[BlueJaffa]

Hi velvet,
Thank you for your much needed support. Unfortunately I had to make the decision to part ways with my fiance as he owed money to some dangerous people and my safety would have been jeaporadised by staying with him.

I think it is for the best though as the day has come for him where he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and take responsibility for his own recovery which I came to learn also last week that he was still not willing to receive any help for the addiction. It was once again not a problem and something he would manage fine on his own and again Internet history showed more gambling.

I hope me leaving him makes him realise that he needs to change and that he learns how to manage himself. He is a really good person but unfortunately that addiction has taken complete control of his life once again.

I have had so much support over the years reading comments on forums on this site and even reading other people’s issues has taught me so much and given me so much support.

Everyone’s situation is entirely different but for me I had enough and had to for the first time in a long time put myself first.

[BlueJaffa]

Well I made the stand to my parents…they weren’t happy but understood that I’d regret it forever if I didn’t give it a chance so accepted my choice but they will b keeping close eye on him to ensure he’s not going to bookies or borrowing which I totally understand. My partner feels this is unfair but he has to live with that and realise he messed up and lost trust from people.

I went back to our house and lay down the rules to him that I would be taking control of his finances and that any lie or excuses that he will be the one leaving the house and not me as I can afford the house on my own. He says he will go to ga this week but wants to go alone without me dropping him there and collecting him so I agreed but I will be around the area unknown to him to ensuremail that he’s telling me the truth that he is attending. He said he was going for counselling few months back but I finished work early and tured out he hadn’t been going at all so I have to make sure this time it’s not a lie. He’s on his final chance with me and I am standing strong and will be following through with everything that he will be leaving if he lies again. He wasn’t too happy with me laying down the rules and said I shouldn’t be putting pressure on him and went focusing on a problem of his job which is least of concerns right now….was like he was changing and twisting things on me but I didn’t allow that. I explained calmly that this will be how it is and that I have to protect myself and time will tell if you really do mean it that you’re working on it.

He did accept it but unfortunately he’s sitting with a sulk now. Also he said if my family speak to anyone about him that he will destroy their lives which is unjust as they are only trying to protect me at end of the day. He has a daughter and should understand this also. All of the conflict will eventually blow over I know.

I just really hope he sticks to his word and goes to the meetings and that this will work out but unfortunately with gambling addiction we can never be too sure but time will tell. He’s gone around in circles with this many times over past 2 years….he gambles, then fine for 2 months then back again so I’m sure this time that I will know very shortly if he is committed to changing and if not then he will be asked to leave.

[BlueJaffa]

It’s my whole family with the issue and not listening..my parents ano both my sisters. None of them wanot anything to do with me because of him. My father even called to the house to beat my partner up but luckily he didn’t answer the door. Yes he has told all his friends ano his family about the addiction. He had told me a long time ago that he had a history with addiction and overcame it but unfortunately in past months he slipped again and worse than ever.
He hit rock bottom ever before my family found out. But us sneaking around to meet up doesn’t feel right either as it’s just more lies. I really feel we need to be upfront and tell them that we are staying together and this is how it’s going to be and let them take the time to get used to it then.
My parter is addiction fantastic person outside of the addiction. I work in mental health so I have a massive awareness of addiction problems and how to protect myself financially and emotionally from the manipulation.
He is doing everything right….he’s attending ga, talking to friends, counting the days he’s been gamble free which is 34 days now, hes open to me about it all. Before I was always oh he’ll never change but this past week I have so much faith in him but I still know the chance of relapse is high and it’s still very early days.
I know I want to be with him. I just worry that my family will set out to destroy him which I turn will still end up with me losing my family as they’ll just push me further and further away. I’m already growing to resent them. Even with all my partner is going through he’s so supportive of my situation and is only one not making me choose….he’s giving me time to make my own decisions and supporting me no matter what I choose. His gambling is a major problem but luckily he has never had debt as bad as others I have read about and never expects me to bail him out….he takes responsibility for any debts he has no matter how long it takes to repay which I feel is also a positive.
I just hope my family learn to live with this. I am so happy with him as I never let his addiction drag me down….my family are the only ones taking me down. They told me I have brought shame on family for being with him and a disappointment to them all. They have to respect my choices as it is my life and I have been so unhappy this past week without my partner.
Thank you so much for your reply and I will most certainly join the chat on Thursday.

