[bettie]

I have to laugh K Pat when my CG customers would come in to the bank and I saw all the withdrawals at the casino they would give me gambling urges . the addictive voice is very strange in our heads . Trust me at about the 6 month mark those urges really fade dramatically ,thats really is half the battle Betty

[bettie]

They say time is universal healer even after fourteen years I still miss my father terribly and of course my brother too.. I spent this afternoon cleaning and posting things for my eBay auction. my sister has is asked me to e chicken and dumplings for Thanksgiving and tomorrow 6 partiesies to bake . I’m exhausted but its a good tired. I’m looking forward to my visit with Jenny in less than two weeks. my brother took an Alaskan cruises honeymoon and thought that it was the best trip youhe ever made in his whole life. I’m sure you will enjoy yourself . Bettie

[bettie]

How sad for you Kpat-I am sure you are broken hearted to disapoint your son.
What we loose when we are “in action” is so much more than money-self respect is a biggie.
I remember the “CD” Christmas 5 years ago ( all the family got movies) when I had no money for Christmas and bought my daughter stuff from the thrift so I would have something to wrap. She is a thrifty girl and she didn’t mind. I was crushed and embarrased that I had so little to give my one and only.
Your son sounds like a mature young man. Instead of trying to hid maybe it would take some of the pressure off if you told him and his sister whats going on. My daughter was most upset when I told her-because it meant we could never go to Vegas again! She didn’t get it then but I think she does now. When we talk she asks me if I have been to a meeting and she was there and pinned me at my One year pinning. She was very proud-and when it was said and done she told me how much the people in the group really liked me. The fact that anyone could possible like me was a new consept for sure!
Things do get better but don’t expect it to happen too soon. We cg’s are impatient for sure! I want everything better-yesterday-to heck with waiting for tomorrow!
bettie

[bettie]

Good on you Lizbeth for being so thoughtful. I have often found my mom easier to deal with one on one. She tends to make herself the center of attention when in a group. I guess she doesn’t want to be left out so she just talks louder -lol!
My brother did some cleaning at her place lasy weekend. I have had thoughts of getting him to help me clean her place-it is too much for me to try to tackle alone. What a good brother and son my brother Pat is. Who else would bring his own cleaning stuff and scrub a very stinky bathroom and shower? I have told him I would help when he wants to do that again.
bettie

[bettie]

Our friend just picked up her 5 year chip from her meeting.
Congrats my friend in recovery!
Step 4 maybe next year? lol!
bettie

[bettie]

I wish I coud motovate myself to loose weight!
Thanks for your post! Today was really rough-Long story.
I took my mom to lunch and a bit of shopping. Liz she didn’t know who I was I on phone. She asked me who I was about 2 minutes into the call. Very Scary! I need to ask my sister what the heck is going on.
bettie

[bettie]

Keeping busy is great Kpat-idle hands are the devils workshop for sure where gambling is concerned.
Don’t be afraid to go to GA alone. While there are sucessful couples the majority work their program of recovery alone even if they go to the same group. Even if you never go to a group there are great GA resources at http://www.gachicago.org. The 17 page yellow book is online and it is simple and straight foward. Even though I have been reading it almost 5 years I still read things that suprise me. There is one phraise that hits me like a rock ” gambling has led many to the gates of prison, insanity or death”. It’s true, so so true! If I had kept going the way I was it would have killed me without a doubt. When it comes to sucide Cg’s are #1 amoung all mental disorders. I believe its the shame factor. People can’t see the physical addiction assocated with putting all your money in a machine and don’t know that the endorfins released have the same effect as taking a drug.
“my” slot maching was like an abusive lover who took it all and kept me coming back for more with the promise of “give me one more chance to make you happy!” We’ve heard that song and dance before!
lol!
bettie

[bettie]

I love the “epic journal” comment! I believe we are all on an Epic Journey as I have found that being abstance from gamblingis much different than working recovery. I have found that the more I know why I did what I did the less likely I am to repeat it.
It’s very easy to transfer one addiction for a new one. I no longer “drink to get drunk”. I have seen too many folks come into GA meetings with many years in AA. Being a “dry drunk”-abstanence with out recovery-will lead us to other distructive behaviours.
I am far from perfect. Recovery can be a rollercoaster for sure. I like to think of myself as a student of life now. I will have 5 years in recovery come Feb. Hard to believe all thats happen in those years! Life on lifes terms is something I am always trying to embrace. The cosmos is Not out to get me! Talk about parinoid! The addictive mind is powerful for sure. Now knowing I can’t control People, places and things is very empowering. Surrender-that was such a hard consept to grasp-but surrender is freedom.
Well I could go on and on but it’s time for work.
Progress not perfection. ODAAT!
bettie

[bettie]

I read about Brea and Kathryn my CG girlfriend had the same issue with her Girls wedding. She was feeling very shut out and excluded.
I think maybe the girls are having growing pains-they are calling the shots now and think they know it all.
In the end they all need their Mom again!
bettie

[bettie]

