[Caroline]

Dear Velvet, I had a bit of a struggle to answer your question about how am I doing in all of this mess and this is because there is something that has certainly changed in my thinking and reacting to his poor behaviour and nagging. I’ve noticed when he is doing the things I wrote in the previous posts it doesn’t really so much bother me anymore. I am annoyed and stressed but I am trying to not to think about the mess he leaves and what and why on earth is he doing it to me. I try to walk away into another room and get busy in something else. I am stressed I’m not saying it’s nice or funny but I am basically forcing myself not to get tangled in his behaviour. And I have noticed he isn’t doing as much mess as before and he walks away much faster. I have noticed as well that I smiled few times when he was talking like mad man. It wasn’t a smile as if he made me laugh but a smile, a smirk as if you know and understand why is he doing that and what made him behave like this. I don’t know if I make sense and do you understand what I’m trying to say, it’s hard to express your feelings in a different language and probably too many of them inside me that just tumble. I didn’t cry this weekend. Surprisingly. I am really really trying not to think of the problems that gambling causes to me. I’m trying, I’m faking it and I hope I will make it one day. And I am glad I have such an amazing support on here and am understood by so many. Thank you.

[Caroline]

Vera! Thank you. You are right he would sell it. I must try not to give him money. He’s gonna sell my electric sweeper cuz he’s hid it today. The last thing he could possibly sell, except mine and his phone. Madness. He is very desperate.

[Caroline]

You are right Tania. Our own children give us that last hope, they are our last rope to hold on to when we feel like to fall. We have to stay strong for them
I still didn’t give him even though he asked for it. I don’t know what he was saying as I was pretending to talk to my little one butit was one of his go at me again. Threatened meas well to take my phone of me tomorrow. My in-laws went out for a weekend so he knows I won’t be able to go and complain. It’s gonna be hard tomorrow.I know that. And kids at home, don’t want to fight when they see. He is obviously an active gambler and not in recovery so what should I do.should I just give him? I think I’m loosing it again. ..

[Caroline]

Yes! I’ve made it today without giving him any money . There was another episode with the cupboards but I ignored it and carried on not looking and going in his way. Thanks velvet,Vera and sad. Your comments gave me a lot to think of and it’s so good to read someone is always by your side to support you. I never thought about the fact that my husband could be a bully..I know he does all the mess to annoy me and make me fell like his feeling and it only happens when he needs money to gamble. But who knows Sad, maybe you’re right. I didn’t tell my friend as we had a good 3hours of just talking about nice things and I didn’t want to spoil it. I think eventually I will tell her but maybe not yet. Tomorrow is another day to pass. Well actually there’s a long night still and I just hope he will let me sleep in peace.. I hope tomorrow will be as good as today and I will not break.thank you once more for all your support and great advice.

[Caroline]

Here we go, episode 1 has started. He said to go and put the 20 in his bank cuz he set up direct debit for our children fees and he’ll be short of money so it’ll bounce back. I told him not my problem,that it’s his idea to set it up and to be honest I don’t know if he’s saying the truth or not. Anyway he started rumbling so many offences that my ears became red, I just can’t believe how can your own husband say so many bad words to you, how can he hurt you so much.does he think my heart is made of stone or what? He just put all tins and food packets out of cupboards, all sweets and chocolates on the floor..I’m getting ready and going out. I’ll meet my friend somewhere in town or might go to her. Sorry I feel better after I wrote it all.

[Caroline]

Wow Vera! That’s a good idea, I will have to try that trick with him.thanks!
Yeh Sad, I did think about disappearing from the house before he start asking but I’ve got a feeling he will do it as soon as kids are out to school..
My friend doesn’t know anything about it , she is a good friend and I did spent a lot of time thinking if to tell her or not. It’s hard to open up and explain so many painful things..I often imagine in my head myself talking about it to my dad and all I do is cry and I just break down..I don’t know if I could tell her…maybe time will show.
Velvet I really want to meet her tomorrow cuz I’m basically longing for a break from this house. We decided if the weather is nice we’ll go for a walk in the park otherwise we just sit at mines.Thank you all so much for your support, it makes huge difference to my thinking.thank you.

