[butchugly]

I’m going to tell my partner tonight. Im handing it all over to him. Probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done. And the thing ive avoided for so long out of sheer embarrassment and humiliation. I can’t do this myself, he has to know. I’m working today. And won’t see him till 11 tonight. May not be a good time.. Because of the time. So I’ll judge it when I get home from work. I will update on here as soon as I’ve talked to him.

[butchugly]

Devil got me again. I just wish it was a bad dream. 1 fleeting thought and BAM!! Why don’t I have will power!!

[butchugly]

I just wanted to say well done!! Your motivation and attitude has inspired me

[butchugly]

I agree.. Money is important. But not as significant as that soul destroying feeling.

[butchugly]

I would have lost it somewhere along the line.. My brain wanted to believe I would do this and that with the money but my heart knows that it would have sucked me back in and probably for more. Luckily when I withdrew ( prior to reverse withdraw) I set a deposit limit.. If I hadn’t of done that… I’m almost sure I would have deposited more to illogically recoop some of the money) so at least I did something right!! Lol
Anyway as said on my other post, today is a another day. I lost money but gained something. Confirmation… I CANT GAMBLE EVER!! It’s a pointless and heartbreaking pastime that screws me up for a life time. I don’t want that, what a stupid choice to make eh?

[butchugly]

Can u use it on Mac? I might take u up on that.

[butchugly]

I’m there.. I WILL put up a fight. I’m so much better than this horrible disease! : )

[butchugly]

Ok… I screwed up. I’m disappointed in myself. But… Maybe I’m wrong for thinking or saying this but…
Maybe it needed to happen. I felt pretty good for 18 day, gamble free. I actually felt like I was in control, optimistic about life(not winning). I haven’t felt so clean and pure emotionally for such a long time, and didn’t know what I was missing until those 18 days. I bought myself new things ( that money would have gone to a casino). So I now have a couple of outfits,a nespresso machine and a new hair do. All because I didnt gamble. And u know what I’m still enjoying those things and reaping the benefits. And I probably appreciate them more purely because I know where that money would have gone. Don’t get me wrong I cannot continue to spend money as I don’t have the same excess funds ( even though I managed to find money to gamble). I want to better myself so I can be realistic about my spending because I will have real objects infront of me : ).. Point is I’m glad in a way I gambled because it hurt a lot… Emotionally and financially. I can imagine that that feeling would be a lot more intense had I been 6 months clean.. With a bucket of savings… Because, no doubt I would have gambled any savings. So I hope I’m right and not being overly confident but I see it as sticking your hand on a hot stove and saying ouch!! Rather then walking into an incinerator..
I did not like how I felt yesterday.. Today is another day tomorrow will be day three. I hope for just a rocky road instead of an avalanche.

[butchugly]

Im not glad that others have to experience this but I am glad there are other people out there who ‘get it’. Vera you are 100% right… trouble is I have known this for a long time now…where has that got me..I think its worse sometimes because I’m not naive about it, I could have wrote the program to suck people in… Another CG must have come up with the revers withdrawal option and probably got paid millions to do it… How sick is that..I would never dream of doing this to another person…its cruel. Yet I fall into the trap every time..

[butchugly]

I will be using safari. Luckily I am on nights for the next three days and will be sleeping monday and busy work schedule next week too. I am not sure when my friend will come to do the net nanny but I get paid next friday so as long is its before then… I do have the urge to win what I lost last night but I know that is illogical. And to be honest I feel like crap about myself right now..dont want to do that to myself agin.. hope it doesn’t take to long for me to feel good about myself again..as I felt 3 days ago..grrr

[butchugly]

On day 18.. Which happens to be the 18th. I gambled.. As my net nanny was a trial, it alerted me that I needed to pay for it as it’s no longer active. I hesitated because I have arranged with a friend to set it up properly for me and she is coming over to me next week.. So she can password it.. That evening I had the urge.
Why oh why??!!!
The thought WASNT there prior to that. So I ended up spending £675. I won all together 2600 but could only withdraw a 1000 at a time plus I had the wait of ‘verifying’ my account. So onthe grand ol’ scheme of things I clicked withdraw a thousand… I went to bed happy at 5am yesterday morning.. I woke up.. I was ok and sent all my verification details. Then evening came. I spent 1600 that was left… And then stupidly reversed withdrawed.. And lost the whole lot. Now I’ve got to go to my bank and put some money in before bills come out. I will do that by withdrawing cash on my credit card. Such an idiot!!

[butchugly]

I’m on day 14 today. Had the urge for about 5 minutes… Because I was stressed from work today. I had a little cry instead.. Going to watch a movie instead. I’m happy that I’ve got through these two weeks but feeling flat right now so I guess the buzz was appealing to me.

[butchugly]

After all these years, maybe its time that you accept her for who and how she is. Its not you..its her. Don’t let it define you. I know its easier said than done but I see a lot of people that are troubled and indirectly reflect there relationships with parents in there own lives. You cannot change your mum. She is how she is and her attitude and behaviour is not your responsibility. Just love her for being your mum. And love yourself for who You are.

Regards
BU

[butchugly]

thanks for your post Bettie. I guess its something I have to accept. Time will heal my wounds but the scars will always be there Hopefully they fade and I am only reminded when I look closely at them, I just hope I don’t look at them too long and can focus on the unflawed areas of my life.
kind regards
BU

[butchugly]

I too am normally a strong person. I feel that this one problem pulls me down. Don’t get me wrong, I have problems but not weighted ones like this. Keep trying because it’s worth it.

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