[bettie]

Hey Larry,
Thank you for your thoughtful replies here and on my thread. Hope you have a wonderful Sunday planned. Sometime all I want to talk about is recovery, sometimes I just want to live and not think about it.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Ok , past  the bewitching hour, what the heck is wrong with me?? Barriers are so helpful but finding Dan on the chat was even better, Timing is everything! Tx Dan, RG, Kath, Vera… what would I do without U all??
Gamble I guess.
Roller coaster ride, I’m feeling good then I’m feeling bad. But I’m ok.
Girlfriend finally answered the phone. We were suppost to get together but she was afraid to call me, said she was tempted to ask me to go gamble with her. Glad she thought twice as I would have borrowed money from her and went.
She has promised not to ask me to go and I am the one who brought it up so she has kept her end of the deal, and I am grateful.
thanks guys,
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

Urges, hit me right in the face today. I almost headed to the expressway instead I came home and started binge eating! Weather turned bad and my plans fell through. I need to call someone. I was on the chat here and sf and no one’s there.
Making "bargins" with myself.Trying to stay put!

[bettie]

Hi Larry,
Call it intution or paranoia but I felt compelled to leave you a note today.I feel you are fighting deamons, maybe i’m way off base here. I’m sure your GA friends had a lot to say about the trip. I hope it was not discouraging to you. I’m no pro but I know what would have been said at the meeting I have been to and I don’t take critisism too well.
Hoping all is well with you. You are a fantastic help and support to us all.
The message that caused the uproar on the f&f forum was my foward from Marilee. I never even thought of the "other" side of that message, just the ugly feelings that apply to me, the CG, not the support/friend or family member of the CG. Looking back I can see where the "advice" could be taken as a critism, which was not my intenetion, ( and I believe not the authors intention either ). I will stay out of the f&f forum. I have no desire to hurt those already hurting. So if I caused you distress there I am sincerly sorry.
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Guys,
Still hanging in, hanging on. I feel loads better. Tx for  the chat Rg, Kin Kathryn. So good to see you all. Cathie, i haven’t tried to make the appointment, yet again, but I will, just too busy at work today. I am exausted and look foward to a good nights sleep. Didn’t sleep too good yesterday, drinking disturbs my sleep and I got carried away with myself.
I want to escape, this being "all grown stuff" is for the birds! But i will work it all out, and be better for it.
Thanks again!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey,
I’m still here. Head is pounding, thats what you get for drinking your supper. Nothing like being told how screwed up you are when you already know how screwed up you are.He had the nerve to bring up my CG as his example, he’s one of the 5 or 6 people that know.
Well at least that’s behind me now. He knows where his place is, and it’s not with me.
Please don’t worry, I’m not feeling drastic just sad.
Got a long day ahead. Hope to catch you all on the chat!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

MY life is frightening. "He" called, I canceled my plans, and let him come over. We had a heart to heart. He is afraid I am sucidal and made me promise not to do anything to myself. Every time I tried to tell him something I got choked up, he said I don’t want to see you cry. He said he’s thought about chucking it all to be with me. I told him if he could leave it all without causting him a cent he would be gone, but he wouldn’t want me.
He doesn’t want to see me cry, He should see me now…..

[bettie]

Thanks G,
Woke up early on my off day, yet again! Had a casino dream, suprise! I was going into the casino and a friend of mine from GT was calling me on my cell phone and I saw their name on the screen, I hit the ignore button, I didn’t want them to hear the bells ringing in the casino.They called right back and i tried to pick up but they left a message, "Where are you? What are you doing? I was with my ex gambling buddy, looking for the buffet but almost walked into a theater but got kicked out because I didn’t have a ticket. We headed back to a hotel room. We layed around and the gt friend was back on the phone. I still ignored the call.I told my friend maybe we should skip the casino and just go home.
I was sucessful, I didn’t gamble. Maybe something to be said for that.
peace
bettie
Then I woke up.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had a casino "flashback" when I walked into the bathroom at work of all places! ( We have the same kind of paper dispencer as the casino) Somehow I pictured myself in the bathroom there, in a hurry to get back to "my" machine. I have a desire to go to "my" casino and "my" machine, a place and a thing that no longer exist for me. My daughter bought a scratch off ticket in front of me yesterday and asked if it bothered me. I told her yes, mainly out of my concern that she may have a tendency toward this compulsive behaviour. Oh Mom, I only buy one a week, like to do them on the train to work to kill time. ( she likes those bingo tickets, takes a long time to play, the same kind I bought her when she was in the hospital 16 years ago). She mentioned that she misses our Vegas trips and is mad that we can’t go anymore.
Been in a mood today. The feelings running hot and cold. I pray "he" doesn’t call tomorrow.  I have a lot to keep me busy, and out of trouble. I have to see him friday, rent day, so that can’t be avoided.
Wish my heart could catch up with my head, I feel bad and wish someone was around to talk to about it so here I am, posting.
Linda Ronstadt did this song. I long for the day this feeling goes away. 
Shattered

written by Jimmy Webb
© 1981 White Oak Songs (ASCAP)

