[Bonbonnie]

Dear Velvet –
I have given my son the 20 questions – and asked him to take the test and think about the answers. I don’t know if he has done them, but I left it at that and tried to do it with no pressure.
I also downloaded some self exclusion forms for the 2 casinos he goes to. I know he hasn’t done anything with them – but I also suspect he has not been to the casino in a week – maybe that’s because he has no money – maybe its because he’s trying – I don’t know.

I booked him a session with a counselor – and he went, and afterwards he said he would go again. So hopefully this will have an impact – and the very fact that he went I take as a good sign. My husband is more pessimistic and feels maybe he only went as he knew it was what I wanted him to do.

My son is 20. He has a half brother in our family unit who is 17, and two half brothers in his biological fathers family unit who are 12 and 10. He has not seen his biological father for a number of months and probably only twice a year for the past few years.
There was a contact court order in place until my son was 16 – and after that I don’t think his father made much of an effort to keep up regular contact or develop the relationship.
he has certainly not made the effort to visit my son – leaving it up to my son to make the effort and visit him.
I have no contact at all with him, as he has proved unpleasant and on a number of times violent with me and my husband, though to my knowledge not with my son. So currently, no he is not supportive – or even aware.

My parents were over this week visiting. My father has done some repair work on my sons car, and has spoken to my son telling him he is aware of the habit, and how much it is hurting and affecting my mother and myself and how he should pull himself together etc.
I’m not sure if this will help or not -my philosophy is if you tell someone often enough they are worthless – then that’s how they end up feeling.
I would have preferred him to tell him he’s worth more than he thinks. But if its true that CG’s don’t hear what you say to them then they wont hear the bad comments along with any good ones will they ?
But my Dad cares for him and in his own way is trying to help.

I am being positive this week – I take comfort that my son has attempted counseling – hopefully this will continue, and that he appears not to have been to the casino.

The test will come on Friday – if he can resist drawing out his money all in one go and blowing it.

I am not sure I will be able to not help my son with his bills in the future – but I am learning its probably best in the long run for all concerned if I don’t.

Thank you again for your support.
Bonbonnie.

[Bonbonnie]

Dear Velvet and Worriedmama – many thanks for your replies.
I have read each through numerous times and gain something else each time I read them. So thank you.

Last week, once my son came home I left it a couple of days before talking.
I downloaded some self exclusion forms for casinos and left them in his room for him. I also sent him the 20 questions and asked him to do the test and just think about the replies.

I also booked a private appointment with a counselor for him. He wasn’t happy about going – but he did and afterwards he said he would make another appointment for this week.

He has come home each night after work at a reasonable hour – so I know he has not been to the casino ( obviously there are other ways to gamble ) but I see this as positive.
I am resolved to helping him – but I see the point about not supporting him financially.

I will keep you posted on how things go this week.
I am feeling more positive – but its early days.

Bonbonnie

[Bonbonnie]

Dear Velvet, many thanks for your reply and I have taken some comfort from your comment that the “beast” can be controlled and life can be good again.

My husband is very supportive, has researched and read up – you are right its a very steep learning curve we have embarked on, and we have recognized that its going to be a long and divisive process. We have different approaches and coping mechanisms – I get upset and try to reason with my son, my husband gets cross that my son cannot see how much he’s hurting himself and ultimately me.

As you think conditions don’t really work, my immediate concern then is, am I doing the right thing – giving my son a rent free home, paying his car insurance etc as I know this is enabling him to carry on with his addiction and delaying the point of his reaching his rock bottom, or should I withdraw my financial support and let him reach his inevitable rock bottom a lot quicker ?

Thank you again for your post – it is very much appreciated.

[Bonbonnie]

Thank you for your reply Worriedmama, its good to know that someone has listened and has gone through similar situations, and what you have said makes so much sense.
I will try and be strong, as I know I will need to be to get through this.

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