[Can’t cope]

I cannot begin to tell you how bad the last 2 days have been. Talk about being ‘on one’. The verbal abuse reached an all time high.

Do you remember me saying that while my family offer support they truly don’t understand the enormity if it all.

Well sent a couple of them screen shots of his texts. They were horrified. But once again it was a stream of advice as to what I should do. Except for one who offered me a key so I can escape there whenever needed.

Is the group chat tomorrow Velvet?

[Can’t cope]

Thank you to all of you for your comments.
Geordie, that must have been very difficult to share and I appreciate the fact that you did.

When I received the text saying sorry my initial response, which I actually typed, was thank you. But something stopped me and I deleted that and sent ‘ok.’

I have not mentioned it since.

In fact what I have done is give him some timelines of when he needs to sort things out.

He has a month to find a job. If he doesn’t the direct debit set up for his next years season ticket will be cancelled. Up until now I have paid it but have told him that it is now his responsibility. I have already had, ‘If you take that away from me I will literally have nothing.’ My response was that if this is the life he is choosing to lead that that is what happens.

He has stolen from us in the past. Mainly from his brothers (apart from the initial money he gambled on my card) but whenever he has had a birthday or Christmas, I have always taken the cost of what he stole from any money given to him.

When he trashed the house I called the police on him. They were very close to arresting him for criminal damage. It was me who asked them to give him one more chance. At 17 I didn’t want him to have a criminal record and hamper his chances of getting a job in the future.

It has been made very clear to him that if he damages anything, steals anything or hurts anyone, I will have no hesitation in calling the police again.

I think this does have some effect on his thinking.

Is it daft that I find it easier to deal with the big things like that?

Its the daily ‘Can I have £2 for a bottle of coke?’ ‘Can I have a fiver for a takeaway?’ ‘Can I have a fiver for……’ Parents of most boys this age will probably think… well yeah, thats the norm. But for me its reading between the line and knowing that what he is really saying is ‘Can I have money to gamble or buy weed.’

It really breaks my heart to know that I cannot trust him one iota. He used to tell me everything when he was younger, innocent. Now he tells me so he can justify his actions in a twisted sort of way and I think that he thinks that if I know then its ok. Of course I also know he only tells me what he wants me to know and I also know that a lot of it is concocted stories to try and appeal to my ‘mummy’ side. I wish I knew five years ago what I know now. I would have handled things so differently. But who could know what they are going face in the future when their beautiful babies grow up.

I try to remind myself that it could be worse. What happened in Manchester, very close to me, broke my heart. I still cannot get rid of the feeling that those parents must have had when their children were not answering their phones that night. I am grateful that my eldest still can.

[Can’t cope]

Hi Velvet
I had a breakthrough yesterday, it may seem small to many but if they knew my son they would know it was massive to me.

He text and asked me for money, saying it was for tobacco,
I responded with no (insert his name) if you can’t afford it, you don’t do it.

I then received 5 texts which were rather insulting to say the least, the final one saying ‘Bring it on mateee.’

I didn’t reply to any of them.

Then 55 minutes later he text me one word. A word I have not heard him say in a long time.

‘Sorry.’

He is still in there.

I finally feel that holding my nerve and sticking to my resolve is paying off.

It had crossed my mind that he might turn to crime if I stopped giving him any money but I am hoping and praying that deep inside his morals and sense of right are embedded enough to to stop him.

I know people may snigger at me for thinking that after everything he has put me through but I also know that he is safe in the knowledge that I will never stop loving him. He also knows that for every action there is a consequence and that to turn to crime would have very serious implications. He is also vulnerable and scared, hopefully scared enough to avoid those situations.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying it will be plain sailing from now on because I have lived this for nearly 4 years. But I am going to enjoy this baby step in the right direction and I am going to pat myself on the back for sticking to my position with him.

CC x

[Can’t cope]

You brought tears to my tonight, I was so proud of him, he had everything going for him. He is intelligent and was so confident and sociable. He was highly thought of as a football referee and was even chosen to officiate a woman’s FA cup game. Unfortunately he no longer accepts games because his confidence is on the floor. He flew through his GCSE’s, all A* and A’s but two attempts to do his A’levels failed. He avoids family get togethers because he feel he is being judged. He doesn’t see the love and support around him. He just pushes everyone away. My brother who was so close to him is not only worried about him but hurt by these actions. I hate seeing this deterioration in his relationships. He lost his girlfriend and he knows why but still won’t change.
Tonight was another long period of him hounding me for money. Apparently he didn’t pay all his debts off and is danger of being beaten up again. All I can think is did he? Didn’t he? If he did then is this him trying to get more money? If he didn’t then did he actually win his bet? Which ever way I turn I come to the conclusion that he is lying.
He hounded me for so long I ended up asking him to go out.
I understand its his addiction, whether it be the gambling or the weed. I know my little boy is in there somewhere. It breaks my heart.