[Caroline]

Dear Michelle! I don’t know if you realize but what you wrote is so amazing and so powerful in my view. I am so much thankful to you for it. Your words have given me a lot of encouragement and I really really want to fight myslelf over and I will read your post over and over again to remind myself I have to stay strong.
Today I came back from shopping and like every week I have to have change for him(20-30 pounds) .he asked me to give it to him but I said no, can’t afford it. He nagged few more times and then said he’ll take it tomorrow. Tomorrow my friend is visiting me and I know if I won’t give him that money he will make massive fight and I will have to cancel the meeting…that happened few weeks ago as well. I’m fed up.

[Caroline]

I’m getting ready for the usual conversations(if you can call them like that as it’s usually expressing his needs, feelings and promises he’s gonna stop’from Monday’). I know he has nearly finished the£300. I know cuz he started talking to me again, played for a while with kids and visited his mum. Coming back to life like nothing never happened..and I am very much dreading it. There is so many options how is he possibly gonna behave and what is he gonna say that my head is so full of thoughts and my stomach squeezed by thinking what is gonna happen. I know I can’t for any reason agree to give him money but I am weak at this or maybe he is so good to break me and for my little bit of peace I give up. Don’t know what tactic is best, I’ve tried I think all. And to simply ignore his behaviour is not possible at all especially when kids are watching.. I have tried to go out but he stands by the door, I run upstairs he follows me, he does crazy things that make me so upset, sick and at that moment I’m ready to walk away..and as I have nowhere to go and no money I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this house and he knows this. He knows I won’t be able to go anywhere and that is why I’m guessing he thinks he can do what he wants. Going to his parents is pointless, not effective and more stressful then staying. Talking politely, screaming, shouting, crying..nothing helps. I have no idea how am I gonna pass that.
And I still have to tell his parents he is gambling again..
Despite all my worries and duties I have managed to buy myself two pairs of shoes 😉 and it feels good..walking in town looking only for ‘my stuff’ was making me little bit happy and also i hope to meet my friend next week for chat. So I’m looking forward to that.

[Caroline]

Hi fresiajess! I have just seen your post and i am very sorry you have to deal with a husband that gambles. All of us here have experienced a lot due to Cgs even though we all have different level of patience, understanding and faith. I am sure a lot of people here have missed it too so hopefully when velvet reads it she will advice you to write more about yourself that you will get great support you might need. I am looking forward to read more about you and hopefully we can learn more from each other. Take care, fresiajess.

[Caroline]

I found out today , two weeks ago my father in law gave my husband £300 to basically help my CG with his little home made business that he started after he was clear of gambling for few months.
I obviously knew he’s got money from somewhere and I thought he has changed his allowance from my f.i.l. to his account. His parents and sisters think he isn’t playing and I just don’t know if to tell them.I know if do tell them there’s gonna be another big fight in the family and as my CG says they already have lots of problems. His parents and all family is not approving his gambling addiction, they know it causes a massive problem, his mum always says she is so sorry he is doing it to me. But crying, begging, fighting, setting new rules doesn’t help. And I know if they find out my CG will be so nasty to me, grumpy and god knows what else. I don’t think I am ready for another fight..and my children… i don’t want them to face another shouting and listening to crazy words their CG dad says about me…nothing of which is true. I can’t say I’m perfect as nobody is but I never have done anything to hurt him, lied to him or said bad about him in front of our children. I have always looked after him, he has dinner, clothes ready and everything as normal everyday. And I have never ever complained to anyone about anything else of him except gambling and things that it causes. And I can’t say we haven’t got food, clothes and simple things you need in this life but that’s only because I fought for it. Few years ago after a massive fight I went to my in laws and stayed for few days. After my husband came and smashed the door glass cuz nobody opened( as we all knew if he comes there will be another fight) so we called police and they took me and kids to a hostel for one night. After that I went back cuz like always believed in my CG manipulations. Then I said he has to change the benefits ( yes! He gets benefits, he’s a lazy geek sat all day at home) so we can have shopping and things for kids as they need. So now since then every week me and my in laws go shopping together, his dad gives me my husband’s money in the car and that’s the way it goes. So today his mum asked me did he use that £300? And I was shocked and I said I didn’t know anything about it. I think they realised he started playing again, but need my confirmation.and I didn’t say anything.I just said I’ll ask him what happened. I’m not ready for the fight, for the arguments. I know I’m leaving it and making it worse but how can o sort it out without getting everyone involved? If I tell one person all will find out. That’s how it is in his family. Everyone wants to know but no one knows what to do! And my kids need peace now, as they go school and they doing so good there my 5 years old son is progressing so well he might do two years in one. I don’t want to mess their routine and I know if there is a argument there is a lot of shouting, crying and bad words. I don’t know.. Sorry for my baby language and mistakes…I hope someone understood me..I tried my best to write in English.

