[cat438]

Liz, I have not been posting for a while. I don’t know the reason, but I have been reading and keeping up with a few people on GT. I can’t say enough about how I learn so much from you. I love your positive attitude no matter what life throws at you. I wish I was more like you in that respect. I am so glad that your mother’s surgery is over and she is on the mend. I know it is a lot of work for you and I am glad that your sister was there to help lighten your load a bit. You truly are an inspiration to me and many others on GT.

[cat438]

Liz I have not posted for a while, but I want you to know that I appreciate that you post on your thread as I do read it so see how you are doing. I always find your thread so uplifting, and I also find that I learn from them. I know you have challenges with your mother, but you continue to move forward in a positive way.
I am so glad that you have some “special time with your Grandson”. They grow up so fast and he will have all these wonderful memories that you are creating for him.
My hubby is still not drinking, but he does have health issues he has to deal with because of his drinking. He is still working though and I do think that helps, although I sometimes look at him and think he is not looking healthy. I will just take it one day at a time. Anyway, sorry for going on in your space. Wishing you a healthy and happy New Year.

[cat438]

What I like about being in recovery is not telling lies to hubby and others and sneaking around to go to the Casino. I like the freedom of not gambling, the freedom to choose what I want to do. For example today I have our Christmas tree up with lights on, but I still have the decorations to do. I like that I am working on paying off my car with extra payments and saving for retiring.

[cat438]

I can relate to why you gambled as I would do that as well when I was angry with hubby, but then I realized I was hurting myself more than him when I gambled. I started to think about it differently and thought I am not going to gamble because he was such a @**!!!. The gambling was about me not him. I was not going to give him the satisfaction of saying I knew you would gamble!!! Next time, because unfortunately with our hubby’s we know that they can get us so angry so be prepared and think through ahead of time what you are going to do. I know that I would react right away and needed to escape, and then I felt worse about myself. It is a continual battle, but you can win the war!!!! Are you still thinking of coming to visit your mother? It is freezing here and I am thinking that it is going to be a long winter again!!!!
Take care of yourself my friend!!!

[cat438]

I am sorry to hear about your Mum and it must have been really dreadful and stressful for you having to drive to get to the hospital. She is lucky to have you so close and being there for her Liz, although she may not show it , I am sure she realizes this. It will be good for you to go to the city for a few days with her. You know if she does have any problems you are close to a hospital. You really inspire me with how you handle things. You seem to pick yourself up and move on, but all in a positive way.

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I am so happy to see your upbeat and happy posts again Carole!!! That is great news about Danny’s health. As we get older we appreciate our health so much more. I have not been posting as I was feeling a bit down, but I am starting to feel a bit better again. I am slowly accepting retiring next year, but I am thinking that I may try and work part-time somewhere, but not sure yet. One day at a time. It is freezing here, but it is what it is so you just have to get on with it. Take care and have a wonderful gamble free day!!!

[cat438]

Liz I have not posted for a while, but I continue to read and enjoy your posts, an I know that things are difficult for you at times, but you are handling everything in a good way. I learn so much from your posts. I am rushing to leave for work, but I just wanted to let you know that even though I have not posted I am praying for your younger daughter. Stay strong, and so glad that you are having a relaxing break as you deserve it!!!!

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I am glad that I came here and posted yesterday as I did learn something, and that is even when I do have those tough emotional challenges that I am better to sit down and write about it and get it out of my system. I am feeling much better today, and I know what I am going to do to deal with it…. Life is a challenge at times, but that is life. Unfortunately, as much as we want the road to be smooth and perfect, that is not life. It is how we handle those bumps, challenges and emotional upsets that matter. My life is different now as my hubby is not drinking, but he is doing it on his own without any help. It makes me wonder if that is what you would call abstaining, rather than being in recovery. I would not have known the difference if I had not started recovery for compulsive gambling or gambling addiction.
I am still going to see a counsellor every few weeks, and it was interesting as she said that you can be a “dry drunk”. It really made me think and to see how things go. As far as I can tell he is doing okay with it. It has been 3 months since he last had a drink, not unless he is sneaking any, but I don’t think so as he knows health wise he cant drink.
Life is strange, as with everything that happened the other evening at the meeting at work, it made me decided that I am definitely retiring at the end of next year. I cant handle the stress like I did before. If I need money I will try and get a part-time or casual job, or if I need some social interaction.
I am slowly noticing a difference in my interest in our home again. I think since we did the basement and it looks good, just finishing touches to do, like the fun stuff pictures on the wall, ornaments to put out and other little things. It makes such a difference.
I have so much to be grateful for and I think that has to be my focus. I can focus too much on what I don’t have instead of being thankful for what I am blessed with. Wishing everyone a good gamble free day. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!!!!! Let Go Let God.

