[bettie]

Death by football! I love it!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi guys!
What an odd day! I did a loan for my ex and his wife. They came near closing time so they waited for Jen to get off work. We all met up at a little restruant in town for supper. So here sits me, my daughter, my ex, his wife and my mother! What a funny little group. I asked him if he felt like a polyigimist! LOL!
I’m tired, no one on the chat! Well, I’ll stick around for a bit and check in in the morning.
Have a good evening/day. Hope to see u all soon!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi guys!
Oh, the day i take a walk it has to get to 90f outside! Short walk by the creek, trees changing already, duck swiming along. So peaceful and quite beautiful!
Went to daughters place, walked the grand dogs, mopped floors and cleaned the bathroon. She’s havings her house warming/birthday party Sunday! Golden birthday for my girl this year, 29 on the 29th. I don’t mind her getting older d*mn it, but she’s taking me right along with her! lol!
I had many thoughts in my head today. I feel like i’ve had my back up aganist the wall lately, but thank God for the wall, it’s the only thing that kept me from falling down!
Laura, your post was so sweet! Thank you for reminding me that i’m still in there some where, under all the rubbish, that confident girl i used to know who took no cr*p from anyone!
Jennie, it was beautiful, and refreshing! Keep posting!
G, i know a little of your story. I hope to find the strength that u have!
To all my GT friends, I THANK YOU for being my wall!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Still here, reading, typing away. Read on someones post that life is beautful, really. Decited to try to find some beauty tomorrow because all I see right now is darkness and gloom, and I am tired of being a part of it.
Gonna leave the home phone unpluged tomorrow. Gonna not answer my cell if "certain" people call.
Gonna go look at trees, parks, take a walk, look at the creek that runs past my place. If the beauty won’t find me i’m just gonna have to go find it for myself.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi guys,
At the suggestion of cooler heads than mine ( thanks cathie!) I called my dr to make an appointment. They told me they couldn’t get me in until January! I told the recptionist that I wanted a mental health referral, not that i needed it for insurance, just that I wanted to get his opinion. She asked for my cell number. They called back in less than an hour, "Dr wants to see you, how is Tuesday?"
So appointment is made. Now I just have to fess up to whats going on. He doesn’t know about the CG, I canceled my last two appointments, in hindsight, to avoid this converstation.
Since I don’t go to the casino I have no where to escape to so the time is right to face these demons head first, instead of just banging my head against a wall. I’ve cried until I had no tears left. I hurt until I self medicate, to make my head shut up long enough so I can sleep. I put on a happy face, try to be every thing for everyone, and I’m dying inside.
The "landlord" called today. I was in fairly good spirits until that call. Making small talk. Feeling me out. Waiting for an invitation to my place.
Not this time. Never again.
I am getting past the anger. I have to because it eats me up, but I will never forgive whats he’s done. I wish I could just stay angry but I’m grieving the loss of the friendship, the closeness, and the fact we will never be together again ( we did have some amazing times together and he was the one who got me started loosing weight, and cared about me when I felt no one did) but I have to maintain a professional "front", 1 for my job, 2 for my daughter. I don’t want him to direct his anger at me with her.
She loves that stupid house! lol!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Decited to be positive today. I am positive that I need to do something about my depression/mood swings. I am positive I am sick of being parinoid. I am positive I am tired of worring about things that are out of my control. I am positive I am tired of thinking "cutting" seems like a good idea to release the pain.I am positive no one can love me, until I can love myself.
So much for that, had to get it off my chest.
peace
bettie
ps
What causes a hardwood floor , thats not gotten wet, to look like a mole hill under the carpet?? I almost tripped on it Sunday. Brother says he can fix it but that will involve pulling the carpet away from the wall .

