[butchugly]

1 yr on. Not completely gamble free but not far off. Almost debt free.. And now I have social life.. I don’t have many days where I hate myself. I actually like myself. I have a college at work who is where I was maybe 2 yrs ago.. Winning a lot and losing every now and again. I see how depressed he gets when he has lost a lot but still thinking ‘I’ll make it up next time’
I’ve tried to tell him but he thinks he’s no where near as bad as me. Anyway I’ve watched him struggle with the reality of being a compulsive gambler. He’s got a way to go yet. I want to intervene but he won’t let me. It helps me though, cause I know how far I have come. There’s no way I’m going back.. Well not ‘two step back’ anyway. So any new comers reading this.. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you’ve just gotta keeping chipping away at the bricks in the way..

[butchugly]

Don’t know if you remember me. I joined around the same time as u. Can’t believe how fast the time has gone. Haven’t wrote on here for ages. Well I can’t say I’ve been gamble free like you.. I envy you for that. BUT… I have made progress. I have slipped a couple of times but they’ve been small slips. I’m nearly out of debt and am now able to live life instead of being sucked up by this antisocial disease. Point is.. When I slip I don’t beat myself up but just tell myself off.. But clearly I am no where near in the same league as you.. I don’t want to gamble. I hope one day I can talk myself out of an incredible urge. I’ve avoided even reading posts from here. My email alerts me at least 5 times a day and I delete them all.. Kinda so I don’t have to be reminded of how horrible I felt a year ago. But I decided to look at your post just out of curiosity as I know we were both in the same place a year ago. It’s good to hear how well you’ve done.. I’m glad I looked. It’s woke me up to the reality of how closely I need to keep an eye on myself.

Best wishes
Butchugly aka paula

[butchugly]

I started my journey on the 1 of march and relapsed three weeks in and lost more in that hit then I ever had. It was a huge learning curve for me and I had to put blockers in place and be honest with myself and others. I haven’t gambled since. I don’t want to gamble. Thanks to chatting in one of the groups on here I was guided in the right direction. I have had 6 counselling sessions which I didn’t have to pay for. I didn’t realise there was free support until talking to one of the support workers on here. They found somewhere local for me, so I went. Wow, what a difference. I know I have a long road ahed and times will be tough but at least I can enjoy things now, and so can you.

[butchugly]

You can stop. I won’t lie, its not easy. But there is no shame here, just honesty. Honesty of others really helps. If you have urges, or follow through with the urges, just post on here or seek help in the chat rooms. My story isn’t far off from yours, with the secret online gambling and mine has developed over many years. I’m nearly two months gamble free and life is definitely getting better. I am enjoying simple things in life again, such as having roast dinner or watching tv.. It felt weird at first which maybe feel like I would never get past it. Figuring out what to do with myself day to day when I would’ve been gambling. It just got easier as the weeks have gone on. Keep posting : )
BU

[butchugly]

Its been nearly two months since my last spree. I haven’t had any deep urges, just fleeting thoughts of regret and the occasional flash back of rainbow riches and a few others I liked playing. The sadness seems to be slowly disappearing. I also seem to appreciate life so much more, my family, my home and even work. I enjoy time alone too, which is something I had been very afraid of since starting this journey of recovery. I know deep down I cannot be trusted still as this site has highlighted to me how quick an urge can turn into a relapse hence blockers still in place. I have actually become acustomed to not holding my debit cards. Infact my partner had to give me one of my cards last week because I had to take my dog to the vets, and I couldn’t wait to get rid of it, I almost see having any card as a burden.
I think I may have had a mini relapse three weeks ago and ongoing, not with gambling but playing pool on my phone. It may seem daft but my daughter invited me to play against her and that was it BOOM-hooked. I haven’t been playing any games up till then. That may not seem like a big deal but I am spending money via iTunes to compete in matches. Yes its not a game of chance hence probably why there aren’t any urges to gamble but I have become addicted. So I am ashamed of that and now find myself ‘trying’ to not play and failing. Its almost laughable in some ways but is problematic. I do wish I did not have an addictive personality. Anyway just thought I would post to say hi. feedback about pool would be nice.

