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Just as I thought she made herself the victim and it became all about her. I have now completely exhausted all my resources and I owe everyone a mountain of money. Disgusting feeling

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Coming to a close. Not looking forward till tomorrow as I have to tell my accountant a lie and hope she buys it. Before that I need to tell a shrink about the mess that Ive made witch will start an emotional rollercoaster before the accountant. Still gamble free and trying to deal with the urges before they become triggers.

Feeling: Neutral

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I have not documented the urges. I will do that. Meeting a shrink on Friday morning to get that on the go and also the accountant on Friday. Still have no idea how to set things right but i am working it through step by step.

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Ive lost hundreds of thousands of pounds on this. Ive won some too so like you and like everyone knows the highs are crazy and the lows are hell. The math of this though is an escalation of gambling like I have been going through now and then at some stage we completely skid of the road like i am doing now. At this stage you don´t pay your bills you just wait for the reminders. You wonder if you will have work to go to. You wonder if your family will allow you to stay or talk to you again and you wonder if you want to live at all because what comes as this point is just tears and horror. So the reality is yes it is fun but the costs are to high to bear. So if you can stop having fun do. I could´nt.

gl in your recovery.

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Ty Jon that helped me. I get the feeling you have been through a similar journey to. And it is a question of choice . When I keep on thinking about the social implications and what it will do I just want to hide my head in the ground or run away. How did I loose site of reality so bad? It seems so easy to be or have a numb mind that goes on auto pilot and does all this crazy stuff but its a whole other story to stay alert and in control. The more you do of the same the more the devil takes over and then its like driving a fast car without stoping at the lights. The worst part is that I did not want to be this side of the river I wanted to have mastered the game and found a solution to all my shit. Hey I could gamble in 5000 pounds in wins in 50 mins flat I would not have to work or do anything else. I could let the company make profits and live of my gambling wins. Then god or life or the devil or fate stepped in and grabbed me by the balls and draged me back to earth. Slapped me down to the ground and put a foot on me so I could not fly anymore. And the results are always the same. We end up pocketless, bankrupts, have yelling wives or husbands wondering where the rent money or child support is.The lies we tell to stay in our own reality is also a universal gambling thing. As long as the bubble does not burst we can continue live on and “prosper”.

I hate the predictability of gambling. It makes f… sick to my stomach knowing that we all are apr doing the same and no one figures the shit out. As long as we are all happy and pressing on a button leaving a betting slip or betting on 20 and hoping the bloody nr shows up we are good. The other side makes auto cash on us and our side bleed in silence till the storm breaks. Result we wait for a knock on the door from people wanting the telly and they buy a new yacht on Malta. The whole thing should be banned. Advertising, gaming halls the … lot. If someone calculated the losses vs the wins the costs would be to great.

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I also made contact with my towns help for gamblers. Its cost me another 2-3000 pounds but hey better late than ever ey? I am so unsure about my future now I hav no clue. I try and cope by remembering that I have little ones that need me around and old ones that are dependant that I keep sane. Even though so much is lost I have some comfort in that those b…rs are not getting any more of my money. At the same time I am empty inside. I am empty. I am suposed to look forward to the future and I view it like I don´t want tomorrow to show up at all its to painful. But I do know it starts with a day at the time and i will start to live that way as its the only way forward from here.

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Ty for your post and advice. I will speak to my accountant on Friday. I may not say the complete truth to her but I have an idea how I can mend things and make them right. I wish the way we gamblers work could change. We need to create problems to try and uncreate them later. All triggers for more gambling I know but what bothers me is that the signs are so apparent. I think if the story is to pan out right I am to learn by this mistake and get so disgusted by my own behaviour that i never look at gambling again as an option. Unfortunately memory is sometimes short lived so I will need to be on the alert for those triggers. For now I am motivated to pack it in. I will get help to back it up as I realise as you say that this can only be handled with help. I don´t seem to know anything else. Gambling is the mistress that refused to leave. She has been with me since I was 20. That is a long time. I hate to say it but in a way it is good this happens so i can start to get well. I owe it to the people around me. I just hope i don´t let them down.

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I have a hard time dealing with the magnitude of this Its ripping its claws into me and its painful.

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Ty for your post. Yes there is no joy in gambling its a habit. I am staring into depths of hell atm and i did not want such a journey again in my lifetime ever. I have a very hard time to come to terms with it. I cant believe that I am here again after all these years. But then again I never ever really gave it up I just hid it better .
This time the money is to high to hide it and I may end up in prison for it. That is a sobering thought. It also makes this harder to bear. It will rip the family to shreds and all that i have created will be lost. I hope it does not come to that but it may.
So I have a nr of scenarios how this may play out. I am not sure about anything except that I will see a shrink at the earliest. I need that.

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Im not myself atm

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Im not myself atm

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I am looking at the finances and i feel like I am in a strange horror movie. Ive spent so much money. I have not told anyone yet but I am going to have to do that real soon. I am remorseful ashamed and sad. I did not mean to f… it up. I wish i could have had it all undone but I cant. I will get professional help on Monday. I need to talk to someone who can help me sort this f… mess out. Ive let everyone down but I cant stop and turn or run I need to own this problem and find solutions. I believe we are all here to learn things. Dam I must have been thick as pig shit in my former life as I seem to be cursed with this addiction for the rest of my time here. And yes I have had suicidal thoughts but that is the cowards way out. I may die from drinking my liver to death but I wont check out by suicide that is not how I want to be remembered.

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I started to win some money on roulette about a year ago. It has turned out to be the beginning of my downfall.I have turned over more money on my private accounts than what my company made. Its pretty insane but its the truth and I still cant keep what I win. It just fuels the fire to play more.Winning a thousand pounds does not even excite anymore. I had hoped that at this stage in my life I could stand up to it enough to say stop and no more today.I feel the bondage like never before. Unfortunately I am in a place where I can get hold of cash and I have crossed boundaries that should not be crossed. That makes me reckless and desperate.I can not confide in anyone about this. i have to sort it out and I have to own this problem no one else is going to touch it. That makes this forum all the more important even though I dont want to air my dirty laundery to anyone. I will find a way. I have to.Unfortunately my thoughts are very dark about this atm.It is painfull to look a my unknowing family. I dont want to hurt anyone. I have never wished for a month to pass faster than January. If I cant collect my thoughts enough I will seek some professional help. It feels like I need to talk to a shrink before this consumes me.

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I saw panorama today reg FOBT and got both happy and sad to see what it is doing. Happy to see that people are trying to flag about the problems and sad that the regulators try and throw water over the fire. It angers me that there is such a disregard against humanity over the urge to make money. It was enlightening to. Seing the brain react to the gambling brings it home in another way. I do not want to end upp a statistic. Somewhere there should be a way of rewiring the brain to act and do different. I am aware that I am doing wrong but I still do wrong. In a way I am happy I am broke. It gives me time to look into these things and process. I just which there was a pill to take or something that calms the stuff down when one has money in the pocket.

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