[bettie]

Hi K!
Thanks so much for the post. Sorry we didn’t get to chat but maybe soon. Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during that class, sounds like fun!
bettie

[bettie]

Oh, U guys are so sweet!
I was thinking about song lyrics today too. "I can’t make you love me", Bonnie Ratt, here’s one that i  can count on for more than a good cry, an absolute sob fest, "Story of my life", Linda Ronstant.
OMG, "just someone to lay down beside you,and even tho it’s not real, just someone to lay down beside you, the story of my life………"
So, even tho I own these songs they are not played unless I’m in a Patsy Cline mood, which can be induced by drinking Tequela then beer!
Don’t go there! Not for the weak! LOL!
I am in better spirits today. Got nothing as far as production at work but I don’t care. Mood swings, I think it’s the hormone therapy. I take the last one for the month tonight so maybe I can go back to just 2 personalities, bettie 1&2 instead of this wacked out 3rd one that has suddenly appeared!
Bettie 3 is really working my nerves! lol!
Oh well, almost made the GA meeting. Brought a change of clothes to work, mapped out my trip. Stopped for a bite. I didn’t count on the Friday traffic! At 7pm, meeting start time, i was only 1/2 way there. Turned around, came home.
I need to try Thursday PM. That one is only 15 minutes away and no highway to drive on.
Jules, you will understand this one. The friend of my "friend" called me at work today. He needed acct info. I gave it to him. He said I haven’t forgotten I still owe you a lunch or maybe we should make it dinner. I told him sure, next time you’re in town call me. I think we should go to the restruant that my "friends" other friend in town owns. I mean, he did say I could do what ever I wanted right??
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I am so sick of not having any self esteem. You guys are right on point, he is no good for me. Larry mentioned on the chat while he ( my "friend") lacks the social grace of returning the call his intention may have been to bring it to my attention and he may have been less than kind in his tatics.
I wish he really was my friend but the fact of the matter is he isn’t. I settle for the scraps he throws to me because I am so afraid of being alone and having no one to talk to. I wish I could give him a big kick. If I was in my right mind I would. Instead I called him to wish him happy birthday again in the hope that he would find a little time for me today.
"maybe later’ he tells me so I call him tonight, "im busy, I have some of the kids here with me and I have a lot of work yet to do tonight." I told him I would call him tomorrow. If i didn’t, I wouldn’t hear from him for days. There is no reason that his opinion of me matters so much so why does it? Why do I keep holding on to a "relationship" that is really not a relationship? I can’t make him love me, doesn’t matter if I’m a size 6,16 or 26, this will not change. I can tell it to my head, someone please explain it to my heart.
I’m in self destruction mode right now. I need to write this day off as a loss and consentrate on getting through the next two work days.
One chuckle today. Saw the chiro today. ( back has made a great recovery! Thank U Jesus!) He says his wife is always asking him about funny things that happen at the office. He said he told her about my soxs. Bet he told her about my butt too!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Woke up in a mood this morning!
Called my friend last night to wish him a happy birthday. He saw me at work on tuesday, wanted to know why I wasn’t taking care of my self anymore. "You’ve really put on weight since you stopped going to the casino." I told him my back hurt so bad I could barely walk much less worry about makeup and doing my hair. "But you aren’t working out, it really shows." I tryed to explain even attempting to workout could futher dammage my back and that I have an appointment with the female Chrio for an assestment and a safe workout plan next week when the back calms down. Well, he had two more calls to make but he would call me back. He never called back.
Well, at least he mentioned the gambling free time. What an *ss!
I had a dream about an old boyfriend last night. He came to visit me but another girl horned in on our time and took him away from me. I think that is what happened with him in real life but that was 31 years ago. I feel so fat, ugly and unlovable!
Back is stiff, took the last of the vicoden. I need to clean and am afraid to move out of this chair!
Have to admit 1/2 of me wants to gamble after the chrio appt, the other 1/2 wants to go and ban.
I am defeated today already and it’s only 5:45 am. Maybe I should go back to bed and start over!
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