[Caroline]

Thank you so much I have read all your posts at least three times that’s how much I enjoyed them.
You all are so amazingly right on how does CG behaves and thinks and what does and doesn’t bother him. You all have definitely convinced me to what I wasn’t sure about so thank you so much for that.
I know that my CG would let me do whatever I want as long as I take all my kids with me and leave him at home or sit with them in the other room so no one can disturb him. I think I’m not the only one that experienced this and many more. The more I read on this website the more I can see that not only me living in such a weird and pathetic situation. I can’t remember who’s thread was it but I read in it that the lady was sleeping with her purse and I couldn’t believe it but I did exactly the same.. Untill he started to search for it so now I keep my money in a place I very much doubt it he would find. Although he did discover some of them in the past. It’s obviously not a lot but enough to treat myself with something nice. As I’m not working i have to do so many daft things like that, throwing recipes away so he doesn’t know how much change I’ve got from shopping, taking sale label off so he thinks I paid full price and many many more simply and sadly because he does not provide spending money for me.
I know it’s easy to say I’m gonna now start thinking about myself and look after myself and kids but I am willing to start trying to do that otherwise I know I will become bigger blob than I am now:).
I hope to be able to come for chat on Tuesday. 🙂

[Caroline]

Thank you velvet, it’s so nice to read your posts. It really gives me so much hope and reassurance.
As I expected our discussion with my husband didn’t take place cuz like always he found some excuse ( need to go somewhere, no time, etc) , so for now I have decided to wait and don’t push him and see if he maybe will come to me and talk.
Also I have decided to start focusing on myself and do things which I like. I know it will be hard to do or maybe only hard to start to think not about him but me…
I was just wondering and I’m probably wrong but what would happen if he sees that I’m becoming happy and not so bothered about his behaviour, wouldn’t he think that his actions and gambling don’t affect me and wouldn’t he think then that is ok to behave like this always? See, again I am trying to think about him not myself.
I enjoyed the chat yesterday 🙂 it was surprising and different, funny too;)

[Caroline]

Yeh I didn’t know either. Hope to join in and see how it is. Never experienced it before.

Thanks Jenny and Velvet. I couldn’t ask for better answers to my questions. Sometimes I am like a little girl that you have to hold by hand and tell what to do word by word. I love the idea of just doing things for myself..bit selfish but I guess that’s the only way to start getting stronger and feeling better.

[Caroline]

Dear Velvet, what exactly do you mean by looking after yourself. You suggested going to the park or play a game with the kids and not to think about gambling problem but should I involve my CG in it and take him with us to play or is it just strictly me and kids? Sorry I know I’m a bit silly sometimes.. But I really need some advice how to cope living with a gambler.
Yesterday my CG and me decided that on Tuesday(tomorrow) we will talk about his change, about what steps to take to start fresh… I’m not sure if to take it serious as we already done that millions of times. But I never knew and still don’t know what to tell him, what to advice him and how to talk with him, so please could anyone write anything that will guide me.

[Caroline]

tiredandhopless, i have read your post and i must say i feel and worry exactly as you do… and i do think that leaving the marriage is not always a good solution. For my children i too would like to have mum and dad together. oh well there are stories that ended with gambler changing and stopping!! and that is what keeps me hoping.

[Author]

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