[bosslady]

He does have free access to his own funds…but since he has been gone…on his payday he has a list of bills and he pays them first and foremost…gets his necessities..and that $ has to last him till next payday..no acess to credit cards or savings..if he runs out of money its on him…i have acess to check the accound because it is a joint account and im really proud of how he has for the first time in our marriage started to handle money in a mature responsible fashion and not depend on me to give him money every day from my account after his runs out…thats not an option and no longer will be. He has never before thought about financial reprecussions before and does so alot now..i would really like to find a local support group to speak to like minded people…i know one of the meetings he goes to is open for family but hes not ready for that yet..

[bosslady]

It helps to understand the why he can’t be here , i fear because he is staying with family that he may not be seeking help or focusing too much because he is comfortable. BUT with that being said his family knows and wants him to get help too, he stated yesterday that he doesnt want to come home until the first thing he thinks about is not gambling…that its not fair to us…he said he thinks about us but being here would be a distraction from what he’s suposed to be doing…and i get that…because he would become comfortable and not focus on the issue thats gonna build right back up over time… But he does come here and visits..we text and we talk.. so that confuses me on why…I don’t question him he offers up info..i have let him know how things make me feel be it sad or scared…but i also praise him and let him know how proud i am of him for each change i notice that i don’t think he even does….I don’t know much about addiction but i know he has an addictive nature and other things he was able to quit cold turkey…his gambling in my eye’s was/is not “as bad as” i would imagine…he liked scratch offs and machines…never big money..but it led to lieing and betrayel and other things when money wasnt available… if i wouldn’t have found out it probably would have gotten alot worse..I think im finally coming to terms and understanding…i thing the 6 weeks he has been gone are going to be many many more…but i am seeing positive changes not just for him but for me also..

[bosslady]

I wish i had a better understanding of why things have to be the way they are..i don’t understan why he has to live apart right now…its like our marriage is there but not there..the only thing thats different is he lives somewere else…he feels he cant work on his recorvery from here i feel like we cant work on our marriage from there… im trying very hard..he has done alot that is not gambling but the counselor and him really feel is stemming from his addiction and addictive behavior…i have forgiven and moved passed but it feels like im the only one making changes for the relationship…but saying that and rereading that i think to myself…he is one month “no bet” and thats a big change..idk just wish i understood better..i want to support him and i do have a codependency issue im working on..but i’d be here for him if he’d let me..

[bosslady]

I hope the best for you and your CG. You and i are in similar situations and i am struggling with the should i or shouldn’t i. We have been together 17 years and have 3 beautiful children.. The other night was the first time he acknowledged the pain he has caused me and that he doesnt know how to make it right…to me thats a start..I pray for guidance for myself and him…i pray alot and that has been getting me through my days…again i hope the best for you both and look forward to your updates..

[bosslady]

Last night i pretty much let it all out…told my CG what is hurting me that is not related to the gambling but my counselor feels is a part of addiction as well…i have been working on me and it feels good…i feel good…i see him trying to get help looking for a place to start and for that im glad and i am praying….But, he has a pattern of avoidance to just get away from a problem he has created instead of addressing it…i want to be there for him and listen ( i understand this is his journey and for that im here to listen and offer help when asked i have not and will not tell him what to do in regards to CG) the problem he has created hes avoiding is me and my hurt to things that are also not related to CG..he does not call or text and he does not live in the house…so any communication i have to initiate..last night i told him enough was enough and he started to blame me saying im snapping at him and twisting his words which i was not at all…he was trying to get out of taking ownership of a situation hes created..i was calm and asking questions and then he finally said it ” I DON’T KNOW HOW TO UNDUE OR TAKE AWAY ALL THE HURT I HAVE PUT ON YOU” I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU OR DO AROUND YOU TO MAKE IT BETTER” I told him that right there was a huge start because up until now he has not admitted it and thats one of the things that has been continuously hurting me…idk whats going to make it better or if its going to get better but avoiding it and pushing it aside most definitely will not…not trying to do anything will most definitely not..i have faith in God all things happen for a reason and i am walking this path hes laid out for me…its hard but im tryin and idk where we will end up…i know my husband and i will always be friends..we have know each other for over 20 years and been together for a total of 17…but i just don’t know if we will make our marriage work…im taking it day by day and not making any decisions while we are in such a place of high emotions and stress…im asking myself each night was today enough and the answers have been No..maybe since we had that discussion it might soon change to Yes…