[BlueJaffa]

Hi,

About taking control of finances….it’s a step forward but unfortunately for an addict, from my own experience with my partner, they will always find the money to gamble elsewhere and the debts will continue to mount!
The best thing you can do is keep your own finances separate, call to bank and ensure that both of you need to be present for any withdrawals if you have a joint account!
Keep your head high…don’t worry about his debts! They are his and not yours! It’s really difficult to do this but with counselling for yourself you will be able to achieve this. That was hardest thing for me to stop worrying about. But now….my money is separate to his, I don’t worry about his debts. I put pressure on him all the time to ensure bills are up to date and it works. I worry a lot about him because it’s painful watching him suffer when I can tell he hates himself enough for it. But I am hopeful and think about the light at the end of the tunnel….that one day he will hit rock bottom and lose everything….awful to say but true….and he’ll accept help then. I always reassure him that I’ll stand by his side and somehow it’s starting to get in there with him!

It’s really difficult…..but you need to get help for yourself so that you are strong because otherwise the problem will get worse for both yourself and him!

Having this forum is so helpful and it brought me a lot of comfort and taught me a lot so I hope it does the same for you.

Life throws a lot of battles in our paths and we have to chose which ones we are willing to fight. Nobody will judge you if you want to leave. My experience…..everyone judges for staying but that’s my choice and I feel that’s right for me. You must chose which is the best for you and only you….nobody else

[BlueJaffa]

Hi,
I know the feeling. My partner, while in a previous relationship also had an addiction. He was caught stealing money at work and lost everything. He suffered from severe depression and threatening suicide. The ex partner and mother of his child informed me that unfortunately she or nobody else got him support and he was crying out for it but she didn’t know what to do. He overcame the addiction alone 6 years ago but has started gambling again this year.
All I can do is wait it out for him to hit rock bottom and ask for help. I look at the good things and keep all our finances separate.
What I am trying to say is….he may not want help for gambling right now but the overdose needs to be addressed. I also work as a mental health nurse….gambling addiction is the most difficult to treat unless the person really wants it. In situations like this all we can do is treat the depressive element and hope that it somehow encourages the person to accept the addiction.

It’s really difficult and I know what you are going through. Stay strong but don’t ever let him drag you down. You have to be strong for your son and not expose him to the issues going on. You obviously care and love your partner a lot. It’s hard to let go of that and I know that I am not strong enough to let my partner go. I wish I was but honestly I am extremely happy to wait for him to come to me when he’s ready as he was there for me during an extremely difficult period in my life.

Stay positive and be strong and put yourself first whatever way that may be.

Xxx

[BlueJaffa]

Hi,
I know exactly how you feel. My partner does not accept his problem. He has borrowed money from my family who do not know about his problem. He is unaware that I know about the money my family gave him. I cant ask my family as my dad will not accept that.
He is starting a new job next week but how long that will last I dont know!
I cant ask him about the issue as he shuts me out when I broach the subject.
All i can do right now is wait it out, be as supportive as possible so that he feels comfortable to come to me when the time is right.
I am very lucky as I have always kept my finances separate to him so I am not financially at a loss.
Its really difficult to watch him throw everything away and to see how much he is struggling. He also has a daughter from a previous relationship and he is coming very close to losing her. The mother of the child has informed me that he wouldnt see his child if I was not around….not that he would do anything but she does not want the child seeing her father being so bothered and distant as it has really bad effects on her.
He went for help before but unfortunately was not at rock bottom and was not willing to change…..i hope that he loses everything very soon. I know that sounds awful but it would be the best thing for him in the long term if he lost everything and hit rock bottom to go to a treatment center.

If you need anything please dont hesitate to message me as I know exactly what you are going through and the difficulty of trying to be there for him but also protect our family….its never easy:(

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