[butchugly]

The only escape seems to be willpower. And I really feel for the young generation. Because constant exposure almost normalises it!

[butchugly]

That’s what I’m thinking about buying. Lol

Woke up this morning to get ready for work. Scary thought.. Don’t know if anyone else on here has thought about this before.. Might be a bit dumb.. What am I going to do when I retire.. Scary thing.. What happens when I am old and I’m not working anymore.. It’s scary to think I will be living with this sickness. If I can never be complacent. Will I just lose everything.. Will I be able to resist? Or will I have to work till I die to keep me away from gambling. I’m not suicidal or anything but I can understand why people get to that point. I keep reading on here about people’s relapsed. Today is day 4. I’m still ok but after yesterday I realise how just one click.. And you’re back at square one. It scares me.

[butchugly]

Thanks to net nanny (gamblock doesnt work on Mac). I didn’t.. But would have. Clearly very little will power right now.

[butchugly]

I finished work early today. Did some food shopping online. Then had an urge.
Anyway… I didn’t resist fully.
What I mean is.. If I didn’t have a blocker on my lap top. I would have gambled.

Thank god I put that blocker on. I can’t believe how weak my willpower is.
So because I couldnt.. And glad I didn’t
I browsed the web for a deal on a coffee pod machine. Something I’ve wanted for ages. It took me two hours to choose one.
Point is. I successfully didn’t gamble.. Lol
Sort of. I didn’t buy the machine either! It’s in my basket. I realised just how impulsive I am right now. So I was justifying it. It would cost £120. Really I could spend that easy if I gambled so… What’s the big deal eh?
I still resisted. It’s in my basket online. And if I still wanted friday. I will buy it.
I think.!?
I don’t know how much of an achievement it was but it feels like an achievement/almost failure.
Regardless. I’m no money down.. Apart from my food shopping. So 1 good thing came out of it. I can go to sleep tonight without feeling sick, sad or panicky.. I can wake up tomorrow on day 4. And not day 1.. So I’m pretty happy.

[butchugly]

That has really ensured me!

[butchugly]

Am I a typical day three er?
Are you long time recovery people thinking. Ah.. She’s in day three mindset?

[butchugly]

I know it’s only day three. And today doesn’t technically count as I’ve been at work for 13 hours. But I only thought about gambling once today.. I don’t normally anyway when I’m at work.. Unless im p..ed off because im having to work extra to compensate for my own stupidity. But today was different.. I thought about gambling differently. I thought.. I don’t need you (gambling), I don’t want you, I want a life, I’m going change who I am because I don’t like me.. I’m going to meet the new me soon. I know it will be hard. That’s inevitable.. But I think in the end I will appreciate things more.. Maybe more than your average person.. Because whether it’s self inflicted or not… It’s been hard, painful and punishing. So anyone that ever judges a CG… They just don’t get how painful it is.. How damaging it is from within.. To come back from one of the hardest addictions to beat ever.. Is a major accomplishment. So anyone reading this.. Please remind me of this post when I am struggling. I’m not scared anymore.. Just impatient.. I want to feel that achievement now. But I’m not scared of the work.. Cause good things come from hard work right?

[butchugly]

Some how I’ve ended up with the same feed twice. I’ve had a little feedback. But regardless it’s nice to be able to voice my thoughts rather than hold it all in.

[butchugly]

And thank you fritz.. I found your comment very helpful.

Day two over.. It was too bad, thanks to this site. I know someone on this site had been talking about nightmares. I did not realise that this may be common. I’ve been having them for ages too. Especially after gambling. I had a bad on sat.. But that was the day I actually decided to do something about it.
I guess fear drew it out.. I woke up in sheer panic. I’m so glad someone posted about this. Because I didn’t know there was a link. I know people say.. Worste nightmare and all that.. Thought it was just a figure of speech. Still never linked it to my actual nightmares. Sunday I woke up wet. Thought I had wet the bed, then realised it was sweat.. From my dreams. Just goes to show how addicted I am.. I hope it’s just withdrawal, like from drugs. Because I long for the morning when I wake with a smile on my face.

Today is day 3. But I’m working, so I don’t think that counts.

Thank you again fritz and anyone else for your advice and support

[butchugly]

I feel empty a lot of the time. I feel I’ve lost my personality and my social skills outside of work and gambling. I’m slowly understanding that the music and the flashing lights, and features on slot machines have become my best friend/enemy. I still have friends but I feel lost when I’m with them. When I go out to dinner with my kids I talk to them but it feels like polite conversation.. As you would have with someone you’ve just met. I don’t quite know how to get that back. Real connections with humans.. Not machines

[butchugly]

Я часто чувствую себя опустошенным. Я чувствую, что потерял личность и свои социальные навыки вне работы и азартных игр. Я постепенно понимаю, что музыка, мигающие огни и функции игровых автоматов стали моими лучшими друзьями / врагами. У меня все еще есть друзья, но я чувствую себя потерянным, когда я с ними. Когда я иду ужинать со своими детьми, я разговариваю с ними, но это похоже на вежливую беседу … Как если бы вы разговаривали с кем-то, кого вы только что встретили. Я не совсем знаю, как это вернуть. Реальные связи с людьми .. Не с машинами

[butchugly]

I hope you fill your fridge and cupboards. I hope it gives you some satisfaction that you have money to buy food. Let me know how you get on charles. I too have a little bit of money. Not much. I intend to order my shopping tonight. At the end of March I will be in credit and should stay in credit from there on. I’m aiming to reduce my overdraft allowance each month so I can’t impulsive spend anything.. Just because I deserve a treat( gambling, illogically is what I have called a treat for so long) my treat for the next two months will be.. Seeing my bank balance in credit. Through hard earned cash. Not desperate gambling ( winning my money back) which rarely happened anyway

[butchugly]

Could it be a blessing. Maybe try and look at it like this. Yes this week may be a struggle.. But no money might be good right now. You are at a very early stage in recovery aren’t you?
So when you do get this money you are waiting for, you’ll have to pay all these things straight away. Less temptation? Or not

[butchugly]

So what do u plan on doing with the money you do have this week?

[butchugly]

Well I’ve made it through today.. My partner is home from work. My house is clean!! And ive sorted through odd socks that haven’t been paired for ages. Had a bag full of them. I haven’t wanted to gamble today. Probably because I’ve found something useful… And.. Beneficial. Feeling quite good about what I’ve done today.. Instead of bad if I had gambled. Still angry at myself though. One step closer eh?

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