[bosslady]

Chamomile i understand your struggle of choices…i am too going through them..do i stay do i go…is today enough …every day seems like a whirlwind..i love my husband i truly do but im learning to love me…i did not realize until counseling i have codependancy…which has made me accept and allow the behavior not just related to the CG but his selfish personality for a long time..each day i learn to focus more on myself and its hard..i still get mad and hurt if he doesnt call or reply to a text (we are still “talking” but have made no commitement of what the future hold right now)not sure if thats the codependancy or because he has had no problem calling someone else he had no business calling in the rescent past numerous times in the day..But each day is a new day and i try to let go of yesterday and focus on today…but not accepting less than God wants for me.

[bosslady]

I feel like im actually finding myself right now…i have continued to see our counselor on my own and have realized so much about myself and what i need to do for myself. Each day is still hard…but i have chosen to give it to GOD instead of kill myself with this pain…that has helped immensely…i don’t know what i want right now but i don’t have to decide right now..thats kinda the hardest part..patience is not my strong suit..but each day i have looking back and saying ok i did it..today.

[bosslady]

Im new to this and struggling also with three children…At this point im wondering if its better we don’t stay together…were seperated right now and i find it somewhat easier and harder at the same time..the kids seem to actually spend more “quality time” with him now since when hes with them its time to be focused on them… the me and him part is just plain confusing and i need to step back and take care of me and stop worrying about the us , i know this but its hard to do, everyone has told me “let him see you happy and doing for yourself” so i have been trying and he has noticed..he will ask me if i had fun and i say yes..so i will continue to try that..may be this will help keep us together maybe it wont..but i’ve got to try something..this site is helping me a ton…i love the support..means alot right now…hope your day is a good one.

[bosslady]

Your strength inspires me…its hard to know whats right or wrong to do…its hard for me not to question (or monitor as my husband says)…but this is all so new im changing everything about me so i can learn to deal with correctly my CG … im a wife and its stuck in the back of my head “this is your right” but i need to stop and think “this is whats right”..ty again for your inspiration and i congratulate you on your stregnth.

[bosslady]

You and i and our CG seem very similar..thank you so much for reaching out to me…it is nice to no im not alone that others are going though the same thing and can relate and im not crazy in all this..

[bosslady]

Your response helps so much…the biggest struggle im having right now is being seperated from someone i have been with for so long and not just my husband but my best friend…so he tends to act like a buddy and want to chit chat picking up or dropping off kids and even when kids arent around and i don’t think i can handle that..if i can’t text and call and do those wife things how can i still do these best friend things…it hurts..hurts to be around him.

[bosslady]

Im struggling with the do i stay or go…we were having issues before this all came to light so im like was all the problems due to his addiction or his selfish nature.. at this point idk what is true or a lie was it because of addiction or betrayel or does the addiction cause the betrayel…so confused

[bosslady]

Thank you for your words it is much appreciated and needed…each day is different it seems…wants needs..expectations..i feel like im on constant roller coaster..but the night is the worst..its hard to sleep cause i imagine the worst and replay lies..wondering whats addiction and whats just plain selfishness..i will continue to try to be strong but its so hard and everyday is up and down a ton..im not making things any easier we are seperated but i continue to call or text him (mainly text)..i feel im making it worse..

[bosslady]

Hard time tonite, we have seperated so he can work on him but its hard…like all the messed up stuff he put me through is ok and now he’s the victim… idk maybe im being selfish or childish…was everything he’s done truly because of addiction..i’ve never known someone with an addiction close to me..im feeling insecure and unimportant…as he reassures kids he loves them im left wondering do you still love me…i discovered the gambling while we were having some really rocky times in our marriage and am left with the i need to fix me before we can try to fix us…but i feel thrown aside…i don’t want to get in his way of doing what he needs and is displaying what he truly wants to do…i know my counselor advises distance between us while he does this on our own but its hard to be away from someone you have been with for so long..

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