[cat438]

I have not posted for a while, and I am feeling so agitated right now, so where do I come, somewhere I know that I will not be judged. I have not played the machines and it is coming close to 2 years for me. The last time I played a machine was November 1, 2012, but I know that I am not safe no matter how long it is. I have been struggling with depression a bit, and when I get like that I tend to pull back. I am still working and had a meeting last night that reminded me of how it used to be for me at work. I am trying to figure out if I am the problem and it is a control issue with me, so I am using this as my release valve to try and get my thoughts down. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Change is challenging is my thread name, and yes it is challenging at work as well. I was struggling with the thought of retiring next year, but I believe how the meeting went last night as helped me to realize that I don’t want all the stress and headaches any more. If I want to work then I will go and do something that is less stressful. I am getting to old for all this sh** I know I have to be open to change, but I also have to stand up for what I believe in. It does not mean that I don’t want change, it means that I was side lined last night with someone who had their own agenda. I realize now it was two weeks since this person had information and was going to discuss it with me, but did not bring it up to me individually, but at a meeting in front of everyone. I am thinking that this person definitely had their own agenda as he wanted to have this committee formed to look into something which would have provided him with the opportunity to move forward and get what he wanted. I suppose I put a road block in his plans. It seems funny writing all this and not being able to provide the full details, but sometimes just typing this helps clarify things in your head.
I need to talk to someone who is involved in our organization and is a level headed person, and who knows me and how emotional and passionate I am about what I do. I am going to call her and see if we can get together. She is not the type of person who will give me the answer I want to hear, but will discuss it with me and help me. I am sorry that I am so vague about all these things, but it is all confidential stuff and working with a Board can be challenging. I think just typing this out has helped me. One day at a time, and again God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am reading posts and will post soon, thanks for letting me try and figure things out here!!!

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Kathryn I thank you for being honest and sharing that you had a slip, as you are helping others understand that no matter how long we have not played those machines, we are not “cured”. The machines are an addiction to us and like any addiction we can still yearn them no matter how long we have played them. I quit smoking for 14 years and I started having just a puff, then one cigarette, and need I say more, yes I am smoking between 5 – 8 a day now. I have been promising myself that I will quit again, but have not, although I don’t smoke in front of hubby and family. I suppose what I am saying is don’t let the little “slip” pull you back in. Don’t test the waters again.
You have been an inspiration to me on my recovery journey, and I did not put you on a pedestal, I used you as a way of seeing that it can be done!!!
I am getting close to my 2 year Anniversary from playing those machines and I have tested myself so many times, that I fear putting one dollar in a machine, as I know I am not cured and never will be. Yes, there are days that I yearn to escape, have fun playing machines etc., but that is looking through rose coloured spectacles…. the reality is the aftermath of not being able to stop, the lying, sneaking around (like I am doing with my smoking). Thank you for your honesty and helping so many in their recovery. You are doing awesome and continue to be an inspiration to me and many on this site!!!!

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Liz my heart aches for you with your youngest daughter. As a parent we would take the burden of whatever our child(ren) are going through on ourselves rather than them going through it. I don’t know if I would have the strength to not help my kids if they asked. I know that being an enabler is not the way to go for someone with an addiction, but when it is your child it must be just devastating. I pray that your daughter finds the strength to seek help for her addiction. I don’t know what I would do if it was my child, as although everyone can say don’t be an enabler, they have to walk in your shoes to truly understand what it is like for you. One day at a time is all we can do!!!
I have not been posting but have been reading and keeping up to date with posts and I am so glad that everything has worked out well with the purchase of the house for your daughter and grandson. Take care and have a great gamble free day!!!

[cat438]

I notice that you are busy lately with your grandkids, cleaning the renters place etc. I think having a routine and purpose will be a benefit to you. Although don’t be overdoing it and causing yourself stress. I think if we can get our mind on other things though it does help keep us focusing on them and not on gambling.
I think going by your last post that Danny will be at home just now so I am sure that you are busy with the wedding etc.