[Can’t cope]

Thanks again Velvet, your words are very comforting.
My middle son is a bit of an enigma to me, he will tell me what my eldest son is up to but then join in smoking weed and has even gambled. How ever his personality is very different. He is much more in control of his actions. He is studying for his A’levels and is determined to do well. But I still feel suspicious towards him because I know that he too has lied to me about the weed and what he needs money for.
He spends most of his time with my eldest but is often threatened by him and they have had some physical fights. On one occasion my eldest threw a tv remote at him splitting the top of his nose open. They both have season tickets for their favourite football team and socialise together.

My youngest hates all the anger and upset in the house. It really upsets him. We spend a lot of time together. He loves to go to Costa or Starbucks which is becoming a bit of a regular on a Saturday morning 🙂 He is the one who keeps me sane. He is very loving and giving, the exact opposite of my eldest. He is doing his GCSE’s at the moment, has his own You Tube channel and loves anything to do with media and drama. He likes football too but doesn’t go as he says he enjoys it when they go and he knows we have several hours of peace and quiet together. He has his own circle of friends, all of whom see to be lovely lads.

I am still sticking to my resolve with my eldest. He had bought drugs on loan with the intention of paying it back with some baby sitting money. However he ended up getting more than he earned and so needed an extra £20. He has been begging me to give it to him as he is scared that he will get beaten up if he doesn’t pay it back. He called me a murderer when I still refused.

He then waved the £20 he had earned at me and told me I was making him go and gamble it as it was the only way he could get enough money to pay his debt.
He couldn’t wait to tell me he had won and had cleared his debt and paid his brother back what he owed him. ‘One in the eye for you mum.’

I am so tired. I just want it to be over. I just want him to be better, to be happy, to have pride in himself, to love himself.

[Can’t cope]

Hi Velvet
Thank you for your response.

It is only me, and has been for the past 11 years. His father left because of gambling issues.

That possible is the beginning of my son’s problems, he was very close to his dad but once his dad meet someone else he distanced himself from the boys very quickly and began a new family. My boys see him once a week for a couple of hours and see him more as a friend who treats them to a game of pool/table tennis/badminton and a mcdonalds. They choose more often than not not to go nowadays.

My son and his dad shared a love of football and through that is where i think the gambling may have been introduced. My son will now gamble on anything even an ice hockey match which he knows nothing about.

I am not scared of him, and for some reason even if I may have been I have never shown it.

I have been through a very bad time, I was bullied in my last job with detrimental effects which resulted in a suicide attempt. At the same time my eldest son was horrendously abusive and would constantly damage things in the home. My other two were very scared of him at that point. My eldest, to this day, blames himself. In my mind I was in no fit state to help any of them.

Yesterday was horrendous, he had bought tickets for a concert for his brothers birthday. But as he has not been going to work he had no money for travel. I agreed to buy the train tickets but he had to clean his room first (I cannot describe the state he lets it get into. After hours of verbal abusive he did it. Then he wanted money for beer. I refused telling him he need to try and enjoy things with out some sort of substance to alter his emotions. Another few hours of abuse. Eventually they set off, the only problem was that having bought the train tickets online they needed my card to collect them.
I gave this to my middle son with the instructions, don’t let him have it.
My eldest took the card off my middle son and used it to buy beer (dam this new swipe system). When the concert finished they ended up missing the last train home. I get a phone call from him to tell me which ends up in him swearing at me and demanding that I get them. If my middle son hadn’t been with him I would have left him to sleep in the train station. So a round trip of 3 hours gets them home. No thanks, just this continual expectation that it is my role to help in out in any situation. He then went out and even at 4am I had no idea where he was.

My life is like this every day.

I really like my new job but I need to prove myself quickly. The training is intense. I just wish he would give me a break.

I t takes every ounce of strength to keep my resolve and not give him money. I just want an end to it.

My family are aware of what is going on and offer ‘advice’ so often that I am at the point where its easier not to discuss it anymore. There just cannot comprehend the enormity of it all.

I keep telling myself that we will get through this but I am scared that I might not be quite strong enough.

[Can’t cope]

Thank you for your reply Geordie
It has been such a long journey already and I am struggling to stay strong with him.
From the moment he wakes up he is text me at work. I ignore him but end up with hundreds of messages asking why I am ignoring him. The job is new and there is a lot of training to do and its very hard to focus when he is behaving like this.
From the minute I get in from work he is pestering me for money. His mood changing from sad and apologetic to menacing and cruel and back again until I finally try and go to sleep.
I say sleep but I don’t, the stress of all this plays on my mind so heavily.
I know he needs to be ready to change and he tells me he is but it is always another way of manipulating me trying to get more money. Today he accused me of trying to force him into committing suicide because he feels I hate him so much.
Its so tiring.

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