[buffdazza]

Hey 🙂

[buffdazza]

Thank you Charles. I wouldn’t go back to Beckenham but Dudley. I have found something called Options via Gamcare, which hopefully Beckenham will do a referral to for me. Good advice, and appreciated

[buffdazza]

Just finished my first ‘chat room’ for Gordon Moody ex-residents and have to say it’s certainly lifted my ****. Nice to catch up with chums and to feel empowered. When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that… you find someone to carry you.

[buffdazza]

Thank you for the lovely comments. All have helped greatly and, yes, i am feeling much better xWhen you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that… you find someone to carry you.

[buffdazza]

Thank you Adele. I feel a little brighter today. I guess it’s all a process and the euphoria from being home/away from the haven of rehab would diminish at some point. I have a 1to1 over the phone later this morning and that will no doubt help. I am grateful for all the wonderful things and know i am blessed in so many ways. The only unknown variable is me! Wish you a lovely weekend Adele. xWhen you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that… you find someone to carry you.

[buffdazza]

Feeling very down tonight, and not sure why? Been home two weeks and had a near-perfect time. Got upset earlier when shopping with my wife for new shoes for Calleigh, our youngest. That was nice. But then we bought me some new trousers and she insisted on me getting new shoes. It really affected me because i became overwhelmed with guilt at what i had done in gambling. I felt like i was being rewarded and didn’t want that. I bought her a helium balloon and silly little ornament + card to say ‘Thanks’. It’s pathetic really. She liked it but what am i doing?? I have the most beautiful family and sometimes, like today, think it would be better for them if i just **** so they can remember and be happy. I cannot handle hurting them again – ever! I have not gambled at all, or acted out but feel very uneasy 🙁 When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that… you find someone to carry you.

[buffdazza]

Hey Adele
Still new to the forum and realised I could see your story. I can already feel your anguish at reading your first post in this thread. I have to attend a GA meeting tonight but will look forward (if that’s the right term here) to reading through these 12pages and IF i can offer any support or encouragement to you….and I hope I can….I will xWhen you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that… you find someone to carry you.

[buffdazza]

Adele, thank you! That made my heart ache when i saw you say “come home to me” about your husband. How long has it been? I guess you already know that compulsive gamblers can be good people although we inevitably do ‘bad things’. I enjoy being on this forum and would like to interact with others. Maybe if you get a few mins, it would be nice to hear about how you are coping and what happened. Godspeed Adele. Much love and support from the other side of the Atlantic. And thanx, for the advice (nearly said tips – lol) on the text. Would have thought they’d have made it easier than that but hey. Speak again?
When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that… you find someone to carry you.

[buffdazza]

Can anyone tell me how/if you can edit your own post or at least make it so there’s paragraphs instead of this big block of text?? Thanx x
When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that… you find someone to carry you.

[buffdazza]

The elation of being home is beginning to normalise. Routine stuff of shopping and cleaning. Though, to be honest, when ‘in action’ those two things would be resented at best, ignored mainly, to accommodate all the gambling thoughts, playing, ***** and desperation. So maybe a routine day is actually a great sign? We have largely gone without any credit for our 6 of our 8yrs of marriage thanks to my **** ups with loans, credit cards and gambling debts, not even a debit card which makes things difficult. Whenever we did have one, i would find my way to use it for a ‘free bet’ or ‘guess’ the PIN to withdraw the little cash in the bank we had. But today, after two years of a basic basic account, we went to the bank and much to my wife’s surprise (but not mine) she was given an account with a debit card. We have made it so she can transfer funds to the account with the debit card as & when we need to buy things with it. My idea! Means i cannot manipulate it in any way. It’s good to be aware of the devil inside and keep it from getting any power.
Shame the GH ex-resident’s forum is down tonight. I was looking forward to my first session. It’s nice to have this forum to write down my thoughts.
The next door neighbours, who are friends, are seperating and HE is distraught. 10yrs younger than me and they have a child. Their relationship is ending because she ‘doesn’t love him anymore’. Makes me wonder if that will ever happen to me. Their lives were free from the destruction on gambling unlike ours and yet we are still, i guess you could call it, a happy married couple. Before treatment i would not have coped at all with losing my partner. Now, although it’s the last thing i want, i feel i could cope without destroying myself and still lead a happy life. Things change.
When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that… you find someone to carry you.

[buffdazza]

Thanx K! It’s been a full week since leaving treatment and an amazing one it has been. We went away to an beautifully peacuful part of the countryside and spent three nights in a tent as a family who had spent over 3 months apart. The weather was gorgeous and on Friday/Saturday we joined the other 404,000 people on Bournemouth beach to enjoy the Air Festival. When we are gambling the joy of a sunset or half an hour watching the world go by are so far removed from our thinking. I am pleased not to have had any gambling urges and know it is early days so won’t be complacent. I have found certain areas of my personality are still troublesome and will be working on that too. A busy week though coming up, day trip to the Channel Islands on wednesday and then my eldest daughter starts junior school on Thursday. God bless everyone trying to keep clean x
When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that… you find someone to carry you.

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