Take care my friend and have a great gamble free day!!!]

[cat438]

I don’t know why I have such a challenge leaving the Subject line empty, but I feel as if I need to put something in it LOL
Thanks everyone for you posts and kind words. I have not posted for a while, but I do continue to read and see how everyone is doing.
I am finding myself starting to take more interest in life again and not just watching TV at the weekend. I am finding that I want to do things around the house to get the finishing touches to the basement, and of course go through the storage boxes of stuff that I am keeping and get them more organized. There are still half a dozen or so to bring in from the garage, but I will get there.
I got the results from the biopsy of the lump and growth on my leg and it was benign, so I am truly thankful and grateful about that. My leg has still not healed completely, and there is going to be a scar there for a while, but I don’t have slim beauty queen legs anyway LOL
It is different now with hubby not drinking and I am finding that I need to think differently. We actually go out together for supper once a week or so, and he even suggests it. I know it is baby steps, but one day at a time is how I will do it. It is difficult to know what he is going through as he does not talk about it. I know that he has to do it his own way.
I am finding the weekend is to short as I don’t seem to be able to get everything done that I want to do in two days. I think it is two fold… one getting older… and two being overweight. I think if I lost the weight I would not feel so old LOL I know that if I lose weight I will have more energy to keep going… like the energizer bunny LOL
It looks like we are retiring next year, but it will be more at the end of the year for me. Probably about a year from now. I could change my mind though before the time comes. I know that hubby is definitely retiring at end of August or September so we will see. I don’t need to make my mind up today. Yesterday, I drove past one of the Casinos that I used to frequent and it really made me think about gambling. I did think what would it be like to just go in and play machines and forget about everything. I did not think about winning money just about playing the machines and escaping without a care in the world LOL It is amazing how our gambling brain can totally change our normal way of thinking. I thank God that I did not go in, but it made me aware that no matter how long we have not played those machines they have a pull on us. I am finding the house so quiet since our grandkids left. I miss them so much and all their laughter, smiles and hugs. We are probably going to see them in October though for our granddaughter’s 1st birthday. I am rambling away here as usual, but sometimes it is good to just ramble. I am still going for counselling and that is helping me deal with things in general.
Wishing everyone a wonderful gamble free day!!!!

[cat438]

Your post really hit me as it could have been my first post. I joined GT in June 6, 2011 and then proceeded to go on a 6 day gambling binge. I could not imagine life without playing slots and the panic of never playing them again sent me on a binge. It is possible to have a life free of playing machines, but as a compulsive gambler or addict I take it one day at a time. All we have to focus on is getting through a day, not tomorrow, next week, month or year.
You will find lots of support and help on this site and I would encourage you to post how you feel, your struggles etc. Also there is the help line with the GT staff and they are wonderful and without their help and guidance I don’t think I would be where I am today.
Wishing you a wonderful gamble free day!!!

[cat438]

Thank you friends for your wonderful posts!!!! It has been a whirlwind of activity the last 10 days with our adorable grandkids and their parents staying with us. It is amazing how a grandchild’s smile just lightens your heart and your day. Our home is going to be so quiet as we took them to the airport today and they are on their way home. I miss them already, but I am so blessed to have had them here with us.
My hubby is looking better and has not been drinking since we had to go to the hospital with him and he was diagnosed with liver problem, and other problems related to his drinking. He is seeing an internal medicine specialist this week so we will know more after that. I am still waiting on results from the biopsy of the mark they removed from my leg. I realize now that I was not being active enough and that contributed to all my weight gain. My goal is to start eating healthier and getting more active. I think we can sometimes make ourselves older than we are!!!! I still have things to do for finishing touches to the basement, but some of it is fun stuff, like putting up pictures, ornaments etc. I still have to go through boxes that are packed in our garage and decide if I am keeping everything or not, and also to organize and find storage in the basement for them. I will take it one day at a time though!!! I have not been thinking of casinos or playing slots lately, but I know that thoughts will come, and that’s okay as long as I don’t act on them. I just wanted to give a quick update to everyone. I have been reading some posts and will get round to posting to you eventually. Have a wonderful gamble free day everyone!!!!

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