hi Guys,
Vera, so good to see u on the chat!
Back a little better tonight, see chrio tomorrow.
Had a customer come in with overdrafts caused by casino withdrawls, WHY DOES THAT GIVE ME URGES??
She LOST her money, do I think I can go and get it for myself>??
think i will go take a dip!
peace
bettie
i think i am a dip!
TWO LAPS, THUNDER LIGHTNING!
bACK INSIDE!– 7/8/2010 12:47:36 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Oh my BACK! I couldn’t dream of putting on pantyhose and a skirt, my usual attire esp. when it it is 90 outside. Took me 1/2 hour to dress, sweat and tears pouring down my face! Took a pair of sox and had one of the gals put them on my feet when i got to work. I couldn’t stay home today or I would have lost my holiday pay. Called chiro and they got me in right away so i took my lunch break early and went.
I got relief, Thank U Jesus, and was finally able to walk upright. Told Dr, about the sox and he chuckled. I looked at him funny and he said I must have had trouble doing other things. Light bulb moment, "Yea Doc, I couldn’t wipe my butt!"
They fixed my door. They put tape on it! I thought it would have atleast been boarded up by now.They are inviting a lawsuit if that glass flys when it falls out!
Starting to storm. Hope to be on the chat later!
Gamble free, thats a good feeling!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

hI gUYS,
I called my cousin and planned the day early. One way to ward off the urge to gamble. These stupid slips are like taking that first drink or first smoke after not doing it for a while, you just want to do it again, even tho it gave me a headake and made me sick!
My daughter came over for a little swim. When I went to buzz the door to let her in it got stuck, she yanked on it and the plate glass shattered! It is still in tact so she didn’t get hurt, Thank God, but I had to call for a boardup. Hope they come soon! The next time the door shuts it could cave in with glass everywhere!
Such excitement!
Back to work tomorrow, YUCK!
Back is killing me, Yuck!
Got to call chrio tomorrow, everyone closed for the holiday today because it fell on a Sunday we got Monday off too.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

LOL Jules.
Yea, u poor thing~ Now that we have met i am sure you got a real funny visual! But you did see just how cute mr jingles is and how something so stupid could happen!
Oh well, just had another pill and I am off to bed. Did make it to more fireworks, they sure were nice!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Laura, i have been lazy about reading posts myself so don’t worry.
Had a nice little cook out. We swam for about an hour too. Water is just right, cool and refreshing.
Guess what I did?? Back to day 1! No , not gambling, I THREW OUT MY BACK PETTING THE CAT!!
the little stinker was rolling on the floor looking for a belly rub while I was sitting on the toilet, ( I live alone and don’t shut the door ). I reached over and BAM! Ouch, Ouch, OUCH!
So i had to continue to get ready for guests in pain.
I do believe this is the work of God Almighty. He wanted to kick me in the butt but due to my "compromised" position he could only reach my back! Guess thats one way to keep me out of the casino! I could not possibly sit in the car for 1&1/2 hours! Still having urges and could have snuck away but I got painfull devine intervention instead!
Thanks again for all your support.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Thanks for the posts!
Got up early to get a start in here. Need to sign off the pc and get off my butt and get moving. Glad I planed a little something for today. I am off tomorrow and that leads to temptation. You wouldn’t think so but "it’s" here this morning, nagging me with the "just 100" thing. UGH!
Well, can’t happen anyway so it will go away soon enough.
Hope to catch some chat latter.
Happy 4th of July!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
"Another saturday night and i ain’t got no body". What  a silly song. Went to the fireworks with my brother and his daughter, It was very nice. More tomorrow. Decited to throw a last minute get together tomorrow, Invited my mom but she won’t come. Seems she talked to my daughter sometime today about my sister not including her in her plans. I heard her tell my sister, "well, she must have talked to Jennie and i am NOT GOING!"
I haven’t spoken to my daughter at all today. Mom wants me to beg her to come over as she has already made up her mind about what took place. I avoid even talking to my Mom because of stuff like this. I know where my negatitavity comes from. My sister is at her breaking point however she was very Wrong not including mom with what she was doing.
The family dynamic is so hard. My gosh we are so disfunctional! I guess it’s always been this way but I have been escaping from it for years by gambling. I need to face this one head on. My mom is unstable. I can’t make her a better
mom. I can be a better daughter. I should have realized that  she would spend the holiday alone because my sister would not include her in her plans. I had no plans until an hour ago and I did include her but somehow I am now the bad guy!
I’ll have my brother call her after she gets home from Church tomorrow. I know she will be carrying on at her Church how awful her children are. My brother used to have a sticker on his fridge, "The more U complain the longer God lets U live."
My Mom will live to 100, no problem!
I really did want to gamble today, which makes no cense to me. I really distroyed the "credit backup" I had made for myself in case of emergency. I cash advanced the only credit cards I have. ( I did stop carring them but found them in my purse because I had taken them with to the car repair shop and forgot to take them out, BIG DUMMY ME!)Next barrier, cut off all cash advance. It was not much, 300 one card 200 another, but now i have to pay that back.
I wanted to address the new banking laws going into effect in the US on AUG 15th. The banks are trying despertly to get u to "opt in". DON"T FALL FOR IT! They are seeking out accounts that are overdrawn alot and even calling these customers to have them "opt in" so they can continue to charge up to $280 daily in overdraft fees plus additional daily fees after a few days. You don’t have to do anything. BY LAW, you will be automaticly opted OUT on AUg 15, just don’t let them trick you. THEY REALLY DON"T WANT TO LOOSE THE FEES U PAY THEM> I KNOW THIS FIRST HAND!
Some good news, I just got a call from my "friend’. He said you didn’t sound too good when I talked to you Thursday ( I called him crying on the phone when I left the casino). He just wanted to know how I was. Now you might be thinking "big deal". Well for him, it is!
My brother thinks the brakes are good for at least another 20-30,000 miles. He also rotated my tires and the "SHAKE" in the front seems better. Mind you, the shop was trying to get me for over $1000 in repairs. He is ordering tune up parts, trying to figure out why it runs rough (misses) under a load but stops when you back off the gas. (OH yea, you may not know I am a hairdresser and tomboy! lol!)
Well, I had my lazy day of rest and need to get up and pick up this mess for tomorrow.
Thanks for being my friends!
ps K, you’re getting as smart as Larry!
kisses!
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi K,
I was just catching up on your posts. You know, I cry about being alone but now i remember why the only males allowed to live with me are nutered!
Alone is good sometimes! I need to stop complaining!
But seriously, I hope the storm has passed and the hubby gets to the root of his anger. I suspect some how he has some other "bug up his butt". but this is comming from someone who has a real distrust of all things male.
take care, still waiting for my custom candle!
bettie

