[bettie]

Such lovely friends I have here!
Just wanted u all to know I’m hanging in there. Need to hit the bed but wanted to drop a line of thanks to u all.
Party for Mom  tomorrow but should be popping on the chat ever so often.
Hope to see u!
bettie

[bettie]

So i get up today and what do I see? Yet another day that I have to pull myself up by the boot straps and face the day. Well,I’ll make the best of it. I don’t feel like going to GA tonight and don’t think I will. Need to find a gift for my mom’s birthday, she’s 75 on Sunday. I don’t want to leave the house, I want to wallow in self pity but I won’t. No one to blame for my problems but me.
Kathryn, thanks for the post and I will try but I realize that I have been living with this self esteem issue for over 40 years and I have not delt with it too well. The "friend" is just a symptom of a much larger issue, one I have to face head on and stop running from.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
P, Laura, Vera, the list is endless. I feel your love, i really do. Too bad I can’t channel that love into love for myself.
I am ashamed to admit that I did just exactly what I shouldn’t do. I tried to escape into the casino and as usual it solved nothing.
I am sorry for my slip but truth be told I want to go again. It is as I always thought it would be, I miss having some place to run to when I want to escape.
There are better ways to deal with life besides running to the casino, I know that. I have to work harder, I have to want recovery more than I do, I have to want a better life, a different life than the one I’ve been living because this one is leading to destruction. I am scared to leave the "known" for the "unknown". that little nagging voice in my head tells me it will never be better, nothing and no one is waiting for you.
But i am a gambler, why not take the chance for something better?
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

 
 
 
 
When I get where I’m going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I’m gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I’m gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it’s like
To ride a drop of rain.

Chorus:
Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’
There’ll be only happy tears
I’ll shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I’ll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I’m goin’
Don’t cry for me down here.

I’m gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he’ll match me step for step
And I’ll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
And then I’ll hug his neck.

Chorus:
Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’
There’ll be only happy tears
I’ll shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I’ll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’
Don’t cry for me down here.

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can’t answer
So much work to do.

But when I get where I’m goin’
And I see my maker’s face
I’ll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’
Oh, when I get where I’m goin’
There’ll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I’m goin’
Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’…
This song is by Brad Paisley and Dolly Pardon Titled "When I get to where I’m going"
I feel this song alot. It makes me sad but lifts me up too.
So much In this life I just don’t get, maybe someday…..
bettie– 8/18/2010 3:53:42 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hey!
What a nice chat! Everyone so up, I didn’t want to bring them down.
Tried real hard to workout and watch the diet last week, This week, zip! I ordered new workout stuff hoping for some motovation. I hate feeling this way! I have to go for blood work soon and I know I won’t be happy with the results.
I called one of my "fwb"s on Friday, 3 years anniversary of my "friendship" with him. He hurt my feelings so bad it was all I could get through the day. Long story short, he doesn’t want me anymore, or at least thats what he said. As soon as the wind blows and he need someone he’ll call, and I will swallow my pride and let him back in to complicate my life. We have been on a roll with song lyrics here lately and there is one that always gets me. "I don’t know that I’ve ever been really loved, by a hand thats touched me." This man doesn’t know what real lonelyness is. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Just imagine accepting someone , dropping everything, to spend a few stolen moments then wonder when or even if you’ll ever see him again. Thats my life, the one I want to run to the casino to escape from. I promised myself the last time he layed his guilt trip on me i would ask him to make sure that leaving me was what he really wanted, because I could make sure that that happened. Too weak, I just couldn’t do it. And after the speech on why we shouldn’t see each other he wanted to know if I could leave work early so he could come by.
So how do I deal with the situtation? I eat, I avoid working out, and I complain that i’m gaining weight.
I don’t want to be what I once was. I built a wall of fat to protect myself from getting hurt, to make sure no man would want me. Then what do I do? Lose weight and accept the worse scum of the earth because I should be so greatful that they paid me 5 minutes of attention.
When do I grow up?
bettie

[bettie]

