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How are you. It’s been 5 days since you have posted…
How are you going to start burying this hole your in ….today? so you have a lot of catching up to do with work and you won’t really reap any rewards from that work… I get it.. that is very demoralising. Unfortunately looking ahead at that isn’t helping you really is it. do you think you can separate those factors you mentioned in your mind..I mean like creating a pile (of all the crappy stuff) and a small pile of good stuff…then when you take one thing off the pile of crappy, you can move it to the good pile…then you will slowly see the good pile grow? it makes sense in my head but not sure if i have explained it well.
in regards to YOU (physically)… baby steps?? something health to eat today? maybe a short 10 minute walk?
And yes I was stalking about mindfulness, its powerful stuff.
so its strange really, you already have the knowledge..as do I..I’m trying to apply it to myself,,,maybe you need to as well.
Its bizarre really.. sometimes I feel like Im in the eye of a tornado and all these things are spinning by me, my family, money, the beech, picnics, laughing and I’m just looking at it in this moment of stillness. Thing is I’m slowly starting to realise that I don’t want to be in that moment anymore..its lonely!.. I would rather be in amongst those things spinning around me because at least I’m not alone. But its a huge leap really. At the minute I am at the bottom (the narrow bit) and thats enough for me right now.read your thread a few days ago.. feel proud of yourself. In regards to your partner. Why are you still with him?
is this my future?? or is it that those that stay clean, don’t stay on this sight because they have no need to?
only way is up now!
You have to continue to be honest with yourself throughout your recovery Mav. POINT 1. You are NOT pathetic in any way shape or form. Living with depression is hard and its not visible. If you have a dodgy leg or cancer, you can see the problem, so you can’t hide it. With depression it takes a lot of soul searching and understanding-and those that don’t suffer with it can only understand the pain to a certain level. POINT 2 you can live a full and productive life. Like I keep seeing on here…1 day at a time. Sometimes it is such simple things that are right in front of you that you don’t appreciate. For example..when is the last time you ate one of your favourite foods and really tasted it? Making that extra effort to take in your immediate environment can help you to feel happier. Most people when they have a shower, they are thinking about a gazillion other things. Next time you have a shower… tell yourself before you get in, I am going to focus on the water…this is my time and all other thoughts are not aloud in. Next time your wife or child kisses you, concentrate on their lips and the love behind the kiss (or anger), its important regardless of the emotion attached .. its important to remind yourself of your current reality. That might seem trivial but it works. POINT 3. Your world of gambling is a form of self sabotage.. In your case by the sounds of it..as you have probably read, the endorphins released from gambling is the same as as when one would take heroin..hence it is so hard to quit..and why we chase to get that same feeling we did the last time..it has been scientifically proven. Some people have normal upbringings and some don’t but both can become hooked. In your case, from what you have said with the death of your father…I don’t believe that the death of your father had a direct impact as you were too young. But logically from my expertise, your mother may have indirectly had an impact as she would have been impacted by his death. It might be helpful you to read about attachment disorder…Bowlby is the first one to come up with the theory but Ainsworth took it further. People often think that from of attachment disorder, is an issue with forming attachments. This is somewhat true, however…it is a bit sneakier than that. there are several forms of attachment disorder. quite often it develops from inconsistency from parents. or even passive aggressive parenting (which often creates an insecure personality) though no fault of their own as they would not be aware they are doing it. There is so much to say about it to be honest so it would be better to read about it. It might help you understand. Point 4. understanding why, helps with recovering from depression in most cases. Self sabotage is often a direct result of having attachment issues because how we are nurtured is how our personalities develop.
It may be that the high from gambling, has helped conceal your emotions. I have found in myself that it has a numbing effect while I’m gambling not that I have a trouble childhood…but I have certainly had difficult times as an adult….not feeling was a relief for me..so I became hooked. If you can face your emotions (and understand them) I am confident that you will manage your depression.
On a final note….you have to look after yourself physically. That means eating, sleeping, fresh air.You can do this mav. and for now, just focus on the little things. Bigger things will come from those little things.. And keep telling yourself.. If I won a million, I would lose two million because that is the reality of it. If you struggle with anxiety, please ask for help. I have some excellent tools that I use with my patients that can help with that. In the meantime, find one thing positive about yourself each day…and savour the things you used to like (e.g. chocolate). Create your own haven (e.g. the shower). Feel the emotions attached to those kisses.
Best wishes BU
I’m on day 5. I feel pretty good too. Don’t get me wrong I have thoughts and questions but as a whole I feel like I can move forward now. I think without this support, I may have attempted to win my money back. But I’ve accepted it’s gone! I look forward to reading about your progress/recovery.
I’m right here with you. Im 5 days in. My best advice to you right now is to do what maverick has just said. As I’m a newbie to all this I can only understand your pain right now. At a guess, you may have periods over the next month until you get paid again of thinking I will win it back. Please keep using this site instead.. Of gambling your next wages. Try and get in the mindset that it’s gone…. Accept the money is gone now. Start fresh next month.
You are doing so great!! And I’m pleased that you ordered your food!! I hope you eat and sleep well. You deserve to feel good and happy
Make sure you occupy yourself today and tonight then. Make sure you have something in place.
I have been off work today. I went shopping instead. I spent a lot but spent far less than I would have gambling and now I actually have something to show for my money. It’s brilliant being gamble free for 5 days. I just hope I don’t develop a shopping addiction from it. Regardless, it seems far better to have material things than pressing my enter button on my key board a 1000 times and losing loads of money. Because for me…. I always lose, never manage to cash out.
Best of luck and keep us postef