BU

[butchugly]

I would like to make a few points

1. Did you chose to become a CG?
Ok so you’ve finally accepted you are a CG after years of trying to convince yourself your not.
2. Do you think that people should pay for their mistakes for the rest of their lives? ( I don’t mean pedophiles or hardened murders) but just normal people?
3. Do you think I don’t deserve the chance to make my life better, a chance to live and enjoy the smaller things in life? Because if you do think every person on here should be given that chance, why shouldn’t you?
4. Do you feel sorry for yourself? Or your family and your mistake? It’s all about reassessing how you feel. The key word is feel. If you feel sorry for yourself? You need to ask yourself why. If you feel sorry for your family and your mistake, then you are doing the right thing by trying to change and make it better. When someone tries to mend things, that usually means they are truly sorry.
5. Where is regret going to get you? Where’s guilt going to get you? Just be sorry and make it better.
6. Do you want to be happy? I mean really happy? If so, what do you have to do to be happy? You’ve taken the 1st step by trying to stop gambling. Is it helpful to your situation to stop gambling? If so, what else would be helpful?
7. Do you want to forgive yourself? It’s ok to say.. I got it wrong, I’m going to learn from this. I want to be a better person. I deserve some joy in my life. I want some joy in my life. I want to be trust worthy so I’m going to work towards that.
8. Is CG an illness? I believe it is. I did not want this ever! I doubt you do either. If you believe it’s an illness then..
Ok no one made us gamble.. We chose that.. But some people can gamble safely. Because they are not compulsive. The compulsion is the illness bit. We did NOT choose that. We did not know what gambling was going to lead to.. Otherwise, we would have never gambled in the first place. We did not chose illness, it chose us.
But we do have a choice to fix it and make it better. You’ve made that choice. Be proud of that!
Yes 3 yrs ago, you knew there was a problem. But did you foresee the last three years since recognising the problem? No, you believed you could recoop some money, you could control it. Hence why you continued.. Like me. If you could foresee how you would feel now.. Would you have carried on? I doubt it.. Unless you have munchausen syndrome. You have an illness. People that are told that they need to watch there diets because they are developing diabetes very often go into denial.. And continue to eat inappropriately. Then suddenly BAM they end up with type 2 diabetes. Still doesn’t mean they go on insulin, they can manage it with diet. If they carry on ignoring it then yes, they will have to be treated. Are they bad people? I don’t think so, they just didn’t believe it would get that bad. So then they accept treatment and get on with they’re lives. They enjoy social gatherings etc.. But they don’t eat sugary foods so they can live. Point is, your not a bad person. And you have an illness. So as Long as you stay away from sugar and accept treatment, you can and will have a full life. And you deserve it.
It’s ok to make mistake, it’s ok to say sorry to your family but most importantly, say sorry to yourself, and choose life. If your sorry… It’s time to move forward, forget the past. It’s time for a new and better you.
Take care

[butchugly]

Knowing that if I stay clean, I won’t have to go through that pain again.

[butchugly]

A toast to you matey. Today will be a great day. Who knows what tomorrow will bring! You are on a bumpy road to recovery, as the rest of us but at least your own b that road which is nearer day by day.

[butchugly]

Wow it’s gone so quick!! I guess the therapy is helping and coming clean to my family has made this possible. Definitely not will power …yet. I’m no where near ready to rely on sheer will power. Blockers, therapy and people that love me are helping me. I just hope it works long term..

[butchugly]

Time alone. I’m actually learning to rest and relax without my eyes glued to slots on my lap top. Strange feeling but I like it.

[butchugly]

I feel afraid sometimes because I don’t have urged. The occasional fleeting thought is about as far as I get at the minute.. Which feels like a good thing but I can’t help but worry if this is the ‘silence before the storm’.. Is it going to hit me with a vengeance? Or am I just one of the lucky ones. Either that or I’ve just come to terms that I’m a CG.. I know there are different types of alcoholics. The ones that crave alcohol all the time and the ones that are fine as long as they don’t have a drop of booze..that drop usually leads to a binge.. I’m guessing I’m one of those in gambling terms. Does that make sense?

[butchugly]

Today is not so much of a challenge to get through.

Not regretting yesterday.. Didn’t hurt myself through gambling.

Not feeling guilty for yesterday because I didn’t gamble

Not feeling ashamed for yesterday because I didn’t gamble
Not calling myself stupid for yesterday. Because I didn’t gamble
Much easier to face today because I didn’t gamble
Therefore I am loving today because it makes me feel good.
This is the feeling I get up each morning because i haven’t gambled for a few weeks now.
It is getting so much easier.
Keep going people’s!! Life is what you make it.

[butchugly]

Yep, paying yourself for not gambling is a reward in itself. Good slant on things. I like it! In that’s case, based on my last gambling stint, im earning 200 a day but that’s not realistic. On my smaller and regular gambles I guess I’m earning 10-15 a day. Good start for saving for something special eh like my wedding. : ) cheers for that mav..,

[butchugly]

And u deserve it! I bet you feel great actually buying something with your money

[butchugly]

Just a suggestion but, maybe try and do something positive for yourself? Plan tomorrow today. It may distract you and lift you a bit. Simple things often help. Tonight, as I’m working tomorrow I am going to make myself an ultimate sandwich. I know it sounds daft but I know i will look forward to eating tomorrow when I’m at work. It’s smalk, but something to look forward to. Plus it will occupy me briefly as I have also spent time thinking about what I will put in it.

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