Hi guys,
So what did I do over the weekend? I went a little ebay crazy. Didn’t have much $$ to spare but never thought of that during those gambling weekend so what the heck? Right? A little treat. Got the last season of The Sopranos and two new workout dvd’s. Don’t ask me why I watch the exersize in the PC dvd and play The Sopranos on the tv/dvd. I guess watching people get wacked takes my mind off the sweat rolling in my eyes and the pain in my leg. What a treat! I can’t wait for the stuff to get here.
Going to bed, hope to catch the chat tomorrow night.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Beautiful Monday!
Oh how I wish I didn’t have to go to work but glad I have a job, many don’t.
Long day today, won’t get off until late.
Just popping in to start the week.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Larry hit the nail on the head. The  "Christian" part is not the problem, the lady part is.
As far as Christainty is concerned I really relate to Job, but must conceed he had it a lot worse than me!
I really need to seek out some one on one therapy to sort out my self esteem issues. Someone on the chat today was talking about their "fat" niece and it really brought up some awful childhood memories of the ridicule I endured that tore me to pieces. The world is free to make fun of the obease, It’s the "last taboo". You would never walk up to someone of a different race and make a comment but it’s ok to say something to an overweight person. Just as non gamblers do not understand cg’s, a lot of thin people are clueless when it comes to the pain they inflict by harsh words and "teasing’, esp a child. Trust me, no matter how good your intentions are It is torment to that person. I had a teacher who would pull me and my overweight friend off the playground and make us go weigh ourselves in a coat closet then lecture us about how we didn’t fit in and that all we needed was to push our selves away from the table a little hungry and we would be fine. (She was a Nun, by the way.) Did she think the kids outside laughing their heads off accepted us any better after that??
If you can’t be safe from the adults in your family not to hurt you where do you turn? Maybe you become a fat compulsive gambler later in life, who knows?
G, Larry and Cully, thank u for your thoughtful posts
just venting, I’ll be fine!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

just getting ready for work.
Made it to ga, had a little talk about feeling like an outsider and having not made a connection with anyone in particular. They keep telling me to call them. I have so many things i want to say but can’t get it out. One of the guys said "you should talk to xxxx, she’s a nice Christian lady." I thought to myself, thats the problem, i’m not. How will someone like that relate to me?
Thanks for the posts guys, always happy to see them!
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

K,
So sorry about this tragic loss! We’re here if u need us!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Don’t worry Jules, I didn’t go anywhere. I should be going to GA tonight so I’ll catch the chat a little after that.
It’s paul315/larry’s 1 Year clean Birthday! Be sure to congradulate him on this fantastic acheavement!
bettie
 — 8/13/2010 12:37:33 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Oh Happy Day!
Happy "Birthday" Larry!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Man, my life is likw a rollercoaster. I no sooner get on an even keal something comes out of the blue and knocks the wind out of my sails.
The poor folks on the chats last night got to here this but I must vent one more time.
Stuck with service work all day. Last minute I get a "regular" customer that usually sees my co worker, and she has 2 months of unauthorized transactions on her account. At least 45 minutes of work. I don’t send her away, I do the right thing, work her case, so the asst manager takes the next customer and guess what? They come in with $100,000 to open new accounts. I get $17 toward my goal, she gets about $200. Today I will get my weekly lecture as to why am I so behind on my goal. My partner had $1600, Asst mgr, 600, and I only have $390. The stress over this is just killing me! I get stuck doing the right thing and I am punished for it. This is a no win situtation. No excuses, they are making their goals, I’m not. And they do not care about anything else!
Well, a lot of this is luck, and as we all know, I don’t have any of that. I will call the recuting manager for the teller manager job to see if they will even give me an interview. I have little hope as I applyed last week and have not heard a thing.
Venting done, need to get to work and make the best of it.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Anda punya lebih dari 11 hari di Irc Anda, saya hanya tahu itu.
perdamaian
bettie

[bettie]

ਤੁਹਾਨੂੰ ਆਈਆਰਸੀ ਵਿੱਚ 11 ਦਿਨਾਂ ਤੋਂ ਬਹੁਤ ਜ਼ਿਆਦਾ ਸਮਾਂ ਮਿਲਿਆ, ਮੈਂ ਇਸ ਨੂੰ ਜਾਣਦਾ ਹਾਂ.
ਸ਼ਾਂਤੀ
ਬੇਟੀ

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