[bettie]

Hi Kath,
On the one hand, walking through the fire to get out and keep going was brave. I don’t know if I could do that, heck who am i kidding? I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT!
People in AA have to go where booze is in abundance, store, gas station, etc, Many do just fine. I can’t imagine it.
On the other hand K, please watch out for a trigger there, a repressed "happy " gambling moment hidden in the back of the brain that pops up when you least expect it.
Knowledge is power!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys
Sherry, thanks for posting. Former "friend" is most likely the best description here.
Made it through yesterday, bought a beautiful suit for 10 bucks.
Gonna eat and then join the chat.
peace
bettie
p s Cathie, I will call as you suggested, no worries!– 9/21/2010 2:43:02 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

I fell asleep! Such a wild woman @ 4:30 pm on a Saturday!
Hope everyone is doing well. I have been having urges today! I think it’s the resentment of having to give that B*st*rd my $$. I might just as well have thrown it in a machine as to give it to him!
Guess that is some CG thinking there. Need to dress and get out of this place and do something, anything! Rainy, gloomy day here today. The gambling is just a fleeting thought, lets hope it stays that way!
As a matter of fact, I’ll plan to do something NOW so it gets out of my head. Need to grocery shop, maybe go to the thrift, not too much trouble there. Could clean but did alot of that Thursday.
Bonus, my "cute behind" jeans are no longer snugg in the Budda belly. I can wear them in comfort. That hasn’t happened in a while, but what a way to do it!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

it’s lonely on the chat with no one else!!

[bettie]

Hi Kin,
Thank you for your concern about me. I’ve hit a rough patch and I know as bad as it is it could be much worse, so I am thankful.
I hope you didn’t take my chat with you the wrong way. Recovery is a wonderful thing. I disagree when the therapist harp on what is "wrong" with your thinking. If you are arrogant, you will always be that way. The key is knowing it, being aware, making corrections. It OK to be flawed, we are HUMAN, we have extra issues as CG"s.
Don’t beat your self up over someone else’s opinion of perfection. The only opinion that really counts is your own.
Work toward being happy with yourself and the rest will fall into place.
Now, if I could only take my own advice!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

So I saw "the landlord" today. He called me to ask me to step out and he was too busy to come in the bank. "I won’t have a receipt for you." That OK, i tell him, I already wrote one up. I step out when he rings back. " I really need the cash to pay for something for my daughter."
I handed him a pen and the reciept."Oh, you don’t trust me anymore." That’s right, I tell him. I don’t.
He gives me the leering look, "You sure look good today but I’m too tired." I couldn’t say a word, I’m two feet from the door of my job with customers coming in and out. "Why didn’t you answer when I called?" I was busy,nowI have to get back to work.
Why did’t I tell him his company wasn’t worth $5000?
Weak, well next time maybe.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Cully,
Cool metal version of the song, however these days the Janice Joplin version "live" on utube suites me better. It was very sweet of you to go to the trouble of finding and posting it out there for the "young ones" to see.You’re one of the good guys Cully, not too many left out there. I’ve just got to get tough and stop listening to my soft heart and get it into my hard head that people take kindness for weakness, and just run with it! Thank you my friend.
Miss G,
Life is like a roller coaster these days, I know you understand. Thank you!
Thanks Nancy,
Having been such a young mother and being so close in age with my own child I didn’t really set those parient/child boundries. Hind sight is 20/20. But there are pluses too. We can talk like adults, even though she reverts to being a child when it suites her and is more hard headed than me and her dad combined, and that is really saying something!
To all those on the chats with me yesterday, I’m ok, much better with a good nights sleep. I have to see the "landlord" to give him the rest of the "blood money" he stole from us. He called yesterday and really set me off. I let it ring, and cryied my eyes out as the ringer stopped, hence the grief on the chats. Like the regular "gambling days" Thurdsays were "our day" that we got together. Now it’s just another day that I am alone with nothing to look foward to. Well, thats of my own making, something i can, make that must change!
Hope to see u all on the chat this weekend!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

" Take it, take another little piece of my heart now baby….."
Janis Joplin
Just in a mood…
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well an interesting day I must say. Moneys tight ( who’s isn’t?) and the daughter calls, "Mom, pick me up from the train, I won $40 on a scratch off and want  to take you to dinner."
I guess it continues. We went to dinner, I paid for my own on principal. I asked her if this offset all the losing tickets that gathered up. She didn’t get the humor but I got an "Oh Mommy, it’s not like that! " ( I’m "mommy" when she’s in trouble, some things don’t change.")
Don’t know whats next.
bettie

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