[butchugly]

I like your attitude. It has definitely helped me

[butchugly]

I went to my first counselling session Wednesday. I was very skeptical. It went well anyway. I got a little emotional and realised a few things. The point is it made things bearable to face. Today I have £3 in my purse. I managed to make the cold hard cash in my purse do what it needed to do and I’m slowly learning the value of money. The shame I feel is still there and I can’t help but think about what financial position I would be in had I not gambled. I know I would be doing a lot more over the Easter holz that’s for sure. But at least I’m alive I guess… I think shame may be my biggest hurdle to overcome. I hope my partner can look at me the same way he used to soon. He is kind to me, helpful and supportive. But there’s still a different look about him.

[butchugly]

Guilt guilt guilt over rules me! So I had £110 in my purse today. I bought £40 of fuel. Spent some in tesco. Then bought ejuice for my ecig. Then bought a birthday present for my daughter’s father ( didn’t really want to). Then bought my youngest new shoes for school. That left me £7. I’m not sure how much parking will be when I go to councelling tomorrow so that £7 will come in handy. What really got to me is my youngest hinted at a pair of converse joggers. And in reality, I should have bought them for her.. But because of my gambling I just can’t afford it. Not with my 16yr old’s birthday Tuesday. So I feel guilty of cheating my children of things they deserve. I will get another £40 next week. But I’m taking the girls to the movies as I couldn’t afford it this week. So that will leave me with £15 in my purse. That’s all. It’s going to be like this for a long time. It guilts me because, I’ve done this to my family. I’m not sure how I’m going to enjoy life. I’m sure I’ll find a way in time.. And again.. I’m starting to understand the value of money again. Shame there’s not more coming in so that this recovery is a bit easier. I’m going to try and save at least £10 of the 15, and maybe the same next week so I can treat the family to a take away or something.. Seems so piddily but that’s all I can do.

[butchugly]

I do realise that this is exactly why I have relapsed.. So I’m thinking, once I fgure out how to enjoy other things and when I start liking myself again, the desire to gamble will gradually decrease. Especially when I see my relationships with people blossom and my finances improve. I just want it to happen now!! That’s the CG talking

[butchugly]

Logic tells me that I will get used to this but my heart and soul is struggling to believe it. I’m so used to premeditating what things will feel like. I’m a planner. Need to know what’s going to happen next. This time for this THING, I’m just waiting. It’s like.. What’s next. Today my partner and I were trying to work out what future money can be saved towards our wedding. We are only JUST going to cut it.. Very finely. Then I was trying to work out how much cash I’m going to need this week. As im off.. So im sitting there adding up.. Hmm lets see. I need x for fuel for my car, x to take the girls to the movies and x for new school shoes for the youngest. So anyway, I’m trying to come to an exact figure… So he can give me the cash (since I no longer have my cards). I’m glad he’s doing this.. But I tell you what, something else that I’ve just woken up to… The value of money… Gees, I completely lost any value to money…prior to today. Adding those things together kills my two week budget. So next week I’ll have none. Maybe a few pounds but that’s it. And payday in 4 weeks. Can’t look forward to that.. Cause I won’t see any of it, or the next month. Infact I won’t see any of what I earn until my wedding in July. Then after that.. I’ll be getting out of debt for two years.. I know that’s how it’s got to be, but it sucks!! I guess all I can do now is get to know myself again as the nongambler. Noncandycrusher and whatever other game I could get hooked on. BU the chef? BU the walker? BU the sit and stare at the tver? Socialising?? What’s that? I mean I’ve got a lot of work to do now to change.. And I want to change. It’s just so daunting .. Sorry for the rant.. Just feel stuck..

[butchugly]

48 hrs of no gaming what so ever. Struggling to occupy my free time. If I had money I would go do something. I’ve baked but that’s it. My mind is stuck on this at the mo.. I’ve got a counselling appointment booked for two days time errrr. Feel in limbo. It’s really hard to look forward right now. I’m not suicidal or anything. But I do feel lost. I hope this gets better soon

[butchugly]

Maybe u could look into the science of it. You may feel less enclosed to keep punishing yourself. Also I read that with your playing or watching, it still causes the same reaction in your brain. So I’m guessing that you need to give it all up. To start your brain producing and storing dopamine and serotonin naturally. While your still doing that, watching videos, your not allowing your brain to recover. That’s my take after all my reading today. I now know that I’m a solitary gambler. Therefore playing any game in solitude wone help me. Because while I’m doing that… I’m releasing dopamine. Plus I’m not recovering back to a social person I once was. Knock on effect.. If I’m not social, I’m in solitude, if im in solitude I’ll want to gamble… At least for a while I think.

[butchugly]

Err that was hard.
They are going to call me back. I don’t know why but I don’t feel I want to go to counselling or GA. But I guess it’s the next step

[butchugly]

I don’t like it. I’m going to change that. However long it takes

[butchugly]

You need to stop now! Maybe find something else that’s positive as an alternative. I’m going to start cooking. Try new recipes. Become a master chef. At least my family can enjo it too

[butchugly]

This may seem a bit daft but I don’t think I really have registered what deep urges feel like. Obviously I know they are there or I wouldnt be a CG. But I’ve been trying to think what they feel like. Because I think of gambling and then gamble. I go from thought to playing. I don’t even try and ride through any urges to know what it feels like. So I have that to come I guess. When I didn’t gamble prior to my most recent spree, I didn’t want to. I was so angry at it and it felt good not to gamble. I realise now that my anger held me. But anger isn’t going to help me manage this disease. Does that make any sense?

[butchugly]

But I can say I’m feeling much like you right now with a lot of shame added to these emotions. I hope to see you getting better and feeling better because if you can then that means I can too. This weekend has been a particularly bad weekend and I’ve really struggled. So I hope knowing that I have been reading your comments regularly in hope of seeing you get better may motivate you to keep going. You know the saying ‘ misery likes company’ this is the opposite.. Recovery likes company. So please accompany me through this because it friggen hard!

[butchugly]

I’ve told my parents too. I’ve cried more this weekend than I have for the last 10 yrs. I feel like I’ve opened a can of worms that I can’t cope with. And I feel ashamed. Sleezy, scummy and ugly. Can’t bare to look at myself.

[butchugly]

I tried to call my partner on the phone today as I wanted to offload straight away before I talked myself out of it. He didn’t answer the phone. I wrote him a long text. I told him as much as I could in a text. I told him almost the truth. I told him it is a deep problem and could ruin me if I don’t stop now. That is the truth. I didn’t tell him how much money I’ve lost. Just said a lot. I asked him not to ask how much. As what is done is done. That I just need to move on from it. I haven’t heard from him yet. I know he has a really busy day and won’t be home for a few more hours. He is usually quick with responding to me about anything. This time he’s said nothing yet. So I’m hoping he’s just trying to digest the reality of what used to b my problem ( now OUR) problem. I’ve avoided this for so long. Not so I can keep gambling. And I thought it was just embarrassment. I realise that is embarrassment is one factor the other is… I just didn’t want it to become his problem too. I’m the fixer normally… For everyone I know. I’m not good at putting my burdens on others. I’ve just shared a major, nasty horrible burden. To someone I love, just so I can cope… How is that fair?

[butchugly]

I can only advise on the mental health stuff. It’s this compulsive bit I struggle to get to grips with. I will say I think relapsed are more painful than before I started the path to recovery.

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