I am glad to say I read your thread tonight!
Don’t worry about the fish-just because you are in financial trouble doesn’t mean that you can’t splurge on a nice meal. Self depravation is a CG trate-we squeese pennies then burn dollars! Money will have meaning again. I bought myself a dress and a new rug today. If I had gambled I would have spent at least 5 times what I spent today and would have nothing to show for it.
Banning from the casino was a Godsent to me. It helped alot-but it won’t stop you forever. It’s like a diet Kpat-you can’t starve for the rest of your life. Have you thought about GA? Walking through that door might be the hardest thing you ever do. We have a couple in our group. They have 13 years “clean” in a couple of weeks. I read about the strong CG connections in the family. I have CG relatives but more common are drug and achcohol problems. It’s taken me YEARS to even start to address my real issues and why I gambled in the first place. I am in a better head space for sure. If not GA I know of a program called “Celebrate Recovery”-that is a 12 step group run in Christian groups to cover all kinds of issues.
Also, some more unsolicated advice-Melody Beatty-She is fantastic! I got most of my books 2nd hand online or at the thrift. I learned so much about myself and co dependency that is was frightning! Learning about recovery helped me alot.
Congrats on your clean time! Days make weeks-weeks make months-months make years-and years make up a life time! All one day at a time!
bettie

[bettie]

Jules? WOW! Nice to see you “check in”. Just an FYI. I was on the Illinois Gaming Comission Site to file a complaint about the Video Poker Places sending me ads. Did you know when you exclude the boats you are also excluded from the state lottery? I don’t play however I didn’t know that!
Nice to see you still fighting the good fight p!
Vera don’t stay away!
I booked a flight to see Jen December 4th-the 7th. I paid extra to get assigned seats. I have to be near the front and on the end. I am a nervious flyer-panic anaxity really-so one less thing to worry about.
bettie

[bettie]

You know Carole thats why I love my kittys so much-they love unconditionally.
Have you caught up on Downton Abbey? I have seen all 8 now-the site is much improved and I had no issues watching it at all.
Mexico in January sounds lovely.
I did book a weekend trip to see Jen in December. She will not be home for Christmas-a first for me. I have used all my time off for the year and no chance of getting time at Christmas.
I woke at 5am today in tears. I was dreaming that Jen was moving and I was just begging her not to go. I can’t recall really crying in my sleep and waking up in tears before.
When it comes to weight and smoking I’m no quitter-lol! They are imposing a $50 monthly fee for smoking with the health insurance in January. Next will be one for being fat, then one for having cronic illinesses!
I have hijacked your thread!
Take care Carole!
bettie

[bettie]

I’ve had a lot on my mind today.
A few years ago I was with “him” at a cottage on a lake that he owns. When we were leaving he made a comment about how I had no shame, being there with him. At the time I blew it off, after all he had no shame-taking a woman to his summer home who wasn’t his wife.
In reflection I see a whole lot of shame.
The shame of being called a hillbilly by the neighborhood kids because my mom rarely wore shoes.
The shame of living in the dirty house where I couldn’t bring kids in because we lived in filth.
The shame of being a fat girl in a skinny girl world. There were 3 fat girls in my school, me, my friend Mary and this girl Carol. The bullying didn’t stop in the neighborhood, the nuns bullied us too, making us come in during play time and get on a scale and trying to shame us into loosing weight.
The shame of being molested by a teen family friend-and liking the attention he gave me.
The shame of boys “liking” me-as long as it was a secret-because , you know, I was the fat ugly girl at school.
The shame of being a teen mom and bride-because I thought if a man wanted to have sex with you that ment he loved you.
So to say I have no shame would be a lie.
I have had plenty of shame but the bigger issue is that all that shame took my self esteem! That in its self is the root of it all!
I guess its just time to reclaim what was stolen from me!
Time to take it back.
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks Liz. Yesterday was better. I have been helping my gf with an estate sale and I can only do so much. 1 hour work then I need a break.
Got a call yesterday – from the “landlord”. Curosidy killed the cat for sure. I listened while he started complaining about Jen and I stopped him. I told him that was done. Then he said how we shouldn’t have mixed “friendship” ( ha ha ) with business. (Thats was true but I had alternative motives-I wanted to spend more time with him and that never happened.) Then he went on to say how much he missed being with me-mind you not “me” per se but “being with me”. He’s going to Mexico for a month and he wants to come “see” me before he goes. I didn’t say much and alot needs to be said. The time that I would allow this mess in my life is over-he just doesn’t get it. I will entertain his next call-because now I am ready with what needs to be said. He doesn’t miss me-he misses what I would do for him. Thats a sad reality that I can now accept. It’s taken me years. I am no longer willing to be his tramp because I deserve so much more.
I had gambling urges the second I was off the phone. I can see the connection now. It makes me sad that I have allowed so much phisycal and emotional abuse that I could have stopped at any time.
Praying for strength.
bettie

[bettie]

“Other people’s opinon of me are none of my business’.
My ex sponcers daughters treated her the same way. This was how she was advised to respond. You apologized – enough said. My next sugestion to him might be to seek therapy. The past is done, no do overs, time for him to grow up and move on. I know, easier said than done. My mother screwed me up, i screwed up my kid-hey we did the best we knew how. I for one do enough self critism so I don’t need help.
As for the bloodwork-sugar bad, white cell count up. I do believe it was because I was still ill with the sinus infection. I have to redo my bloodwork in a couple weeks. I am still weak and get dizzy a bit so hopefully that will clear soon.
bettie

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