Shattered
Like a windowpane
Broken by a storm
Each tiny piece of me lies alone

And scattered
Far beyond repair
All my shiny dreams
Just lying there

I’m broken but I’m laughing
It’s the sound of falling glass
I hope that you won’t mind if I should cry in public
While I wait for this to pass

Cause sweet darling I’m shattered
Into fragments cold and gray
Sweep the pieces all away
Then no one will ever know how much it mattered
Something deep inside of me
Shattered
 — 9/30/2010 1:50:21 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well the appointment went pretty well. doc said he is seeing lots of cg’s these days. He thinks the weight loss may have contributed to the exceleration of my cg. ( from comulsive eating to compulsive gambling ) He recomended a therapist and a psychiatrist, as be believes i could be occ or other underlying disorders. He told me about his "professional "poker players. Overweight, high blood pressure, drinkers, smokers. I said Thanks Doc, yet another club for me to join! lol! Oh well, whatever, just help me put my head on straight and i’ll be fine.
Now i have to make another appointment call, but I promise I will do it by Thursday,I won’t post what I won’t do.
peace
bettie
 p s on the appointment. Dr agreed that there is not alot of info out there about cg’s I told him about this site, his first question "What do they charge? How do they stay in business?" I explained how it worked and he was suprised. I also tried to enlighten him with other sites so he could pass that info to other patients. Don’t want to sound like an ad but we can donate to gt, something I had not thought about either. This site is too valuable to loose.– 9/29/2010 12:19:51 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys, just a quick note before work.
I was so upset after that call I had to get it out gefore I could rest. Maybe I need to change my thread to "Finding Bettie?"
The party Sunday as a blast but left me exausted! She must have had 30 people over. I got there early thank goodness, as she had NOTHING ready. Her Step-mom, Dad and brother got there early. Stepmom helped me finish putting out veggie trays, my homemade salsa, chips, etc.
Once we got done I tried to play hostess and keep things moving with rangling the kids and the dogs. All in all I drank a lot of beer and had a lot of fun.
Got to jump in the shower and run. Dr appt today @ 11am so i will leave work for a couple hours and go. We’ll see what happens there. I expect "him" to show up at my job today. He usually comes in at the time I will be gone to the dr so I should miss him. I believe he was crying in his beer after the i gave him the cold shoulder. I so wish I wasn’t at work, maybe I could have gotten out the words i need to say. I hate to be chicken but I don’t trust myself to tell him in person. If he got mad and walked away that would be one thing. If he got violent, and I know he is capable of it, I don’t know what I would do. If he looked like a wounded puppy. I would get weak. Isn’t it funny, I still don’t want to hurt his feeling, even after all this cr*p!
Hope to be on the chat tonight ( for me ).
Thanks for the sweet replies. You guys are the best!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Larry,
I am a believer in fate. I, for the very first time, was able to get into safeharbour on saturday. I left the GT chat open just in case any of my friends showed up. It was a long time before I heard you chime in.
Something told me stay open and wait. Sometimes we all need a friend.
Thank you for being mine.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

"He" called me today when I was due to get off work. He was drunk. He wanted me to join him at his cottage. "You must think i’m an *ss now, ( I do ) after whats happened, I feel so bad, I couldn’t tell "her" what I had told you about the rent.( the on again and off again wife ).
My girl friend always says a drunk mouth speaks the truth. I haven’t lost my mind after all. He could have saved me so much angush had he been upfront about this before duping my unsuspecting daughter into signing the lease.
I am crushed, my heart hurts. He thinks I’ll just run to him now.( He hasn’t met the new bettie yet!) Gonna go cry myself to sleep, and put this behind me. I am so grateful I’m not gambling!

[bettie]

Hey Larry,
I am ashamed of my self also! Happy Belated Birthday! You are a gift to us all, don’t ever forget it!
The other girls want coffee i see. Maybe one day, it the stars align…..
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Special note to Larry. Thanks for the long chat . Hopefull I helped u as much as u helped me tonight. Sometimes i find more resolve to do the things i need to do by puting it in words. The Dr appointment is aproaching fast and I really don’t want to go, the crisis has past. But, the fact remains, the root causes of my issues are not resolved. Does the next crisis push me over the edge? The answer is maybe. I’m no longer a gambler, so why chance it?
Thank you, cyber-buddy!
bettie

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