[bjmice]

03-13-2018

I read this email and the notes I sent to my self over 10 years and they are a warning to me to discontinue the madness. However, in the last 12 months it has been a total and complete disaster. I no longer play poker, the new poison is Baccarat with Dragon 40-1 and Panda 25-1.

This is an extremely fast and addictive game with extreme highs and lows. I can analyze this as the jekyll and hyde. Dr Jekyll lives by day a normal computer guy and by nights and weekends a ******* maniac drinking fool at the casinos. I will never recover the money lost in the last 12 years. It’s gone. I will not recover the money lost in the last 2 years, or the last 12 months. It’s just simply gone.

TIME is another thing. How many hours, days, all-night binges, missed work and friends/family events have I missed in the last 12 years?

3 Days a week at 15 hours; let’s say 60 hours a month x 12 Months, 720 Hours a year x 12 Years, 8,640 Hours.

PROS:

Exciting, Adrenaline Rush
A chance to win money, free food and drinks.
Social Interaction, Center of attention.

CONS:

Lose a lot of money, time.
Not Healthy.
Lose Friends, relationships.
Lose Trust
Loss causes depression, lose sleep.
Feel tired, exhausted after a long session.
Recovery of lost funds, missed bill payments and obligations.

From a film based on my life:

fucked up again, man I don’t know what’s up with that, I think I blew
up about 8,000 thousand dollars like an idiot fool…. I was at the
Grand last night till 1am, losing as usual, then went over to OAKS at
1:30am to play 30-60 and was back to about within $500.00 negative and could
not cut my losses…what a ******* idiot I am for not stopping right
there, spent the night and stayed for breakfast lunch and Dinner. *******
sucks, fuck it I am done it’s like an alter ego, I am not in my right
mind I mean 30-60 bets every hand? Even $120 bets pre-flop? Can I afford
to play at this level? This shit’s crazy man, this ******* games’ got
me hooked -somethin fierce. I can’ stop, it’s like a black hole I get
swept up in it. This gambling shit -it’s no joke, what kinda job can you
go to where you risk your own money every day on the flip of a card?
And what are you going to do when card turn cold? I mean really cold? I
am talking months of no ******* cards just rags and tags, aces when you
get low-ball, low-ball when you kings to flop.

[bjmice]

Here is an expert from my journal in 2006, I am constantly telling myself that I am going to quit, it has been 12 years still struggling day to day, last few months have been a lot of lies and deception, desperation and now late car payments and bill collectors calling me. Last night I gambled till 4am, today at work on time at 8am,  3 hours sleep. Time is what is hurting the most. I like what you said about the mind still wanting to ***** bets. Here is a quick journal entry from years ago:

11-30-06

 

I still cannot shake the gambling addiction. Again, I  ended up at the OAKS card club for the past Tuesday night I stayed up until 4am. On Monday I was up until 4am getting my ass kicked online playing on bodog.com. I signed up and got an online ac*****. So I lost $500 dollars online and this was with a credit card Purchase! ouch! Anyways, I have to figure out a way to quit, this is just not good to keep playing like this, it’s causing me to not have any sleep. I am getting in too deep with $30-$60. I have these dreams of grandeur, that I can go to Vegas and play like a pro and make a living playing cards. It’s just really ridiculous. However, it is compelling at the same time. I have a shot just like anyone else. I just need to know when to stop playing in the session, after I’ve won for awhile I end up going nutz and playing the wrong hands and start losing the money back. I am able to do really well, then I end up giving the money back. For example, tuesday night I was up about $2000.00 and it was only 11:30pm and I wanted to cash out. I was tired. I’d only slept for 6 hours in the past two days. However, I stayed and someone else got on a rush and killed everyone at the table; as well as my stacks started to go down. At that point, I started to go on “Tilt” and then it was over. I was in complete Tilt mode and could not stop until I busted out my ac*****. I lost the $2,000 and then the bankroll I brought that day $1700  dollars.Then dipped into any funds I could muster until my bankcards told me that I had “insufficient funds”. Totally tapped out and depressed, dejected and frustrated with my actions, and it has to do with my emotional state of mind. how tired I was, no sleep, a lot of factors. It’s really just terrible and I don’t see a way out sometimes. I just need to quit -it’s probably destroying my life.

Even with these journals working as letters from myself to the addicted gambler, I keep going on and off the wagon, trying to quit. It is very difficult and each day is a victory, I can only try to not gamble today…

[Author]

Posts