[bettie]

A new day, a new dawn. with it comes the hope for a new day. Trying to keep busy. My brother called, he wants to recheck the assestment of the mechanic. I think they are screwing me around and recomending work that isn’t needed.
I have such a good brother.
So many good things in life that i let depression (?) take away from me. Not today. Today I will look around at all I take for granted. Today I will tell my head to shut up and just listen to my heart.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
This is copied from Larrys post:
"You say that you gambled this time because you felt empty; you were upset; you hated your life; and that you have no one special to share it with, that you are alone and feel worthless without purpose. these were the same things that I was doing after I lost my ability to enjoy life, the same excuses for me to continue to throw my life away. When you gambled this time did you feel fulfilled, were you no longer upset, did you find a special person to share your life with and give you a feeling of purpose? Or did you return home with the same feelings."
To answer Larrys question, not only did I return home with the same feelings, I came home feeling 10x worse. The only person I found to share my life with was the bartender and waitresses who enjoyed the $1 tip for each beer they brought.
I notice a trend in my posts. Life passes day by day. Every time I have success I seem to sabotage myself. Self destructive, like I don’t deserve any happiness. Root causes I guess. I can get help but don’t move to do it. I’m not stupid. Help is a phone call away. But as much as I say on this forum, I am a compulsive gambler, maybe saying it to a total strainger makes it too real. Maybe it’s the truth that I am still hiding from and didn’t ever realize it.
P, Hockey, thanks for posting.
I went to see Jules today. What a sweetheart! We talked for hours like we were old pals and had known each other for ages. Funny, in reality I have few people in my life who I can call true friends, I have always had a hard time making friends, like I don’t really fit in. Maybe thats why I always loved "Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer." I have felt like a misfit toy my whole life. She said something to me too that I found amazing. She said I was very well liked on the GT forum. That made me feel like as mundane and screwed up my life is, theres still hope for me. Thank you Jules! Our little visit meant more to me than u can ever know.
Not really feeling up to it but I’m gonna check the chat, tail between my legs!
Thank you all for your support!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Going to bed, wishing i was dead.
What a sad thought. Idle hands are the devils workshop. I f’*ed up, badly! I went out and gambled. I have no excuse except that maybe i have a death wish. Made it home safely, sick, head hurts. This is what gambling has become for me. A drain on my life, my soul, my being. i am sick and tired of  this cr*p! WHAT THE H*LL IS WRONG WITH ME?
All i want is to be happy. I don’t need to be rich. I just need enough to get by.
So what caused this mess??
1. Saw my "friend". He leaves me feeling empty.
2. Upset about the car. It is now a 4yr old money pit. i could have made another repair with the money I wasted.
3. I hate my life. i hate that I have no one special to share it with.
4. I am alone.
5. I feel worthless. I have no purpose in my life.
Bottom line, I caused this mess, me, no one else. I take your advice and throw it in the trash. i must love being misserable.
The only reason I didn’t crash my car was the thought of hurting someone else. This is really sick.
bettie

[Author]

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