moves back she will be helping with the basement. She will have her own space in the basement. It will all come together, but it is stressful, and I don’t like my home being in such an upheaval. I understand the barrier with cash by having Danny looking at the joint accounts, as that is a strong barrier for me with my husband. Carole, all we can do is take it one day at a time!!!

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